I have written about pain before and in my post Pleasure from Pain looked at the relationship between the two and how that works for me. I still feel that there is a very close link between them for me but lately I have come to feel that my response to each is a lot to do with control. The painful truth is that I do not find pain an easy thing to give up control of and this limits me somewhat and means that I need the pleasure to make the pain work well for me. I have no issue with giving up control of my pleasure, in fact it is something that comes naturally and easily for me, hence the D/s works well. I don’t want to own my own pleasure but I have always owned my own pain to the point that I would inflict it upon myself both physically and emotionally.
I have learnt a lot from HisLordship about pleasure and allowing him to manage mine for me, has led to me feeling much happier generally in myself. He pushes me to do things for myself, to enjoy myself, to spoil myself and to have fun. I am not sure why I am stacked this way, whether it was my upbringing or the part of the world I am from, but seeking pleasure was not something that I did for myself and although I always worked to make others happy I am far more likely to beat myself up over something than to bang my own drum. Often we accept that we are as we are and it is only through talking to others that I have come to examine my relationship with pain and to come to the conclusion that is it not something that I let go of very easily.
I don’t see this as being an issue but it may be an explanation and it may be something that awareness of will allow us to work on. What I can say is that in terms of play, I will more easily fall into subspace from forced orgasms than I ever would from impact play alone. For that, the recipe has to be just so – too hard and I will pull back, not enough and the thoughts keep filling my head so to find the point where I can let go needs some skill and judgement from Sir. I will find it relaxing and get to the point of melting into it but it doesn’t quite block out the other things going on. Add some stimulation and/or close body contact with him and the connection is enough to allow me to take a different path.
The way I respond to pain is to keep it separate from me. It will be there and I can feel it but I dissociate somewhat from it. I withdraw into my head in order to avoid it and can do so to the point that I am really not part of it at all. Mentally I make a choice to own it and to manage it and that leaves me separate from everything, and everyone, else. I do realise that this is just a step away from the place that others find themselves in and it may seem that it is the same, but what I can’t do it translate that to anything pleasurable. It is about strength and pride and not being defeated or giving it. Essentially it is about the fight and in order to do that I have to be in control of it so there is no space for letting go and letting anyone else in.
When the pleasure and the pain is combined then I think the pleasure can become my focus. The pain seems to enhance it and the two merge and I give up control and let myself go with it. It becomes about Sir and about his control of me and this takes me to another level. I lose myself and am free of the thoughts that keep me rooted and only then am I able to shift to a place where I can simply respond. But where there is pain alone, it has the opposite effect. I can only explain it as the difference between having complete clarity of cognition and being hyper-focussed to drifting in a delirious fog where all rational conscious thought is gone.
I have long felt that their hierarchy of submission seems to place the masochist and the pain slut at the top of the tree, almost as if that is what you should aim for in order to prove yourself. The other forms of play seem to be viewed as somewhat lesser than impact and where is it fine to say that they are not for you, the prize of subspace from impact is something that submissive society seems to want to you be able to attain. In discussing my relationship with pain I have sometimes felt that there is the opinion that I just haven’t got it yet. It has been suggested that perhaps we don’t play hard enough, or that we don’t follow the science of the timing to endorphin high, but it isn’t like we haven’t tried these things, my psychology just means that they don’t work as the text book says they should.
My painful truth is that pain in play exists to heighten the pleasure and to combine the two allows me to use one to enhance the other, but the balance has to be right. I don’t need pain to orgasm, I need to feel that Sir is controlling my body. I won’t get off on pain alone, I will need the pleasure to be my focus. In order to reach subspace I will need him to push my body so that he forces me to let go of my mind too. Heavy pain will likely do the opposite, forcing my to pull away and gather my defensive cloak around me, and turn inwards to a place where I can control things closely and use my mind to keep my body safe. Clearly this is counter productive to where we want to go and to the fact that we want to go there together, so Sir will tread that line carefully and make a judgement when he has to pull back so that he can tip me over.
More submissive musings.