I have learnt that I need tough love and what that will look like for me. I need a life with very little wriggle room, or else I will wriggle. I have become adept at it over the years. I wriggle in a way which means I am free before you have even seen me squirm and when I do it best you don’t even know that I have done it because it looks like you set me loose yourself. I have a book of tricks which I use to help me to wriggle free. I also have some some magical words and some secret moves which mean that I am beyond your grasp before you even realise that there was a question to be answered as to whether or not I went.
I have learnt why I do this. It is because it makes me feel safe and in control. I use it to stick to what I know instead of trying something different. I use it to follow my own agenda because it means that I know what I am getting into. I have tricked myself because I have asked that you are in control and make the decisions, and then I do something sneaky so that it looks like one thing when it is really another. I have told you this and asked you to be harder with me but it isn’t easy when you love someone a lot and you care about them and want to look after them. It is like having an opposite day because you seem to be feeling one thing and have to do another.
I have learnt that tough loving is not easy to do. It is hard to see the bigger picture when you are staring at it right up close. It is hard to focus when what you see is whatever is right under your nose at that particular time. Sometimes it looks blurred and you have a voice in your ear saying words and it seems like a good plan to listen to them because you have to make a decision here and now, and you want to get it right so you take the advice. I have learnt all of that and it makes it harder. Harder, because you have taught me all of it and I want to change but part of me is scared and sticks with what it knows.
I want you to teach that part of me that it is okay. To be firm and strong with it and make sure that it stays still enough for you to decide what you should do. I know that you see the bigger picture. We have designed that picture together, sharing ideas and colours and textures. We are creating it to suit us and so I need you to step back and make sure that I move on and don’t just paint the same spot over. I want you to teach me when to switch to a new colour and when to draw free hand and when to step back and just look at what we have drawn so far.
No one has all of the answers. No one knows what is best all of the time. We have to try to educate ourselves and learn from each other. We have to work together and learn from our mistakes, painful as that may seem. We are limited by our own imagination and by what we know already. I want to know all of the things, and I don’t even know what they are. I want to feel all of the feelings and think all of the thoughts so I can’t stick to what I know. If I remain wriggly I will wriggle around forever, missing things that I might have tried. If I stay still and listen when you use your big Dom voice and tell me that you have me, I can be carried off to somewhere new and you can put me down safely and we can both see how I like that.
Prompt #319: Educate
Can totally relate to what you are saying. You are not alone in this =)
Thank you kit. I am sure that there are probably a lot of people who can do this at times ?
Thank you for writing this, missy. I was asked to read your post and I see why. I can completely relate to this because it’s pretty much where I am right now.
Awww I am glad that you can relate to it. If you want to chat further then you know where I am. We can swap notes on anti-wriggle tactics!
Thanks, missy. I would actually like that very much!
Then we should set it up ?
Wise words Missy, wished I’d read them earlier tonight before I did something I shouldn’t have lol
Oooops. Can you undo it? I think as long as we learn it is positive really. I am definitely a work in progress! 🙂 We need to keep each other on the straight and narrow.
Best I can do right now is leave well enough alone for a while… Thanks.
Well at least you know what to do. Hope it works out. Hugs ?
Thanks mate… Hugs back (no emoji on this computer) xx
Lol you make me smile xx
Oh the wriggling, dreadful alpha, come to steal our sense of security and self. It is a battle isnt it? Sometimes i craft games under the guise of being silly but its really a cry of “im a bit out of control! im in need of guidance, put me back on track!” Its hard, but know you are not alone!
I do and that makes it all the easier. It is always good to know that others can relate and sometimes be a voice on your shoulder too 🙂
Guilt is very motivating, not always for the better. Having someone to say “No” and make it stick, can keep the wriggling to a minimum.
Yes yes yes. That is what I need. And even better that thought of someone saying no and making it stick gives me a flutter inside 🙂
This really makes me think… am I wriggling too much? Am I not seeing the bigger picture? Am I seeing only some things and missing others completely?
Maybe I should take a step back and try to see the bigger picture.
Thank you for a thought provoking post!
I am glad that it made you think. I have realized this year how much I am still controlling through my clever avoidance. We probably all do it to an extent ?
Oh I’m a total wriggler too, I get this. And it can be so counterproductive and then you find you’ve wriggled too far away and can’t wriggle back again easily. Still enjoying a bit of a wriggle but within strong boundaries that don’t move is the ideal I think, for me anyway x
Yes there has to be some space but as you say, rightly enforced boundaries ?
This is a hard thing to see for most dominant types. Be glad however because the domineering ones tend to zero in on it. (Translation: This scenario is frequently better than the alternative!)
Remember what I have said about leadership and “No”? Think of interactions with students as an example. There are two good exercises that may help but I’ll stick to the easiest here. Ask HIM to pick an area and own it. No if’s, ands or but’s lest it be your butt! Learn there then expand outward based on the experience.
That makes a lot of sense. Thank you ?
Hope it helps ma’am.
I think I look for holes and gaps. Just like I always test the cuffs or the rope I also do the same with his dominance. Much less so now than I used to but it is definitely something I still revert to if I am feeling fragile or vulnerable
Yes I can see that I have the tendency to do that too. Wriggles and loopholes? Poor HL he has his work cut out!
I can relate so much! Of all the things that have come out of this journey for us, for me, this is probably the thing I need the most. It’s the one thing I don’t ever want to fade away.
And probably also one of the hardest to manage consistently ?
I can definitely relate to this, great post missy xx
Thank you 🙂
Thank you for knowing yourself deeply and sharing that knowledge with World Wide Web. I think I admire you no I know I admire you