long distance D/s

From a Distance

The topic for our chat last night on The SWC was D/s from a Distance. Basically the focus was on how you keep the dynamic going and make it work when you are not physically together. This is something that we have talked about before on a number of occasions and we have shared different suggestions of things that people do in order to keep the emotional connection close. I guess that I have been thinking about the closeness of some of the friendships I have build online where I have never met the person face to face. The feelings that I have for some of these people are just as strong as any that I would have in any real life relationship, if not more so. So there is no reason why I couldn’t do well at long distance with HisLordship.

I can’t say that D/s from a distance is something we have ever thought we did badly but it can be a bit hit or miss really. The outcome seems to depend a bit on how we feel before he leaves and the level of closeness we have at that point. If we are really together and things are going well, then the distance can add to that, but if we have drifted a little then the connection between us might not be so great by the time he gets back. This is not an issue in itself. When you have the luxury of being together most of the time you can be a little lazy with it as you know that you will see one another soon, and you can get things back on track.

What happened, then, to the idea of meeting each other’s needs. Of having each other as the focus and the centre of everything that we do? To having the high levels of intimacy and the intensity that we really enjoy? Is it right to put it on hold for a short period because it is a different environment? Having talked about it, we both feel that it isn’t the way we want to do things. However, I do think that part of the issue is that we never really got it. We had probably listened to advice from others on what we could or should do when we were apart. The advice we received was on doing things which would support the dynamic rather than on doing things which would support the other person. This I think is where it has gone wrong for us.

Somewhere along the way I think we became focussed around planning to keep the D/s going, rather than trying to keep the close connection with each other. We thought that one would lead to another and sometimes it did but sometimes it didn’t. Recently HL has been working away more regularly and this seems set to continue into the future. There has also been talk of longer term work which would mean living apart from a number of weeks at a time. We both hesitated with this as we were not sure this was something that we could manage and, although work is always a good thing, neither of us feels that it is worth sacrificing a relationship over. So while the whole distance thing was not an issue, it is something that I have been thinking about.

In thinking about the loss I feel at the moment, the penny sort of dropped somewhat. The things I do to develop emotional connections with friends who live a distance away, are not the same things that I do with HL when we are apart. If we were apart for long then clearly we would have physical needs which we would want to meet but, that aside, we don’t really do well as maintaining the emotional link. Our communication can be lacking or can be uninspiring. We tend to communicate the things that we need to, rather than the things that we would at home. Essentially, we don’t try to do the things that we usually would, we try to parachute in different things.

This lead to one of my light-bulb moments where I realised what I have been doing. At home I will come in from work and we will have coffee together and chat about the day. We will make dinner together, eat together, walk the dog together, spend the evening in close proximity to each other as we do whatever we are doing, and then we will go to bed together. We are not alone so the kids will be part of some of this, but my point is that we are pretty much in each other’s company when we are at home. From this comes not just physical closeness, but emotional closeness too. We are quite well tuned to each other’s needs.

When we are apart we don’t share this time. We will text to check-in regularly, but these remain a bit like the check-ins we use when we are at home. They are information based. We also call or face-time sometimes, but again these are information based. It feels false to sit with the screen in front of you, sharing details about what he happened (often nothing of significance) during your day. I have likened them to hospital visits as there is something forced about the situation and they are not completely comfortable. I realise now that we have not been creative in the slightest. We don’t watch a film together, or read a book together or sleep together. We don’t do any of the things that we normally would or that a normal couple would.

So I see now that we have missed a trick. We have tried to use tasks which will keep us connected rather than connecting as we usually would, albeit through a different medium. I know how easily this can be done and the irony is that I do it with other people on a daily basis. We share not just what has happened but what we think and feel about it. We exchange funny stories and moments at the time and the place they happen. We don’t wait until the other person is there to pick the message and respond, we just share anyway. We watch films and we pass comment about the characters and plot as you would if you were in the same room.  We send pictures and talk and face-time and open our lives up to each other.

I suppose what I share is a little like a running commentary of my life but it forms a connection and allows us to see the parts of a person’s life that you often wouldn’t, and that is a powerful thing. If I can do that more with HL when we are apart then I think that will really help. I woke up three times in the night and rolled over and expected him to be there. He wasn’t and I haven’t told him I did that as he will be home later anyway. That is a mistake and I see that now. We are fortunate to live in a world where physical distance is no longer a barrier due to technology so we should take advantage of that. And I should be more flexible in my thinking and use what is right there under my nose.

Posted in Building a D/s Dynamic and tagged , , , , .


  1. Sounds like a good chat and I was sorry to have missed it. I think it’s so easy to fall into the ‘information passing’ but that’s so perfunctory and functional and although valuable as it keeps like ticking over and working as it should, it can neglect the bits we need to be seen and share. And often, as is the way, the answers are always pretty much under our own noses, welcome back HL for us when he gets home xx

  2. Think way back to when you were dating…you might spend hours talking on the phone! No topic was ignored! I think you need that level of communication in any long distance relationship! But I’m like you. On those rare occasions I am away, we only talk briefly and superficially. I need to change that too!!

  3. This is an area where HD and I struggle, although I’m not sure he notices as much as I do. He’s traveled for work for years, so it’s a normal state for him, and we’ve relied on texting to communicate from the beginning due to his work. Neither of us much care for talking on the phone though. We Skype if I ask to, and when I’m struggling we either fall asleep on Skype or the phone.
    I actually have a video of him singing “go to sleep” in a nursery rhyme lullaby tune, which helps me when insomnia gets the better of me. 🙂

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