The painful truth

The painful truth

I have written about pain before and in my post Pleasure from Pain looked at the relationship between the two and how that works for me. I still feel that there is a very close link between them for me but lately I have come to feel that my response to each is a lot to do with control. The painful truth is that I do not find pain an easy thing to give up control of and this limits me somewhat and means that I need the pleasure to make the pain work well for me. I have no issue with giving up control of my pleasure, in fact it is something that comes naturally and easily for me, hence the D/s works well. I don’t want to own my own pleasure but I have always owned my own pain to the point that I would inflict it upon myself both physically and emotionally.

I have learnt a lot from HisLordship about pleasure and allowing him to manage mine for me, has led to me feeling much happier generally in myself. He pushes me to do things for myself, to enjoy myself, to spoil myself and to have fun. I am not sure why I am stacked this way, whether it was my upbringing or the part of the world I am from, but seeking pleasure was not something that I did for myself and although I always worked to make others happy I am far more likely to beat myself up over something than to bang my own drum. Often we accept that we are as we are and it is only through talking to others that I have come to examine my relationship with pain and to come to the conclusion that is it not something that I let go of very easily.

I don’t see this as being an issue but it may be an explanation and it may be something that awareness of will allow us to work on. What I can say is that in terms of play, I will more easily fall into subspace from forced orgasms than I ever would from impact play alone. For that, the recipe has to be just so – too hard and I will pull back, not enough and the thoughts keep filling my head so to find the point where I can let go needs some skill and judgement from Sir. I will find it relaxing and get to the point of melting into it but it doesn’t quite block out the other things going on. Add some stimulation and/or close body contact with him and the connection is enough to allow me to take a different path.

The way I respond to pain is to keep it separate from me. It will be there and I can feel it but I dissociate somewhat from it. I withdraw into my head in order to avoid it and can do so to the point that I am really not part of it at all. Mentally I make a choice to own it and to manage it and that leaves me separate from everything, and everyone, else. I do realise that this is just a step away from the place that others find themselves in and it may seem that it is the same, but what I can’t do it translate that to anything pleasurable. It is about strength and pride and not being defeated or giving it. Essentially it is about the fight and in order to do that I have to be in control of it so there is no space for letting go and letting anyone else in.

When the pleasure and the pain is combined then I think the pleasure can become my focus. The pain seems to enhance it and the two merge and I give up control and let myself go with it. It becomes about Sir and about his control of me and this takes me to another level. I lose myself and am free of the thoughts that keep me rooted and only then am I able to shift to a place where I can simply respond. But where there is pain alone, it has the opposite effect. I can only explain it as the difference between having complete clarity of cognition and being hyper-focussed to drifting in a delirious fog where all rational conscious thought is gone.

I have long felt that their hierarchy of submission seems to place the masochist and the pain slut at the top of the tree, almost as if that is what you should aim for in order to prove yourself. The other forms of play seem to be viewed as somewhat lesser than impact and where is it fine to say that they are not for you, the prize of subspace from impact is something that submissive society seems to want to you be able to attain.  In discussing my relationship with pain I have sometimes felt that there is the opinion that I just haven’t got it yet. It has been suggested that perhaps we don’t play hard enough, or that we don’t follow the science of the timing to endorphin high, but it isn’t like we haven’t tried these things, my psychology just means that they don’t work as the text book says they should.

My painful truth is that pain in play exists to heighten the pleasure and to combine the two allows me to use one to enhance the other, but the balance has to be right. I don’t need pain to orgasm, I need to feel that Sir is controlling my body. I won’t get off on pain alone, I will need the pleasure to be my focus. In order to reach subspace I will need him to push my body so that he forces me to let go of my mind too. Heavy pain will likely do the opposite, forcing my to pull away and gather my defensive cloak around me, and turn inwards to a place where I can control things closely and use my mind to keep my body safe. Clearly this is counter productive to where we want to go and to the fact that we want to go there together, so Sir will tread that line carefully and make a judgement when he has to pull back so that he can tip me over.




More submissive musings.

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  1. Thank you for sharing Missy. I agree with much of what you write here…
    I know we are just starting our journey but I think we all experience things differently and have different triggers. I say time and again this is a personal journey between 2 people (usually) and it will only make sense to them.
    I have seen the judgement you speak of too. Those who think you’re not a submissive if you have any kind of opinion on what what works for you and what doesn’t. That having opinions makes you less of a submissive somehow. If you don’t give over all control all of the time then you’re not ‘real’.
    One of the things I love about SWC is that the ethos you promote of acceptance and openness.

    • Aww thank you sweet. I have definitely changed my opinion on things and also my responses to things have changed as we have gone deeper into this but I agree what we all can feel things differently to each other. I like that as it makes things more interesting. ?

    • Although, heavy pain can succeed in exhausting me, thereby stripping me of layers and exposing me in the end. But it has to be heavy, a long session, or particularly intense or challenging.

      • That makes sense. I wondered if playing in front of others at a club etc would also make the effect different as I think that would alter my response, and it might add the dimension that the pleasure does.

        • It is definitely different for me. It adds an erotic dimension that is intensely connecting, which seems odd since there are essentially there involved, but the envoronment and scenerio allows for a depth that is just different. More so when more overtly sexual play is incorporated, for me.

          • I am not sure if we will ever try it or not. I am pleased that you are getting a lot from it though. It’s on our maybe list. I think we would but the time and the place has to be right.

  2. Thank you for your thoughts on pain.
    “submissive society” to be frank i could’nt care less… the frase “Your kink is not my kink” get more true the more i learn abort the D/s -dom. And can easilly be translated to “your pain is not my pain”. Based on my experience there’s good pain and bad. Some can lead to “flying”(subspace) some don’t. I can “fly” from impact but it dosen’t take more than a change in tool and an other sencetion to bring me back out.
    My relation to pain and “tourture play” has changed as Mester over a long time has trained me to take it in and let it do its thing to my body instad of fending it off.
    I think hounesty is eminent in this prosess. Mester knows my voice well, there’s no need for yellow or reeds. The wrong kind of pain leads to the wrong kind of “au!” The mindset and level of arousel changes the “rools” and has to be learn. For both sub and Dom.
    Hope this made sence

    • It does. And I think that lots would agree with the way that it works and builds for you. My experience so far has not been like that with it. It has not developed in the last three years and has never led me to ‘fly’. I won’t rule out that ever happening but it is not something that I am seeking or looking for anymore. Thank you for your comment. It is always interesting to hear how it works for people. ?

  3. @Kan
    So relate to:”heavy pain can succeed in exhausting me, thereby stripping me of layers and exposing me in the end.”

  4. Whenever you revisit this subject, I get a vision of you circling round and round muttering, ‘pain. pleasure. pain. pleasure.’ while trying to differentiate btwn the two states of submission. For you though, pain and pleasure are the same and rather than seeking to split them apart through nuanced explanations, perhaps you should pounce on the opportunity every time it arises.
    Happy New Year, and may 2018 be filled with lots of pleasurepain.

  5. Pingback: Emotional Masochism • The SafeworD/s Club

  6. I’m glad you reposted this as it pre-dates my blogging and reading sex-bloggers.

    You write “It is about strength and pride and not being defeated or giving it”. That was me for such a long time, I associated it with my inability to safeword. I’ve previously written about the point of crisis when a hard stroke landed … “I want it to stop. Yet in asking myself that rational question I conclude that if I’m rational enough to ask it, then I’m not at the limit. By which time the pain has started to disperse and the mental answer has to be ‘yes, I can take one more stroke'”. That sounds similar to the vice like self-control you talk about. Though I think you are more rational than me in knowing when you need to stop.

    I think I was somewhat confused about what I was fighting. Part of it certainly was pride and related to the hierarchy you mention where I could feel a failure for not being like those subs you see on the videos.

    I slowly changed under my current domme. The realisation that challenging her in that kind of fight was a total mismatch, I would lose badly. It’s all very nuanced, I still can’t safeword. What’s changed is that I no longer need the control to fight myself and handle the pain. I wouldn’t call it giving in, either. If anything there’s even more determination to go to the limit, but in working with and within the pain rather than fighting it, I couldn’t tell you anymore where the limit is.

    Fascinating prompt topic. ??

    • That is really interesting Melody and also very helpful. Sometimes I wonder if I have closed things down where I should have left them open and part of that is the reason for wanting to submit. In preventing myself from letting go (for whatever reason) I am retaining the control and not really ever experiencing what lies beyond that. HL has said that he wants to explore pain again and go further so hopefully he will find a way to take me past the point where I would naturally resist him in a sense. Thank you for adding your thoughts on this. I wasn’t sure about reposting an older piece but I wanted to write a new one for the SWC anyway on pain and I am glad, in light of this comment, that I did add it. I think we all have so many great posts which have been missed. I’d love to have time to just get lost in some of them. Thank you ?

    • Thank you LSB. I now find myself at a crossroads where I have dismissed it as not my thing only to learn that it is HL’s thing so I will definitely revisit the topic when I know how all of that is going to work. ?

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