I have always been a more type of person: the more I get the more I seem to want and that motivates me. Conversely, the opposite is also the case: the less I experience something, the less I think about and want it. I seem able to quickly move on, retreating to a place where I become self-sufficient rather than one where I am dependent on the actions of another person or a circumstance I cannot control. This is why the consistency of D/s is so important for me and why the structure of the sort of relationship where I am being asked to give, brings out the best in me.
I also think that this can make things difficult for HisLordship as in any relationship you spark off one another, especially with Dominance and submission. The circle that is created by the power exchange means that you both need to keep working at it as one element feeds the other. It is a continual cycle of give and take as you work to meet the needs of the other. It makes sense, then, that the more you put in the more you get out. The more passion, the more desire, the more sex, the more emotion. The more, the more really and the less the less.
Over the past while we have not had less, but we have not had as much of the more as we have at other times, and that has been for a number of reasons. It is easy to accept that things are on hold a little and to just be ticking along while staying connected; that is a positive in itself. But when it happens for too long and becomes the new normal that feels less good. When you see the problem and can rattle off the reasons without making a conscious effort to be finding solutions, then things need to change. I don’t want it to be normal. I don’t want to be normal. I want to be weird and kinky and exciting again.
I want to be effective at my job, and good as a mum and supportive as a wife, but I also want to have fun. I want us to excite each other so much that we are desperate for each other. To tease and to play and not to think about the things that have to get done. To take risks and to take chances. To be wild and crazy and dark. To explore those things and run together, free, for however long a time that lasts. I want to be addicted to him so that my very existence smacks of my dependency.
We have talked about the fact that we need to do more in order to get back to that feeling of being insatiable. To reach that place where our heads are full of it and our bodies ache for it. It is there still, under the surface but there is a layer sitting just on top of it which we need to brush away to get back to the core. We need to stop looking at the excuses and listening to them. To find a way around whatever it is and make us a priority again. We have to do more of the things that create the fire and the heat and less of the other things. More focus, less distraction. More effort, less convenience. More play, more kink and more exploration.