Emily – A slave, a little, an aspie and a dinosaur. And my best friend.
I don’t know where to start with how I am feeling but I wanted to write as I hoped that it might hep me. I suppose this is a bit of a eulogy; it seems pretty cheeky appointing myself to write such a thing but yesterday my heart was broken when I learnt that my dear friend had passed away and want to tell the world what she meant to me. This is also my outlet as she was not only a D/s friend, she was an online friend which means that most people who know me in the real world wouldn’t know her and wouldn’t understand the impact that she has had on my life. Fortunately my family do know about her as I have shared stories, pictures and snippets of information along the way so I am lucky in that I have good support from those who matter.
I will never let anyone tell me that online friends are not the same as real life friends. The fact that I never had the privilege to meet Em face to face does not mean that my heart is any less broken at her loss. I shared more with her than any of my real-time friends. She knew the ins and the outs, the intimate details, and more than anything, she knew the way that I thought and the things that I felt. Online is a strange medium as it allows you access to things that you would not usually get while at the same time as denying you access to others. Over the past four years we have spoken to each other nearly every day and that has meant sharing a number of life-changing things for both of us.
Convention usually means that presence at such life events – births, marriages, deaths – would be an intrusion but when you are floating in the ether, unseen, waiting right at the end of a whatsapp message or wherever you happen to be, access is quick and fast and easy. This has led to us holding virtual hands through thick and thin, and I feel lucky and honoured to have been able to share these things. Although they found it strange at first, our husbands came to see the value of the friendship and it was never something that was resented or limited by them, in fact it has probably been actively encouraged and I know that HL shares in my devastation right now.
I first met Emily in a chat room on a site which shall evermore remain unnamed, for a number of reasons, but the biggest being the cruel way that Em was treated there. I liked her immediately, a small ball of fun whose energy was infectious and whose quirkiness made me want to keep talking and talking. She was unlike anyone I had ever met or will ever meet again and after that initial connection we formed a close bond and moved our conversations to somewhere to a new location. She describes herself on her blog as a slave, a little, a dinosaur and an aspie and she was all of those in abundance. The Shakespeare quote (which she would have hated because she hated all English teachers except me), “And though she be but little she is fierce,” sums her up well as she was incredibly vulnerable but also incredibly strong. In turn, I felt both protective and in awe when I was around her.
We had an unusual relationship which was made up of contradictions. This is fitting for the D/s life where everything seems to work like that, but means that it is another reason ours stands apart from the sorts of friendships I can find elsewhere. She was made up of many parts and brought out many parts in me. There was the little side, which initially I nurtured ‘as a big’, leading Jasper to comment to HL that I was great childcare and he was enjoying being able to get things done. This led later to her bringing out the naughtiness in me as we became accomplices in elaborate plans to trick the Doms into letting us both get puppies or visit each other etc. I guess it was Em who first saw the middle in me and let me know that was okay, outing me to the other littles and adding me to their group.
Not just with this but with other aspects of D/s, she acted as a mentor. Hugely experienced and worldly-wise, especially regarding kink, she was instrumental in supporting and encouraging me not just with the play side but with managing the emotional side of the relationship too. She is the one person I can truly credit to me still being here when things got hard as she was always there asking the right questions and helping me to see what I should do. Incredibly humble, she would deny this of course, and say that she wished she could help me like I helped her.
Where it came to matters of the world, my years and experience meant that it was me asking the questions and helping her to see what she should do. We had this sort of mother/daughter relationship at times where the roles were interchangeable for us, depending on the circumstance. Perhaps being used to a power exchange, our friendship slipped easily into one where we could be having fun on the same level one minute and then taking the lead or following instruction the next. There was nothing that we couldn’t or wouldn’t talk about, although having to type it all out was a bind and we longed for and planned for the time when we would actually meet in person.
It is ironic that she found communication difficult in some areas, and yet had one of the best understandings of people that I know. She saw things so clearly and could pick up on things that others just didn’t see. From the way I constructed my sentences she could tell how I was feeling and would state boldly something that I had not yet realised myself. Despite her lack of confidence in her own ability to connect with others, she really was a natural and when we started The SWC, she was there, not just to offer support but to be an active member, hosting chats, posting and writing in the forums. Being honest, I think she did this more for me than she did for her, but she was infectious and brought with her friends from other places who were also drawn into the Emily Effect.
While the time difference between us was a drag and kept us apart at points, it brought us together at others. Those moments at night when I was awake with things churning around in my head and the world was asleep, the five hours difference meant that she was there. Similarly when she had a bad dream and woke up in a panic, I was just about to start my day and could hold her hand in the darkness. These moments are gold to me now and I will treasure every one. We shared the joys and the pains, the eeks and the wows, the gory details and the juicy bits of each other’s lives.
I am really at a loss as to know how to deal with not having Emily in my life but my heart goes out to Jasper and their two young girls as my loss is nothing compared to theirs. Emily was a bright shining star to those who knew her and this little corner of the internet is very much darker with her passing. A light has indeed gone out but we will focus on the positives she has left us with and nurture what we have through our memories and celebration of her life. For those of you who also knew and loved Emily, we are hosting a memorial chat this evening at The SafeworD/s Club and have also started a memory page in the forums so that we can share our stories and offer support.
Goodnight my friend – I love you.