The definition of exhibitionism as, extravagant behaviour that is intended to attract attention to oneself, or in terms of psychiatry, a mental condition characterized by the compulsion to display one’s genitals in public, both have negative connotations. In the kink world, where there are negative connotations for just about every act we enjoy, it is seen as being an acceptable way of pushing your boundaries and enjoying doing something which gives a thrill. So when I talk about exhibitionism, I refer to the sort where there is consent, not the flasher in the park, getting off on the shock and horror of an innocent passer-by.
I am not an exhibitionist, although I am content to be an exhibit. I don’t think that this is the same thing although from the outside it may look like exhibitionism to others. I suppose that really it is HisLordship’s exhibitionist side which has encouraged me to go down the line of exhibiting myself. He loves the idea of nudity and of having other people see me naked. I think it goes further than that and moves into the realm of other people watching and possibly being involved in the sexual play that takes place between us too, although that is a much further step than we have taken so far.
Being exhibited makes me feel vulnerable. It arouses some anxiety within me about what other people will think and say about me. It crosses boundaries because it puts me as a focal point, where I would rather not draw attention to myself. Going along with it pushes me into a mentally submissive place. I have to give up control. I have to allow myself to follow instruction and I have to stop myself from thinking. That is the only way I can do it because if I stop to think then my anxiety will take control and I will behave in a way which is counter productive and is designed to get my out of the situation.
Strangely, by giving up that part of myself and allowing the more submissive side to take over, I become freer and actually begin to enjoy it. The fear reduces a bit because I no longer feel responsible for my actions and therefore don’t think so much about the consequences. I worry less. I begin to fall into the don’t think just do and with it I can feel a change come over me. I am braver, more willing, and we can get to the point where I begin to suggest things that I would not have before. I become part of it.
I have no doubt that without the other constraints of my life I would fall far deeper into submission than I can currently but that will be a matter for future posts I am sure. Being exhibited not only feeds my submission in terms of the mental state it demands of me, it is also one of the triggers for it, in that often I will find the situations humiliating in an erotic way. I fear exposure. And to be exhibited like that is very exposing, not just physically but emotionally too because people will see me for what I am. I am physically naked but I am also emotionally stripped back and revealed.
For people to know the things that I am into and the things that I will let him to do me is a challenge. I can write about them here but I still have control over what I say. There is no way that I would ever be comfortable with the outside world knowing. I choose my audience I suppose and pick one where I think I will be accepted for who and what I am. To break down those boundaries and be seen in an environment where I had no control and might be judged with horror or disgust or ridicule would be another matter altogether. I know that I would need to go very deeply into my submission for it to happen as it is something that I have long since fought.
Having said that, the thought of it turns me on and most of my fantasies are along the lines of being exposed to others. Not my body I suppose but my kinks. I think about a place where humiliation has pushed me past the parts of myself that I clutch onto, where it has pushed past the public face to something deeper. Where I have been exposed to a level that I cannot come back from. It involves complete surrender of my body so that it can become something which moves past the places ‘normal’ people would go. The initial audience would be HisLordship and for him to see me like that, but I know that it would also involve some level of display to others.
It isn’t about exhibitionism to others it is more about exposure to others if that makes sense. For me that is where the turn-on lies although I realise that the two are closely linked. Exposure is a difficult one as it is something I would struggle with and fight against, but inwardly fantasise about. It involves a mental submission of my physical state and it would mean a systematic breaking down of the layers of protection I wear around me. I have made progress of late in allowing myself to become more exposed physically and I can feel my changing but I know that I still have a long way to go.
In exposing myself through images online, I have found a certain level of freedom and that has pushed me forward a bit further. We have talked recently about events we might attend where this would move forwards in another direction. I am still far from free of my mind and the restrictions and limits it puts on me. I am still careful what I write and what I show and what I say. My fantasies are ones which frighten me. I use them as they turn me on but they feel too out there for me to own and voice as yet. I am not ready to open myself to the judgement that would bring so I keep them to myself.
I know that HisLordship has thoughts himself on where we wants to go with all of this. He encourages exhibitionism and is becoming easier about my obvious discomfort with it. He is growing a better understanding of the barriers that I throw up and is more confident about pushing past them, despite the limits I try to set. I see that he is pushing me further all the time and he sees that, despite my initial fuss, I am letting it happen. I suppose I have to expose myself more fully to him as well and that is something that I am working on.