Poser

I have blogged quite a bit about posting risqué photographs of myself so I was pleased it came up as a topic for Food For Thought Friday. It has been quite a journey for me in a number of ways. Initially I wanted to do it for two reasons. The first was because it was something that HisLordship had wanted to do for quite a while. This had led to him posting various pictures in various places and often ended with me asking him to take them down. I was worried about the security of it all as I run a risk due to my job and I was also worried about what people would think of me.

This leads to reason number two. Body image issues. One of the reasons that I started posting pictures was because I have some (lots) of issues with my body. This is also something well documented on my blog. I hoped that to post pictures would allow me to be able to see myself more positively which would then have the effect of me feeling more positive about my body and would be positive for our relationship. I thought that these were all separate parts but actually I see that all of the things are connected now I start to write – so often the way.

So there were two reasons to do it: meeting HL’s desire to post the pictures of me and challenging my own perception of my body. But there were also two reasons there why I didn’t want to do it. The first was my job and we won’t go there because it still freaks me out to think about the what ifs. Let’s just say I am vulnerable and it would be career limiting. Eeek. Moving on. The second was what other people would think. Some of that was linked to body image. Would they think I looked too fat? Would they be as disgusted and repulsed by my body as I was? Would they laugh at the ridiculousness of someone like me posing for pictures as if my body was desirable?

But a big part was also about what they would think of me as a person. I was missy, a married submissive who blogged about her relationship. There was lots of written detail on my blog, even some about sex and kink, but there were never pictures. Especially not risqué ones. There were pictures of other people from google but not of me. Would it be too much? Would it spoil what I was for them? Would it make them cringe to see a picture of (parts of) me naked? Would I shatter any illusion I had created about who I was? I felt accepted as me, and that was simply to do with me as a person, so to do something which would change this was actually a huge issue for me. I was giving a body to the personality, and a naked body pretending she felt sexy at that.

In the time I had been blogging I had built up some good relationships with other bloggers who commented on the posts about my relationship and how it was going. I felt that they came to read what I had written and wouldn’t expect to (or want to) suddenly see a picture of my boobs popping up at them. I worried about how that would go down and while part of me was encouraged by watching others others taking part, another part was worried what other people would think. So when I took the plunge and started posting pictures, I really did feel torn.

Actually I think it has been really positive. Through taking part in memes I have made some brilliant new blogging friends. They are incredible people who are inspiring and motivating and encouraging. They have been hugely influential to me and I appreciate how supportive and inclusive they have all been in such a short space of time. I am pleased to say that this has also helped my body image issues. Having that sort of feedback has allowed me to challenge my own irrational perception with more than the views of HL (I know that should be enough but mental illness can be a tough one to get around).

As for my concern about the people who visited my blog to read my posts, I hope that no-one has been hugely offended. Certainly no one has told me that it has changed their perception of me in a negative way. I imagine that some will not click on the photo posts when they pop up on the wordpress reader and that is fine. I know that some people visit to see the pictures, some visit to read my writing, and some visit to do both, so I can breathed a huge sigh of relief and enjoy the fact that I am very lucky and have the best of two amazing worlds now.

I have always loved writing on my blog and the refection that it allows me has contributed so much to my growth as a submissive and also to my understanding of myself in general terms. The posting of pictures has added to that in a way which I could never have predicted and it has allowed me to cross some of the boundaries which I had set up to protect me for so long. By challenging myself, I have been able to release a different side of me, a poser who becomes so completely lost in the moment that she doesn’t care what anyone thinks or says. Well until she flips back into her conscious side that is!