I have learnt that I need tough love and what that will look like for me. I need a life with very little wriggle room, or else I will wriggle. I have become adept at it over the years. I wriggle in a way which means I am free before you have even seen me squirm and when I do it best you don’t even know that I have done it because it looks like you set me loose yourself. I have a book of tricks which I use to help me to wriggle free. I also have some some magical words and some secret moves which mean that I am beyond your grasp before you even realise that there was a question to be answered as to whether or not I went.
I have learnt why I do this. It is because it makes me feel safe and in control. I use it to stick to what I know instead of trying something different. I use it to follow my own agenda because it means that I know what I am getting into. I have tricked myself because I have asked that you are in control and make the decisions, and then I do something sneaky so that it looks like one thing when it is really another. I have told you this and asked you to be harder with me but it isn’t easy when you love someone a lot and you care about them and want to look after them. It is like having an opposite day because you seem to be feeling one thing and have to do another.
I have learnt that tough loving is not easy to do. It is hard to see the bigger picture when you are staring at it right up close. It is hard to focus when what you see is whatever is right under your nose at that particular time. Sometimes it looks blurred and you have a voice in your ear saying words and it seems like a good plan to listen to them because you have to make a decision here and now, and you want to get it right so you take the advice. I have learnt all of that and it makes it harder. Harder, because you have taught me all of it and I want to change but part of me is scared and sticks with what it knows.
I want you to teach that part of me that it is okay. To be firm and strong with it and make sure that it stays still enough for you to decide what you should do. I know that you see the bigger picture. We have designed that picture together, sharing ideas and colours and textures. We are creating it to suit us and so I need you to step back and make sure that I move on and don’t just paint the same spot over. I want you to teach me when to switch to a new colour and when to draw free hand and when to step back and just look at what we have drawn so far.
No one has all of the answers. No one knows what is best all of the time. We have to try to educate ourselves and learn from each other. We have to work together and learn from our mistakes, painful as that may seem. We are limited by our own imagination and by what we know already. I want to know all of the things, and I don’t even know what they are. I want to feel all of the feelings and think all of the thoughts so I can’t stick to what I know. If I remain wriggly I will wriggle around forever, missing things that I might have tried. If I stay still and listen when you use your big Dom voice and tell me that you have me, I can be carried off to somewhere new and you can put me down safely and we can both see how I like that.
Prompt #319: Educate