Sometimes HL and I can go through times where we are less physical together than at others. This can be for a variety of reasons. Maybe one of us is tired or stressed or sick or working away or involved in dealing with something emotional. At times like this we will need each other and support each other in a different way. I don’t think that we are ever really all of of one or all of another, more we are a blend of both physical and emotional but the balance will be different depending on what else is going on at the time. Usually this works but sometimes I need him to love me hard.
I also think that with both parts the more you have the more you want and this will happen for me particularly with the physical. If we have been quite active and have played a lot then it will be on my mind much more. I will find myself thinking about it and craving it. I don’t think that it works quite the same for HisLordship as he is triggered by the things that he sees and that will activate him and put him in the mood. For me it can be a bit trickier though and I can slip into being more functional and arrive at a point where I am not really thinking so much about the physical side.
Needless to say, Sir doesn’t like it when this happens; he has come to accept that for me, however, I seek the physical connection when I feel emotionally close and that the more play we do, the more I will crave. When we have regular time together it works out really well but when there are other barriers in our way, it can be hard to always be consistent and we can find that things cool off just a little bit. I can carry on like this for a little while and then something will happen inside me. It is like a little pot that goes from boil to simmer and then knows that the contents have cooled and needs the heat to be turned up again.
When this happens I can go one of two ways. Sometimes I feel that we really need to talk and to connect in that way but others I will start to feel a deep need for the physical connection. In these instances I become more extreme and I feel that I need to be broken. The type of play that may have fed the connection previously is suddenly not enough and I need something which overwhelms me more completely. It has to be hard and intense and I have to feel completely vulnerable. It comes from the need to be owned and possessed, used I suppose, but not in a detached sort of way. I want to lose control completely and although that is given by me placing myself in the path of HisLordship, I need it to be taken more forcefully from me.
It can be rough and aggressive but it doesn’t have to be like that. As long as it is completely consuming and I am able to lose myself to it, it can be done in a way which means that I cross boundaries which are uncomfortable for me. Whatever way he chooses to do it will mean that I am forced to connect with that hidden part of myself that only he can see and know. It is about giving in to those things that my mind wrestles with and doesn’t want to acknowledge but it has to be done quickly so that I have no real choice in letting go of all that I am and just becoming what he wants me to be.
It is a strong desire when it comes and one which is hard to ignore. It leaves its imprint and usually feeds the hidden part which then comes back looking for more. I see a pattern in this and see that this craving is fulfilling a purpose. I used to wonder why I sometimes felt the need for these things to be done to me, but I have come to see it more as a need to be overpowered, for the equilibrium to be restored and for both my body and my mind to respond to him in a way which acknowledges the dynamic between us. It isn’t about the sex, for that on it’s own would not be enough; it is about being possessed entirely, giving up every shred of control and being reconnected with the completely submissive part of myself.
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