A submissive mind. Yes please. I would like to order one of these. Recently I have been having problems quieting my crazy messed up head which is stuffed full of thoughts that seem to go round and round and round. It drives me nuts at times that I can’t switch off and I can see that sometimes it really does work against my desire to submit. We had a discussion the other night at The SWC about whether it was easier to submit body or mind, and this got me thinking that actually, if my head was a quieter less busy place, things would be a whole lot easier.
Part of the issue is work in that I am totally overloaded with information which is of an emotional nature. This sort of stuff is not something that I can file away and leave. If I have an emotional connection with something then it is there, fixed in my mind and not easy to push away. Other information however, factual or trivial (trivial to me of course) will just pass through and be filed forever in the great library of my mind. Perhaps everyone is like this but if there is an emotional trigger for me, then the information is not filed and stored in the same way. It sits there on the librarian’s desk, looking at her, waiting for her to sort through it and do something with it.
The nature of my work means that most of what happens in a day, causes me to connect with it emotionally. Similarly when I get home, the nature of family means that I am usually emotionally connected to much of what is happening. The result? Information overload. There is not enough time to process it all for storage so it waits there while I continue with the routine of the day. It is shuffled around a bit as the pile is added to and grows ever taller, until by the end of the day, there are several piles and a whole heap of mess to work through. As a busy person, I haven’t dealt with most of it. Some, of course, has pushed through when it saw an opportunity, but most will have to wait until it can find its time.
Fast forward to the end of the day. I am freshly bathed and waiting in bed. My instructions are clear and I begin to slip into that submissive space where I can feel not think and as I do that, I slowly relax and unwind. Suddenly the things in the pile that I had pushed to the back seize their moment and reach out to catch my mind’s eye. They push forward, taking my attention and focus and I push them back, trying instead to pull myself into the sensation and emotion. It is not always easy to remain there; sometimes it can be a struggle back and forth that will take a long time and others it can happen more quickly.
In speaking to some of the other submissives on the chat, I realised that this is not what everyone is dealing with and it made me think about why this happened and what I could do to help with it. The suggestions of rituals and routines are things that we already have in place, and certainly my desire to respond is not in question. For me the way it seems to work is that I submit my body easily and it responds physically. My mind then tries to take some of my focus and I work to try to push out the thoughts that are not wanted. At some point I succeed long enough to give my body a chance to respond to the arousal. My mind then goes quiet as my body takes over and I become all sensation and emotion and my head sort of floats away.
Clearly a huge part of it are the things that HisLordship says and does and this will mean that the pattern and the length of time it takes is not set. If he does something to trigger my submissive space in a big way, and then keeps me there, it will be easy just to slip in and go with it. This works well when we try something new, or something I am a bit scared about but in a relationship like ours, the trust and the comfort levels are so huge that this can’t happen every day. It will also be easier when there are less distractions, so time away or on our own together, or during the holidays when there are only the home things to deal with works much better.
I suppose that we are all different and the way it works for one will not be the way it works for another, but I do wish for a mind that would submit when it is told, rather than one that tries to do its own thing sometimes. The long six week summer break has shown me that it is not just the way I am, but also the fact that I am overloaded much of the time, which means that I am not always able to respond immediately in the way that I want to. As with many things, being aware of the what and the why often helps you to work out the how and as a solution focussed person, I hope that I will find new ways to manage and deal with this.
I do know that I need things which will trigger me emotionally and not just physically in order to slip easily into the place that I want to be, and just knowing that should make things a little easier than they have been at times. We have moved to a place where I make the transition easily from work to home and am able to find my submissive mindset through the rituals and actions that we have established. This makes me hopeful that we can find a way to compartmentalise some of the thoughts that pop up when I start to relax and unwind, in the same way that we have been for the times when I am actively focussed on a task.
One thing I do know is that being free from my head and the busyness of it is such a wonderful respite that I crave it more and more. That is why submission is so freeing as it allows me to completely escape and feel that I am no longer weighed down by things about other people. During this time I feel that I connect with the person I really am and am able to shed my skin and just be. This deeper submission means that I am devoid of responsibility and thought. It comes when I have let go completely and it is only through this that I am able to truly submit both body and mind.