realstic - fantasy ideal couple

Wishful Thinking

fantasy_loversWhen you compare yourself against an unrealistic ideal it leads to unrealistic expectations and ones which you will likely never meet. There is a simple reason for this: they are not actually realistic. Through my blog and through chatting at The SWC I talk to a number of new submissives. A lot of them are like I was when I was starting out. They are excited and eager to learn about something which they are passionate about and interested in. They research and read and ask questions and listen, all of which is great. I did all of that and to be honest I still do as I am still learning and hope that I continue to learn for many more years to come.

So what’s the problem? I guess one problem is finding information which is relevant and not prescriptive. Information which does not talk about the one true way and what you should be doing and have to be doing. People who do not tell you how your relationship should be and how to ‘do D/s properly.’ This is a problem that I have ranted about before.  More than once. It sets people up for failure. It leads to something that is not sustainable because it does not fit the people doing it. It leads to something which is about meeting the criteria for a certain label or group rather than for meeting each others needs.

I think that another problem is finding information which is realistic. I do realise that people don’t always want to read what is realistic. That is why there are so many incredible and successful people writing great erotic fiction. Readers want to slip inside their world, escape for a moment into believable fantasy and lose themselves there for a while. Erotic fiction has a different purpose than non-fiction. Especially to someone who is new and looking for valuable information about the lifestyle. Sometimes it really annoys me to see the continual positive spin on things. It creates unrealistic expectations for those starting out and I challenge some of the validity of what is written.

With an almost politician like smoothness the reality can be spun to a point where it would not be recognisable in real time. While the elements may all be accurate, the way that they are brought together, the language that is used, can actually lead to something which is far from the reality of what actually takes place. I love hyperbole as a technique used in the right place. I love metaphor and symbolism and value the way it can arouse certain emotions and influence a reader. But there is a time and a place.

Steps further onto her soap box. There is a difference in writing which is good writing, and writing which is good information and I think that sometimes this distinction is lost in what is presented as a factual account of a relationship. I have also overheard (or rather overseen) conversations when things are presented in an almost intellectualised way. The are over complicated in a way which makes the speaker (typer) seem more knowledgeable and experienced than they actually are. This approach can lead to searching for the elusive holy grail: maybe one day I can be like that too.

A Dominant submissive relationship is just a relationship where there is an agreement that one partner will behave in a Dominant way and the other will behave in a submissive way. It isn’t rocket science. There are no rules and no rights and wrongs. We all have relationships with different dynamics and roles and D/s is no more complicated than that. So if you are reading this and starting out and are looking for information I would urge you to look for someone who speaks in plain terms which you understand. I would suggest finding someone who paints a realistic picture of what their life is like. I would caution that if it reads as fiction then it probably is.

There are people who may know more about some things than you do but I don’t believe there are ‘experts’ where relationships are concerned. You are the one with the most expertise about your relationship and what will work for you. There are people who may have more experience in some things than you do but it doesn’t mean that things will work for you as they have done for them. Their experience is exactly that: theirs. There are people whose life may seem absolutely thrill a minute and sound like it came from out of a book who promise that it is all real.

The grass may look greener but invariably it will still just be grass. From time to time weeds will appear in it. It will need to be cut, and if there is too much sun it will wither a bit until it gets water again. If you are looking for authenticity then there will be details of rough as well as smooth. There will be hints of the every day and of mistakes and errors and of downs as well as ups. It likely won’t be perfect as things seldom are and most of all it should appear to be something that could be achievable.

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , .


  1. cheering for you myself here. it is SO important for new people to know this. D/s is not always a lovely steamy sexy erotic novel. in fact, it rarely is! thank you for taking education, reality, and authenticity so seriously <3

  2. This is an important message. I’m so glad you wrote it. D/s IS just a relationship. And it’s no better than any other if you don’t customize it for the people living it out.

  3. Would’nt it be lovely tho to get a par of those D/s one-size-fits-all shoes…
    What you describes so expertly i’d call “the facebook effect”.
    Very few are brave to share the strugles too as you do.

  4. Everyone’s dynamic is different. Even the set up between Michael and I, and Michael and Molly isn’t exactly the same. I totally agree that no relationship is the same. No D/s relationship is the same either

    • That is probably a good thing as it would boring if we were all the same. It is great that we can explore in different way with different people. I think that the way that you and Michael and Molly seem to gel so well together but also have things which are personal to you is lovely. That is how I imagine i would want it to work if I were ever in the situation although I am not sure I would be stacked the right way to manage it. Who knows but I love being able to embrace what comes along. I also value the fact that I have the opportunity to see inside some relationship which are different to ours through the things that people write. ?

    • Yes the fairytale is enticing indeed and it can be difficult sometimes to remember that being real is also a good thing. We have learnt loads from the times where things haven’t gone quite right and they have brought us much closer which means we can enjoy the highs even more ?

  5. Hmmm, lots to ponder here, and very easy to be swayed by the ‘this is how you do it’ peddlers at the start when desperately seeking guidance and a path or persons to follow. I guess the trick is to remain objective, understand that some things are as they are presented, some require a healthy dose of skepticism, find the bits you can relate to and ditch the rest. Above all be realistic, remember that there’s only the highs because there’s also the lows (which are entirely natural and will always happen), and just hope there’s more of the former than the latter and be confident you’re the expert on yourself and your own relationship…oh and try and not compare. Easier said than done though…good soapboxing ?

  6. Pingback: Writing and responsibility – Life of Violet

  7. I love this. Thank you. I wish there were better resources out their for people and more local support. There’s way too much misinformation out there and way too many people willing to take advantage of that.

    • Yes that is true. I think there are good resources but sometimes they are hard to find. I also think that people need to try to take the parts that will work for them and leave the rest but often people seem to want to sell the whole package. Part of our hope in setting up an online community was that it would make it easier for people to find support and share thoughts with each other ?

  8. Well…..I am new and I don’t know where to start or to look or what’s good information or not. Any suggestions?

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