rights and opportunities

Female Cross-ing (rant warning)

I have made no secret of the fact that I would say I am a feminist. I know that I would be thrown out of the group by those who would see me as a traitor to the cause because I am also a submissive, and a feminist who is also a submissive is of course a paradox not worth entertaining. However we do exist and actually there are lots of us around. A feminist is defined as being someone who believes in feminism. And feminism is defined as being the advocacy of women’s rights on the grounds of the equality of the sexes. This is what I believe: that women should have the same rights and opportunities, therefore meaning that it doesn’t matter what your gender is.

My belief actually goes beyond this in feeling that people should have equality of rights regardless of biological sex, gender identity or expression, and/or sexuality. To me this is no different that exacting equal rights and opportunities for all races. What I do not believe is that people are all the same. That is ridiculous. There are differences and some of these may be determined by the criteria above but that need not necessarily be the case. I see my views as being sensible, logical and rational and, although I know that many would share these views, I keep hearing the loud shouts and accusations of those from the other camps who seem to have missed the point entirely.

I am troubled by the move I see which seems to seek to reclaim masculinity at the expense of women. If some men feel they are less masculine than they wish to be then by all means step it up a notch – whatever makes you happy in life is what you should do. What I object to is that doing such a thing seems to involve changing more than just attitudes about themselves.  In order to have feedback and a benchmark, they seem to require women to be a certain way too which seems a little unfair and a little irritating. I do not see why we have to suddenly renounce the rights that we have fought for so that we can feed their idea of what masculinity is.

My brand of feminism gives me a choice and in that I choose to be submissive to my husband. I am not forced to do so by society in the same way that my grandmother was; I have the choice and this is what I choose. Neither am I forced to by my husband; he respects and values my submission to him, not because he is male and it feeds his ego and his misled view of the natural order of things, but because he values the fact that as an educated and privileged woman, I choose to submit to him. He doesn’t need my submission to be a man, or to feel masculine and he doesn’t have my respect and trust because he has a penis and can do more press ups than me. These things are irrelevant – not just to me but to the debate.

Society is evolving and as people we are evolving: this has brought, and will bring, change and I do understand that some people will feel threatened by that. But if they really took the time to try to understand and educate themselves about it, rather than reacting to the media, both social and mainstream, by jumping on a bandwagon, then I think this could all be quietly put to bed. But as it is, there seem to be parties either side who are all fired up and are setting expectations and making gestures which are not really helpful to the main body, who are quietly just happy, making their choices and getting on with things.

Just because you are a woman you don’t have to stay at home and serve your husband. You don’t even need to get married and, throw caution to the wind here, you may want to have a partner who is another woman or be the Dominant one in your relationship. Likewise, as a male, you have a plethora of options in front of you and they need not all fit neatly into the boxes that society has carved out in the past.  This sort of thinking is a backward step and will not lead to progress or happiness for the individual, even if it makes the few who are shouting feel better about the order of things.

Having made my feelings clear about the opinions of the wannabe male Doms pumping it out in the gym and sharing crude conquering strategies, while they use up their weekly allotment of sweary words over an ice cold beer, I have to also point the finger at those who are making gestures of the other kind: political correctness is not helping here guys. With your ill thought out gestures you are adding fuel to the fire of those who would burn us to our senses with our own desire, and take charge! They arrive back from the pub incensed and ready to take charge and show her what’s what, only to find that they are relegated to the spare room for bad behaviour with the boys, and it becomes a viscous circle. No winners there.

Which brings me to my original point – yes there was one before I became sidetracked. Female traffic lights? I recently read about the new “female” traffic signals installed in Melbourne as part of a gender equality campaign to combat “unconscious bias”. While I understand the sentiment of representation rather than exclusion, surely again the point has been missed. Why is the person wearing a dress? I am sensing an overt gender bias from that! Have the two sides actually come together to squeeze the middle into submission just for a quiet life? This sort of action really doesn’t help and the powers that be have surely missed the point. What people want is the right to be able to have equality of opportunity, choice and experience. Being able to cross at a set of lights which suggest I am wrongly attired hardly makes me feel that! Shouldn’t ‘she’ have long hair too? And wait, what about her child?

I am starting to feel that this is a conspiracy which will end in us all having to be extremely one way or another. Will I have to give up my job to say at home and wear a skirt or will I have to stop letting my husband spank me and then kneel to take his cock in my mouth? Where is my free will and choice? Where is my individualism as you all try to make me something that I am not. Why can’t I be what I want to be? Why is that such a threat? I must be stupid to have believed that the light was just meant as a symbol of a pedestrian and to follow it would keep me safe. I didn’t realise it had a penis, was a threat, and that I had to be neatly back my a box in order to be part of the world – I actually thought we were getting past all of that.

So what can we do when we, the majority, feel that things are going ok? Where is our voice? As a woman (biologically) who is female and feminine and straight and white and has a professional job, surely if I am feeling isolated by my thinking that doesn’t give much hope for the rest of  society? I should find it easy to feel included and fit in and yet I seem to be surrounded by a world that is slowly missing the point. Men can be men, women can be women, people can be people, and some can change their minds how they want to be viewed as often as they feel the desire to do that. It should matter not. So I will wait eagerly for the gender free traffic light to be erected in our village. Oh wait – that is what we already have!

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , , .


  1. That whole traffic light gendering idea seems insane. Who decided that was a need? I’m guessing, someone who doesn’t want to tackle an actual problem, but wants credit just the same. Great post!

  2. Bravo Missy! So tell me Missy what happens when men in your country are at those lights wearing their kilts? Are they now considered women. Lol! (Just wondering)

  3. Hi, Missy. I rant on this a lot as you know.
    A lot of what people eludes people about D/s is what it really is. I see submission or dominance as something closer to a sexual orientation. Most people seem to accept that someone being gay or straight is a part of you and not all of you. If someone happens to be a homosexual bottom, people don’t make assumptions that they must be submissive nor would they be more or less of a feminist, etc.
    In general, and especially in M/f, people seem blind to the fact that if you are “a submissive” or “a dominant,” that this side of you functions independently of the rest of you. Basically, a person’s public vanilla persona and private submissive persona may have completely different traits, thoughts, and behaviors. An easy example is comparing how people behave at work vs. their D/s role. There are a large number of people like CEO’s and professionals that are submissives and they use submission to let go of the responsibility for a time.
    Similarly, I see being a feminist and “a submissive” as being completely unrelated things.
    The toxic masculinity that you speak of only “fits” when people treat submissive (adjective) and submissive (noun) interchangeably and without distinction… and tends to feel rather ignorant. Sadly, I see both men and women make this mistake fairly regularly.
    Take care.

    • Yes I agree with you. I do think that sometimes people are seen as being their sexuality but only where that differs from what people expect. At my work for example there are teachers who are gay who would make excellent positive role models for the young people but they don’t feel they can be open about it because the judgement wouldn’t always be fair. At the end of the day you are who you are and I think those who seek to have us all shaped in the same image are wrong. What I like is the fact that coming to it from different sides we both feel the same but unfortunately what we think doesn’t seem to be represented even though I think we are in the majority. ?

      • “unfortunately what we think doesn’t seem to be represented even though I think we are in the majority. ”
        I think at many times we take it for granted that people won’t see things in a backwards way, so it doesn’t need to be said… until we find people saying those backwards things.

  4. Thank you for writing this!! I have tried explaining before how I am a feminist and a submissive, but they are always believed to be mutually exclusive terms. I have never been able to get the words out properly.

    • I think that we remain a conundrum to many as the stereotype of a submissive is not an accurate representation of what we are actually like. Neither is that of a feminist I guess ?

  5. Great post. I too call myself a feminist yet i am also submissive to my husband. I’ve posted my own rants on the subject as well. You hit all the right buttons with your observations! Feminism is not about female domination per se, it’s about equal opportunity to do so. I choose not, but it is my choice. My husbands dominance is not rooted in religious or societal expectations. It’s rooted in our love. Thank u for this post.

    • Thank you Jen. I have enjoyed reading your previous posts about it too. I know that I am not naturally submissive in life and don’t defer to all men just because. Your explanation of it as being rooted in love is accurate for me too. This works for us. It may not for the next person and it wouldn’t have worked for me in my previous relationship. ?

  6. Well said Missy. as for those that may think that being a feminist and a submissive are incompatible have no understanding of the real dynamic in a D/s relationship.
    It’s good to rant, as there are too many idiots trying to interfere with things that just don’t need changing and then do bugger all about the really important things!

    • I am sure that a submissive feminist is no more of an oddity to some than a submissive male. The ‘masculine camp’ really can’t wrap their heads around that one. And Dominant females? Whatever next? Lol. Odd to be seen as a threat in that way though.

  7. Issuing a rant is always fraught with some dangers, however, SOME rants just need to be heard. I agree entirely with missy’s comments. From my perspective as her husband and Dom, I would never have entered into a relationship with her had she been anything other than the standard bearer for equal rights. She works hard and, on occasion ‘plays’ hard too. Giving people the opportunity to grow and have an equal standing in life is her job, and this extends into her world of kink where women can be seen as the podium for some men to stand on. I’m a strong believer in men doing men’s things as equally as believing women should do women’s things, however, I don’t define what those activities are, or criticise those who do them, just as long they are not conducted to the detriment of other people. I’m all up for burning a bra, even more so if I’m allowed to remove it first!

  8. missy, missy. missy. You are soooooooo the epitome of the feminist ideal. You’ve taken full responsibility for your life and choices, and now, you’ve reaped the rewards of submission. Wave that flag proudly; you’ve earned the right to stand on the feminist stump and proclaim your independence and choice to give your trust to Sir.

    • Awww that is a lovely thing to say. You have just given me the boost I needed – back to work in the cold and the dark never felt so good lol. Thank you ?

  9. i am not a feminist … but rather an anti feminist – and this is because i loathe labels.
    i am however a human being and this i believe should be the only criteria for equality. It matters not your sex, your colour or creed. I am no different from any other human creature on this planet and that is that.
    But – my mind is mine and mine alone as with every other human creature and that is what makes us different.
    I dont believe men really want what they appear to want but it is some women that makes then feel this way. It is some women who truly emasculate men and make then say stupid things just so they feel the power they think they want.
    i believe most men… they want a woman who is strong and confident but who makes their men feel safe loved and secure.
    More and more i find that it is some women who have it all wrong.
    You sweetest Missy are so very right – and you write your words so well and beautifully.

    • I think there are probably people on both sides of the debate who get it wrong. I agree with what you say about just seeing and accepting people as they are and less putting into boxes would surely help. We seem stuck with the labels for now it seems ?

      • labels labels labels… it seems that things with labels have more value than things without….
        i have worked all over the world, in so many different positions – from HK Stock Exchange where i helped with another set up a whole dept, from huge banks in the city, to little crummy cafes and posh restuarants – i have worked in private houses, on farms and building sites… i know the power i have over men especially when i dress and/or behave in certain ways. i am not married but have a child – i have never really wanted to marry – i like the idea but i left home at 14 and i have just been on my own far too long to change.
        i have seen good men and bad men, and good women and bad women and there are always two sides to every story. i feel so badly for men these days – they simply don’t know any longer what is really expected of them. They are, on the whole, gentle creatures who just want to be loved. I feel that men sometimes work from more of a steriotype than women do. Women today can have absolutely everything they desire – nothing is really barred – whereas men… not so.
        i think … oh i dont know… i think that it is so unfair that we can have anything we like and refuse to compromise whereas men spend their lives compromising.
        For the past 20 or so years, i have worked my ass off to be a housekeeper. i now have my perfect job that i have dreamed of for it seems forever. i cook, i clean, im the plumber, and gardener, window cleaner and ironer – i run
        the huge house in the middle of the countryside all on my own. i do absolutely everything. There are times when i need a man, just because i am only 5ft 2 and have severe artheritis and i simply cannot manage some jobs. i have almost no cash to run the house so the only way i can get help is by fluttering my eyelashes and smile – i also make sure i cook something delicious and tempting. i make no bones about what i do to get what i need – and it is always taken well by the men around me. i don’t hide who or what i am but more and more i am finding women get so angry with me for wearing my heart on my sleave (speling). i work and live with a mutal respect and understanding. i find that the men around me like nothing more than a smile, a little conversation and some good warm food – but the women are finding this very offensive…. i simply do not understand. This world is getting too much for me sometimes.

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