Control, Communication and Consent

A to Z Challenge - CA to Z Challenge – C

It seems that C is a huge letter for me and I have loads to say on the topics I have chosen. Control plays such a large part in a Dominant submissive relationship and it is also a big deal for me as a person. I love control, I need control but what I have learnt is that I have to give up control to really be free. This has taken me a lot of thought and a lot of reflections and I am still a ginormous work in progress as far as this goes. For me, control is safety and because of that it is very hard for me to give it up, and it has to be a strong man who takes it from me.

It isn’t that I don’t want to give it up, it is that it has been my default for years and it is a slow, gradual process, where I am freed from the thing that has held me back for so long. When we first began D/s I wrote about Letting go of Control but since then, I have realised that my submission has allowed it to look like I have given up more than I actually have.  My Self-control holds me back so much and, at times, prevents me from being pushed in the direction I need to go. However, having someone who I love and trust has meant that I can take the ‘risks’ that I would not have taken before and allow him to Control me.

I love that my job means I get to teach about what makes a healthy relationship and I always say that communication is the key. I explained in my early post, Communication , that as a couple we had always talked a lot and there were no topics really off limits so we could just have said that we were fine in that area. However, the formality of our new dynamic meant that there had to be some changes and I explained more about how this works for us in Spotlight on Communication. Strong open communication is central for the success of the relationship, but it has helped particularly when Navigating Bumps and getting back on track

My third C is CONSENT, another huge part of a D/s dynamic. In the post Consent and D/s I explore what consent means in a married D/s relationship. When starting out we adopted some of the formality surrounding things we had read about such as safewords, contracts and limit lists but we found we were able to be much more informal about it than a lot of these sources indicated. When there is that familiarity between you which builds through living together as long term partners, you tend to know each in a way which means that these things don’t need to be stated in such black and white terms. In fact, I am at the point of thinking that perhaps some of this has actually limited us in some ways but that will be a future topic.

As part of the consent theme, I also wanted to mention CNC or Consensual Non-Consent which is something that we have played around with a bit. We have found that it can be quite freeing and allow us to behave in ways that we might not otherwise, and we have been able to explore some of the darker fantasies that we have. I would include more primal sorts of play into this and it is definitely an area that we would like to explore more in the future.

I hope that you have been crazy about my letter C. Check tomorrow for the letter D and to see the rest of my A-Z, click here: A to Z Challenge.

Posted in A to Z Challenge 2018, Projects and tagged , , , , .


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