D/s is a dance

The D/s Dance

I have often said that I think D/s is like a dance. This is because, if done well, it can be a thing of beauty. There is a lot of focus required, there are intricate steps to learn, you can add lib a little depending on your mood and it is one of those things where no matter how skilled you are, there are always new moves to learn and to try.  The other thing about D/s is that, like dancing, it will not work if you both want to lead. You will become knotted up and frustrated; at worst you may end up tripping up your partner and falling on the floor, and at best you could find yourself treading on their toes and falling out with them for a time.

Like a dance, with D/s you need to keep your focus. If you let this slip, the consequences may be more than merely missing a step. You need your focus to keep you together and moving as one. When two people dance next to each other it can look very pleasant to watch, but it doesn’t have the charge and the connection of a couple who are locked together and seem to become one. By keeping your mind on the structure and being aware of what is going on around you, you are able to move along together, stepping out of the way of the things that might trip you up.

Anyone can dance, but it is only with practice that you really can dance well as a couple. If you want to move with your partner then you need to agree who is leading and who is going to follow. You have a routine and a structure to follow which will keep you working together as a good team and D/s is very much like that. We can all give it a go and initially it might seem that you take naturally to it, but eventually you may become tired, your energy may fade and you will need a set of rules to fall back on to help you to keep moving even when there are things in your way.

The longer you dance, the better you will get as your fitness and your skill level will improve. Not only will this mean that it all starts to look more effortless, but it will mean that it becomes somewhat second nature to do what you do. Like learning new dances, D/s will be a journey that is ever changing.  While there are things that you will do all the time, the very nature of it means that you are likely to explore things together that you had not considered previously. Through communication that is open and honest, you will probably find yourselves pushing your boundaries and trying to learn a set of new steps.

To dance well as a couple you will respond to each other and will use movements which almost echo one another. In the same way D/s is like a dance where one partner is continually responding to the other by thinking about their needs, wants and feelings. This really, I think, is the beauty of a D/s relationship: one person does something which elicits a response in the other so it becomes a continual cycle of give and take. As with anything, it is likely that at times you will mess up, perhaps miss a step or even trip or fall, but with practice you will work together seamlessly so that you are quickly back in step with one another and are moving together once again.

In the end, couples who dance can end up having a connection that is so close that they can add lib and not have to stick to a well rehearsed routine. They spark off each other and become absorbed in the energy that they create together and I feel that the power exchange in D/s also allows this to happen. The intimacy that exists between you means that you can get to the point where one of you is able to do something which was not necessarily expected and the other is able to respond naturally to that in a way which matches the action itself and was the desired response of the partner who initiated it.

Of course , in order to follow your partner, there has to be an inherent trust there for both parties. You need to know that they are going to take you in the right direction and they need to know that you will indeed follow where they have decided to go and this takes some time to build up. Like any dance with tricky steps, there will be challenges along the way for your D/s too and you need to know that you can rely on each other to get your through. I always feel it is a bit like letting go and falling back and knowing that there is someone there to catch you. You both have your part to play as you need to be prepared to let go and he has to be ready to catch you but this can be exciting and exhilarating for you both.


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  1. This was really beautiful to read, Missy! Thanks for writing it <3
    "The longer you dance, the better you will get as your fitness and your skill level will improve. Not only will this mean that it all starts to look more effortless, but it will mean that it becomes somewhat second nature to do what you do."
    – I love this bit especially. It really reminds me of the concept/idea of the freedom for excellence. The idea is that working towards such a freedom has the aim of making attainment of a good first possible and then effortless.

  2. It was hard for me to let go and follow where Alpha leads us in the dance (and at times, it still is). Old habits die hard. But I love the dance, and the intimacy that comes with it, and am getting better with practice.
    Lovely post, missy.

    • Agreed. For me it is my default setting I think so when I feel stressed or anxious or overwhelmed my response has always been to try to control those aspects and that is when I need him to step in and provide that for me even though it may not look like the obvious thing to do. Thank you for sharing ?

  3. I loved your posting. When I dance, I have to close my eyes so that I can follow my partner. It clears my head. It makes me feel free. I find that in my life – I can’t always close my eyes, so I’m learning to “lean in” to have that feeling of following, without losing my own identity.

    • Thank you for taking the time to comment Kari and for sharing that thought. I know exactly what you mean – there is such freedom to just letting go of everything and allowing yourself for be led. ?

  4. Love your new post missy.
    That dance can be a lovely thing for the two dancing. The more practise the better gets the experience.
    That dance can be a lovely thing to watch for others as well.
    As many good dancers like to show others their dancing skils. D/s couples are not unkown to show off their skils or their dance if you like and it can be a lovely thing to watch.
    The more time and practise done the lovelier to watch.

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