Traditions are something that have been quite significant for us as a couple. I guess that some would say that the things that we do sexually are far from traditional, but the dynamic where I am submissive to HL and he leads and makes the decisions is much more of a traditional set up. Some people observing us would call it old-fashioned, but personally I love the gentlemanly way that he treats me. I do get that the feminists will feel that I am not playing my part for our cause, but for me equality simply means that I get the same choices as a man, and if in reality what I choose to do is to serve one, then I should be allowed to do that without it causing offence.
And I do choose to do that. Not because I see myself as being less than him, but because I am different to him. We work better when we have more clearly defined roles and our personalities lend themselves well to the set up that we have. If it follows the tradition of our grandparents then so be it but that is not why we have chosen it. We have not chosen to live with a power exchange relationship because of tradition but because it is what works well for us and we live in a day and age where people are able to make choices about how they wish to live. At the end of the day it is about what is right for us and that should in no way have an impact over what is a good fit for others.
HisLordship has always displayed what I would call gentlemanly behaviour. He is protective and respectful. He knows that I am capable of doing things for myself but he likes to do them for me and I like that too. He happens to fit well into the stereotype of what would typically be considered masculine, for example he enjoys DIY. I also enjoy more traditionally female pastimes – baking, shopping etc. Although we both fit quite neatly into the boxes prescribed by society, neither of us do this because we see it as the right thing to do but more because it is just how we are.
Sometimes it feels as much of a clanger in the kink world to admit that you are straight and monogamous as it does within the vanilla world to admit that you are submissive and into BDSM. We seem to tread a path which is too traditional for some and not traditional enough for others. The thing is with tradition is that you really need to make traditions your own. You need to find the ones that work for you and celebrate them with all that you have. For us they have not remained static. We have changed as individuals and as a couple and our traditions have changed with us.
When we first set up home together, we spent a lot of time thinking about how to blend our family. We were a group of none when together but there were smaller groups within that. And each group had its own traditions. So part of what we had to do was to create new traditions which we could use to give us our own identity. This took some working out initially but now most of these traditions are bedded in and are something that holds us all together. Children are adaptable and quick to see that different traditions exists in different environments so that really wasn’t an issue.
We are past the stage now of ultimatums to join in with our various events and traditions. It has gone beyond that as the kids have grown and we have found that they return to participate in them out of choice. They take for granted what happens on a birthday, or at Easter or on the first Sunday of every month. They also take for granted that HL makes the decisions for the household and that if they want to make sure we are organised for their visit and there is a cake in the tin, they should let me know when they will be arriving.
It was interesting this past weekend when out eldest came home with his girlfriend that many of the more traditional behaviours that we have as a couple were being duplicated by them. I do think that in some ways we are a bit of a contradiction though. We are a combination of very traditional in some senses but also very modern and flexible in others. We have etiquette at the table which could sit well in times gone by, but dinner conversation which would certainly never have taken place. Personally I think that traditions are important as they help to give you an identity as a group but I do think that they should be things that matter to you and you can enjoy.
You touched a really good point on gender equality and its role in D/s in that as females we are given the choices to do things that are equal to men. However, we freely choose to be submissives because that feel most natural to us.
Great post, and love this comment. Choosing to live this way is… Well a choice! i hate being told i am a bigot bc i choose not to live a certain way, even if i do appreciate the rights that i have.
Yes I think some people struggle to get their heads around why we would choose that and don’t take kindly to it. Thanks for your comment ❤️
“in the kink world to admit that you are straight and monogamous as it does within the vanilla world to admit that you are submissive and into BDSM.”
Stereotypes are easier to relate to. We pick up pices here and there and make our own traditions as generations before us has done just the same.
Very true ?
So much of your post rings true for ours too. We have more or less traditional roles, where he is the head of the household, he does the finances and I stand by his side. But, he does the cooking and I am more handy than he is, and of course we have chosen for a power exchange relationship which is something lots of people don’t understand. That it was a free choice…
The last few years have seen HL at home more so that has had an impact on the things we do in and around the house. I am crap at DIY though lol
Wonderful, wonderful post . . . and love the “You need to find the ones that work for you and celebrate them with all that you have.”
And I like to think that one of the best traditions is enjoying a freedom to explore new things, with the benefit of knowing the strong place we are starting from!
Xxx – K
Thank you for such a positive comment. And I love your best tradition ?
I can definitely relate to this, and yes, I think traditions can be important for the group as a whole but I also agree they should be inherently personal and true to you, your family, and your beliefs.
Thanks Kayla. Starting as a new family and a new couple with already established pasts meant that we had a clean slate but also some experience. We are really lucky that it worked out so well for us though ?
I’ve had someone make a comment about how monogamy in the kink comment is treated as a terrible thing. I find it out that people expect kinky people to be poly. There’s nothing wrong with monogamy if that’s what both parties want. Sorry, I just had to comment on that
Thank you. I guess that usually monogamy is the majority whereas within kink communities it seems to be the minority. I totally agree with you that whatever is right for you should be what you go with and I don’t understand when people feel they can’t be inclusive just because something is different. I also think that people change so am usually careful now never to say never ?
It is interesting I think how kids go through a phase, especially in mid teens, of rolling their eyes are all the family traditions but then immediately go on to ask where they are if they suddenly vanish.
Oh yes how right you are – especially the birthday ones where they are the center of attention. We have a 24 year old now asking to go round my parents garden to hunt for his Easter eggs when at 17 he was ‘too old’!
This post is too ‘true’ and well put to be argued with! I totally agree and am glad you are happy within the guidelines you’ve chosen for yourselves! Great post!
They are ever changing really – a constant work in progress 🙂
I don’t really go for labels such as feminist etc – we are all individuals and as you say -you are different from him, not less not more just different – I think that’s such an important thing to realise. – Very well put Missy x
Thank you May. I tend to shy away from label too as I always seem to not quite fit! 🙂