A to Z Challenge – B
B is another letter with lots to write about and one of the most important for me at the moment is BODY IMAGE. I have huge body image issues which I am trying hard to overcome. I don’t really know when this started. I was never overweight but was never the girl with the body that the boys wanted either. I guess I was fine really, pretty normal. At 5’7 I was never going to be small and delicate but I was always fairly slim. However, one way or another, by the time I was 17 I had a problem and was not really eating much at all. There wasn’t much support back then and it took until I was 19 to admit that there was an issue and try to get help. Professional help never came and it took many years of struggling to manage until I felt that I was starting to get over it.
In actual fact, I am not sure that you ever really get over it. An eating disorder is about a need to control; it moves in an obsessive cycle and I think that often it is more about learning to manage it than it is about being cured. It sort of lurks in the background and is the go-to when you feel you deserve to be beaten up. After having children I had a far greater respect for my body and was no longer doing the destructive things to it that I had been. I also wanted to present healthy ideas and eating habits to my children so I tried hard to curb things and appear normal.
Under the surface it has always lurked though and I still don’t see myself at all as others do. As much as I might try to hide it, it is always there in the background and can sometimes affect the things that we do quite significantly. I feel guilty about that in the same way that I have seen others feel guilty for the anxiety or low mood which limits them in their relationship, but I have to accept that HisLordship loves me and loves my body and will try to work around the issues that my mind throws up to thwart us. Since starting a D/s lifestyle he has had the perfect tool with which to encourage, and push me past some of the obstacles that surround me.
There were a couple of times near the start when I was pushed too far and this caused triggers for me. This came as a bit of a surprise as I thought that he understood how much of an issue things could be. I think that the honesty and the openness of the D/s has led him to a far greater understanding of the sort of nonsense that goes on in my head and a better understanding of why. It has also meant that he is more able to support me and help me to work through it, slowly bit by bit. I noticed the change quite early and his insistence that I see myself through his eyes led me to see myself differently. Even still, I have gone from how I reacted in Pictures of you to actually posting pictures for Sinful Sunday as part of my Throwing Caution to the Window Project. This had an impact almost straight away and I began to have more strength to fight my thoughts which I wrote about it in Body Image
Since then I have become much more daring quite quickly. Now I don’t just have the comments from Sir to challenge my negative thinking, but also the feedback from the others of you who are kind enough to comment. This has increased my confidence a lot and has become something which I actually take pleasure in doing. HisLordship has always wanted to put me in situations where I am much more exposed to others and that is now something that I am feeling more comfortable with the idea of. Whether it is attending events, or posting things online, I think this is going to be a real area of growth.
Wow this one got kind of long already and I also wanted to mention two other Bs. The first one is BEAUTY which is something I think that has come out of, not just my D/s, but also my blogging experience. Where I have grown in confidence in terms of my body, I also feel like it has made me a better and nicer person. I wrote about this in Being Beautiful as I recognise that what is on the outside is not what is really important. The online community which I have become part of has been so much more accepting and tolerant and inclusive than most others I encounter and I feel really lucky to have met such amazing people.
My final B is BALANCE and that is on a different theme than the two above. I have learnt a lot about myself and about us through this journey and one of the key things is that it is important to have balance in your relationship. The power struggles that could sometimes be our vanilla fallback were left behind long ago, and we have found more clearly defined roles for ourselves which mean that we can work more harmoniously. These roles, although the same in that we are Dom and sub, have had to change to adapt to a range of changing circumstances. Any relationship will always be organic and will change with you as you grow together, but understanding that we need to find the balance that will allow us to work together and compliment each other has been key. For the first part of this journey I think I was aspiring to be something I was not and something I would never be happy being. Submission can take many forms and part of my journey has been about Finding the Balance
I hope that you have enjoyed reading about the letter B and what it holds for us. Check tomorrow for the letter C and to see the rest of my A-Z, click here: A to Z Challenge