the fight

Square pegs, round holes and submission

Square pegs round holes and submission
Long term readers of my blog will no doubt read this piece and think to themselves, ah yes – the end of term post. I have avoided writing it for that reason (predictability can become a bore) and have tried to focus on other things instead. But in the end it is all still whizzing around my head and I often use my writing to get things out rather keeping them in, so I have succumbed and here goes.  It has been a hard term but the main thing that has been a struggle for me has been the fight. I have felt a continual need to don my armour and go to battle one way or another on and off all term, and this has had an impact on me and on my submission.

I had the high of Eroticon as a focus on the other part of me of me of course. That was a welcome break and caused a little internal struggle as I transitioned reluctantly back. But back I was, quite quickly in fact and there I was spending my emotional energy and channelling my passion on things at work rather than things at home. Part of this is good – it means that things at home have been settled and safe and I haven’t had to worry about them, but it also means that there has been less left over for HisLordship. Well less of the good stuff at least. I have been weaker at home and more vulnerable and more needy. I know that I haven’t been as proactive or as attentive or as thoughtful as I should have been.

Fighting the system takes a lot of energy and that is what I have felt I have had to do. It becomes highly personal for me to the point that it is rolling around in my brain long after I have left work. I wake up thinking about it and go to sleep thinking about it. I talk about it and I rant about it as I go about processing it and trying to work out what strategy to employ next. When this is directly about a pupil, my ideas and suggestions are helping them so it is much more rewarding, but when it becomes about me fighting their case in a system that seems not to want to help, it feels far less gratifying and much more frustrating.

I suppose the way I see it, society is made for a certain type. We have to be careful not to say that on paper of course, but in reality that is still the way that it often works. Society, on the whole, looks for round pegs to fit the round holes. The world is built for the round pegs. Those perfectly rounded, smoothed-off pegs look at the holes and think, YAY. My hole. Let me jump right in there and make myself, comfortable. They look around at all the other pegs who wave happily back at them and the world makes sense. It feels good. It feels right. It feels like anything is possible and it feels like if you try hard, you have a fairly good shot at getting what you want.

Then there are the second group.  They are round enough to squeeze in to the hole but it feels a bit too tight. They wonder are they too big for the hole or is this hole just a bit too small for them? They look around and see everyone else happy in their hole and wonder what is wrong with them. They may even try a different hole. This time it may be too big rather than too small so it is loose and they wobble around a bit rather than feeling squished. It’s not really any better but they can pretend a little and hide a little and try to fit in that way. They try to change themselves to fit the hole and they have some degree of success with that.

There is another group. The square pegs. These pegs can’t fit in. They do try. They try to hide themselves, maybe focus on reshaping themselves but it never really works. If you are made for a square hole, then a round hole just isn’t going to fit. The world knows you are there but they see that you are different. Everything in the round-hole world is made by round pegs for round pegs and it is hard to really know how a square peg feels if you aren’t square. The round pegs say things to you like, “Can’t you just try to be rounder?” or “Do this and pretend to be round and in the end you will feel round and it will be ok.” Or some might even rather cruelly say, “You weirdo. Why are you square?”

I am the second type of peg I think. I kind of have a foot in both worlds. I fit but it’s not always an easy fit. I identity with those who are in all three groups and what I really want is for there to be other shapes of hole so that everyone can be comfortable. I have chosen a job where I support all three groups, but most of my time is spent with the square pegs. Because these are only young pegs starting out in the world it makes it worse because I see that slowly things are changing but it isn’t fast enough for them. In school the second group are able to be more easily accommodated but the square pegs are still hard to help.

It breaks my heart and the struggle of trying to make people see, and change to accommodate those who don’t fit, exhausts me. To make a different shape of hole is not easy. It takes more resources and more specialist help because you are doing something different. It costs more money and that is a huge stumbling block. We live in a world where we can’t just say no. People have rights, after all, and this is the 21st century – it might be illegal to just say that you can’t help because they are the wrong shape! But instead of making the right shape of hole it seems to be more about trying to make them fit what is there, even though you know it won’t work.

For me that is hugely difficult to swallow. These aren’t just pegs. They have names. I like them and they like me back and they make me smile and I learn huge amounts from them. I see their value and the potential that has been hidden away and it makes me sad and crazy and it makes me wake up in the middle of the night with plans about what I can do next to try to change the situation for them. I think that in small ways my belief makes a difference but sometimes it is just not enough. It can’t always make the action happen and as a small cog in a giant machine I am easily pushed aside, or drowned out or ignored.

People laugh about the holidays that teachers get but I do really need that time to recharge. I feel like a wrung our rag at the moment and I don’t have the head space or the heart or the fight to keep going much longer. I crawl home back where I am safe and I can curl up and just be small. Tiny. Minuscule. I have to be the big person at work but not at home. I can be weak and needy and I need that. So my submission is there but it changes face. The sexy submissive who comes out other times is replaced by someone far more in need of care.

I am increasingly struck by the fact that there is a familiarity about other D/s couples I come across. The submissives are often women with big personalities and big jobs and big responsibilities. They do things that are important to them and often to others and they shine. I am find myself in awe of them. They are usually with men who you wouldn’t necessarily identify as Dominants at first glance. This goes for the subs also of course as they certainly don’t fit the stereotype. The men are often quieter. They support their women in a gentlemanly way rather than in an overtly dominant way which is why you may overlook their strength. But as you look more closely you see that they are what allows these women to be as they are and do what they do. It is only because of them that any of this happens. They are the safety. They are the home. They are the strength.

I have always said that D/s is about balance. It is about working together so that both your strengths are utilised. It is a way of making more of each other, because you are together and that is what really counts. I can be what I need to be for others and come home and collapse into his arms. He doesn’t even need to ask what has happened or what is wrong because at that moment it doesn’t matter. He knows I need him and he is there for me and lets me be. He absorbs my weakness while he protects me from the world and lets me share his strength while he helps me to find my own again.

There is beauty in this and I see it happen with lots of other couples in similar dynamics. It is not obvious to the wider world, but if you know, you can read it in the clues that are there. They see us, I mean really see us. They watch and they wait and they let us do what we need to do. Then when we need help and it is all getting to be too much they step in, just right before the moment we realise that it is about to crumble. They don’t let us give and break. They keep us held together and we owe them everything. It is not a case of being ordered to your knees as many think, it is a case of wanting to be there because it feels like where you belong.

Posted in Submissive Journal and tagged , , , .


  1. Yes! So much this! I can be all that I am because I can return to His arm to perch and recharge. He loves to see me fly and to have me return.

  2. Thanks for posting this Missy. It fills in quite a bit about the emotional side of D/s for me. Your observations re square pegs round holes fits so well will what I see in my students but also in my friends. Many of us occupy the middle space and chafe or awkwardly accomodate the “fit”. But it’s painful to watch a square peg you care about – someone who has somehow managed to make to make to middle age so beaten down by the struggle that they cannot function adequately on a daily basis. It’s an important piece of writing for me to have read and I sincerely thank you for writing it. Indie xx

    • Awww thank you so much. I really appreciate that feedback. I think I have just had so many weeks of people putting obstacles in the way and a person suffers as a result. I’m not sure how I’d manage without the D/s. I’d be even more of a mess! ?

      • I comprehend fully. My friend and work colleague and I have worked on a program separately and together for a long time now, often in our own unpaid time, working to make it better for students, and ultimately their students. I used to have tenure but quit to care for mum. Now we are are both tutors and have just found out there will be no tutoring work offered next year, so all our work and our plans to make it even more accessible for our students will be wasted. Last night’s dinner with my photographer (WW post) was after another insane day at work. I was hugged, fed, watered and listened to. We are not in a D/s relationship but what we had sounds like what you are talking about about without the kink. But I can see how a spanking and a good hard fucking would have been a perfect accompaniment!

        • The do sound like a lot of parallels ? The kink is the icing on the cake for us really. It’s not an essential ingredient. D/s is about the power exchange and although many of us end up exploring kink it is about being open and honest and building a trust which means that even you deepest darkest desires can be explored. Not everyone desires the same things so as long as you are focused on meeting the needs of the other I think that is the important thing. Sounds like a wonderful relationship with or without the spanking lol

        • It really sounds like it. I read your previous comment before the post but just went to check it out and it is beautiful. That is just what it does for me too ?

  3. Bravo Missy! We’ll said lady. D/s isn’t about control or having to fit into being the round peg that everyone seems you think you need to be. That is what’s so lovely about it. It’s about a Dominant and a submissive that are partners that are equal that understand one another’s needs and wants to strengthen their bond as one unit. By being there when needed even though no words need to be said to one another to know when we just need that safe place of support and communication in comfort in silence, in listening and understanding what each one of us may need from one another on any given day. My Dominant is my leader and I am his submissive which will follow, and I don’t have to be on my knee’s like some may think to fit in. Lol! The benefits of it all is the outlet that we both need and we both enjoy in our lives is the kinky sex.

    • Thank you LT. I think that Lots of people don’t realize about working together as equal partner. They just see the different roles. Nice to see you back btw ?

      • It’s fine to define different roles but when you have to label yourself in the structure of what people interpret as they see the role should be is wrong. The word submissive and the definition defines a person who submits. It doesn’t define how I have to submit or what I must submit to. That is my choice may it be in society’s structure or in a D/s structure. In work, friendships, etc. sometimes it becomes hard on everyone because people in society don’t want equal balance or to help someone because they want only the power to judge or give advice on something they don’t truly know about or don’t realistically do themselves on a daily basis. Sometimes it all about the profit margin to some people. In a D/s married relationship it’s not all about control, if there is not equal balance between Dom/sub the D/s relationship in my opinion it will falter because there will be no harmony only struggle in the long term. This is my opinion only! And thank you Missy it’s nice to be back. I am not on as much any more because my Sir is retired now and wants my focus and attention more. 🙂

  4. I’m glad you have the chance to recharge. People often forget that teaching is far more than 8hours a day. It occupies all your working hours and drains you on a way few jobs do. Recharging oneself also takes time so enjoy this time and make the most of it.

  5. I love this post. If only the wider world could see the beautiful intimacy that builds within the D/s dynamic. Knowing you’re accepted for who you are, being cared for without question. I completely understand how you feel – we see your struggle through your writing and your frustrations. We see the strength you find in submission and the support Hislordship gives you.
    Enjoy your Easter break.

    • Awww thank you. I can wait for some extra time to sort myself out and I appreciate the support I get from everyone here when it is tough ?

  6. I asked Missy to read this post out to me before she posted. I already knew she wouldn’t make all the way though before emotions took over. At the end of each school term she crashes emotionally and we both make allowances for that. It’s not easy, however, we adopt the brace position and roll with the impact. The good side is that once the holidays begin, licking the wounds is the fun bit!
    Whilst missy’s post was about evidently about our D/s relationship, that being the forum she operates in. It should be recognised that writing allows her to manage the intense emotions of dealing with children who, through no fault of their own, cannot fit into mainstream schools. 90% of her efforts go into 2% of her pupils and the same can be said for her emotional energy. We now know people in our kinky life who either have hellish family issues, work in health, as teachers and on occasion have physical personal challenges that affect every part of their waking life.
    That is where D/s comes to the front with greatest impact I would argue. Not when you are close to orgasm or when the pain screams out fantastically. It is when the darkness closes in and you need a warm burning light.

    • Thank you for adding this here and for being there for me everywhere. It sounds like this could be the start of a longer post for you? ❤️

  7. I love this post. Luckily I don’t do term time working but I completely agree with you about the important job and having to come home and collapse on him. Relying on his quiet strength to keep me going.
    Thank you x

    • Thanks missy. So good to know that others feel the same. I got that impression when we spoke too. Relying on his quiet strength to keep you going is a lovely way of putting it ?

  8. You give us such a clear view of how you experience yourself in ‘the world’.
    It is sometimes so impossible to fit in, it even hurts and in other situations you feel snug and save.
    You describe also your D/s relation is about balance. Methinks you (we/I) have to find balance in your (our/my) attitude in relation with the different aspects of ‘the world’. This balance you find in yourself and/or together with other people. And if balance is impossible, you HAVE to act. That is also balancing. Even if you don’t succeed.
    I hope you keep your (joy) of balance.

    • I think that the last few months I have had a better understanding of the different parts of myself and how they work together. Sir and I have found a balance that works for us too and that has been a big help. Thank you for your comment ?

  9. Wise call on the gentleman’s part.
    I have often pondered how a system can encourage us to be “special, unique in our own way” and “fit in, be a part of the team”. Seems a poorly thought out message.

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