Recently I have been thinking a lot about my submission and about the type of submissive I am. I seem to travel along quite happily doing my thing and then every so often I will stop to look around and think more deeply about it. This evaluation has always been an important part of my growth. Sometimes it is prompted by a change in circumstances, sometimes by a question someone has asked, or it could be because of something I have read. I think that often all of these parts will work together as the thoughts will go round and round my head and I think and talk and read and mull things over. For me, these periods of reflection are often marked by a shift in thinking and I see them just as part of the learning process, so although I may sound confused, I actually see it as positive thing.
I also can find myself caught between not wanting to use labels to define myself or others as I feel that they can be inflexible at times, and also using them to help me to understand what I am feeling. By making comparisons, I am able to get a better understanding of myself if that makes sense. So while part of me shies away from labels and comparisons, the other part wants to compare myself against some of the them in order to have a better understanding of why I think and feel as I do. This, I think, is why we use labels in society – to lead to an understanding of ourselves and others, and provided this is done in a positive way, I have found it to have a positive benefit.
One of the things that I have been mulling over for a while is the difference between doing things which are submissive and therefore are actions, and being a submissive which is a state of mind where you think and feel differently. I wrote about this in Ahhhhhh! and explained that I felt that having seen the two parts as one and the same had actually made things more complicated for us. I tend to behave submissively when I am engaging with HisLordship. I like doing this. It gives me a focus and a set of expectations which make me feel better about myself and mean that we work more effectively as a team. I like using the rules and rituals that we have to support this submissive behaviour and think that it has really helped us to work together in a complimentary way.
I understand the idea of using triggers to be able to access my submissive space and have thought a lot about those. By separating it out I can see that being submissive is a choice for me, and being a submissive it not. Yes it is a choice to submit to his Dominance but beyond that you enter that space where it is not a conscious thought. I love that space. It is where I feel free and safe and my head is empty of everything except what he puts into it. I feel so light as I am not weighed down by my own thoughts. I am not pulled places where I don’t want to go but can drift wherever he chooses. I feel that we are one. Totally connected and that I have become part of him. I exist for him and only for him. It feels like nothing else and I feel like an other me.
This will last for as long as it lasts, but it will require his continued Dominance for me to remain in this space. Sooner or later I am pulled from that and I return to the rest of my life. When I spoke to furcissy and read his subsequent post on Separating Self and Spaces I had thought that the triggers were about being able to access the submissive space in a sexual way but I now see that it need not be that. It is just about thinking as a submissive and for me that has usually happened during some sort of play. I can see that, were HisLordship to keep me there for longer, it would become about more than that.
I can also now see that there are some submissives out there who are in this mental space all of the time (I think). I have followed DD Jen’s blog for quite a while now and have seen her slip deeper and more consistently into this sort of space. I think that my mistake was in thinking that this would inevitably happen and I can see now that it won’t for me, not at this time anyway. I see relationships where the couple (or throuple as it might be) have protocols in place which mean that the submissive will remain in this space, even when she is not actively engaging with her Dominant. Being able to see that my own circumstances and my own personality do not lend themselves currently to me being this type of submissive has been quite key for me. I am not sure that I was trying to be something I wasn’t, but I think maybe I was waiting to become that thing, without even really knowing what it was.
This has turned into a bit of a ramble and has become overly long, but it does tie up the thoughts that I was having, not just in Ahhhhhh! but also in Finding the Balance. I think that in feeling some of my personality traits were not ‘submissive’ I have not given them the attention that I should have. I have sort of neglected to nurture that side rather than celebrating it. Having personality traits which are not submissive does not make me less of a submissive it just makes me a submissive less of the time. HisLordship can trigger that submissive space in me as and when he chooses, for I have given him the authority to do that in agreeing to follow this dynamic. The reality is that he does not always choose to do that. Sometimes he is happy that I behave submissively towards him and it is enough that I am active in submitting to him.
One of the things that we both have wrestled with is the contrast between how I am at work and how I am at home. One will bleed into the other at times and this is something that we have tried to manage. When I am at work he is happy that I am focussed completely on that. He will text me and I will respond but accepting that I am not really in a submissive space makes it easier to understand why I think and feel differently to when I am at home just with him. Responding as a submissive will not happen to me while I am in that environment. And even when I come home, depending what is in my head and what is required of me, I will take some time (and some Dominance) to adjust.
I have referred to the more alpha parts of my personality before. The desire to feel in control, which I achieve through careful planning, organisation and clear decision making. I don’t necessarily want to lead but I don’t really want to follow anyone else either. I want to go down the path that I believe is best and I have a problem often trusting that others will put the time thought and effort into something that I would. There I have said it – not very submissive after all! I am like this with the things that I believe matter; for me those are not just to do with work but also in terms of my children and even HisLordship. That is not to say that he requires me to protect him (he has plenty strength of his own) but there have been times when outside influences have meant that I have reacted fiercely, and have done just that.
These things come into their own at work. I love my job. I find it greatly rewarding and it is a big part of who I am. I feel that there is a huge responsibility on me but really I thrive on this. I like making my own decisions and setting my own goals and targets. My role is to provide care and nurture and protect but to do that I need to take on those who’s have made this necessary in the first place. One of my primary roles is to work with young people whose well-being has been negatively affected. It is important that I am able to be a champion for them. Yes I need a soft, approachable side so that they can open up to me, but I also need to be able to take on the powers that be and engage their help.
Some of it is about protecting those who are the most vulnerable but this also means that I have to act as a safe-guarder and advocate for them when they are unable to do this for themselves. I am completely focussed and absorbed by what I do when I am at work and the emotional drain on me can be great. Often I will come home still passionately high from the fight or angry at the frustrations of a system that doesn’t allow me to do the best for people. Making the transition is not always easy but I really really need it. For me to be able to be in a relationship where that can all be peeled away and I can be left as the vulnerable submissive at my core, is such a relief.
I used to see it as the two different faces that I wore and I believed that the real me was the submissive part, but I am shifting my thinking in that regard. Even when at home and HisLordship has removed the pressure and stress from my shoulders, I can be quickly pulled back into that frame of mind, so I am learning to embrace that part, for I see that I need her and that Hislordship loves her. So much as I can see I have triggers to access my submissive state, so I have triggers which will activate my other self. If I believe something to be unjust, or someone I love requires help or is threatened, or just if I am needed then this part of me will kick into action, and that is not something that i want to stop.
I suppose it is a shift in focus from thinking submissively to thinking (I am not sure how to put it -ly) but I see now that I do have these two clear states. The rest of the time I can be in a sort of middle space where I am trigger free and just roaming about my own head as I get on with my daily duties. I will behave submissively during this time and will actively engage like this with Sir as that is my nature. I have used my submission to keep a lid on the scary kick-ass part when she is not required and that has made our life together much easier. I have clear duties and responsibilities so living a D/s dynamic has meant that I am more easily contained and can use my strengths in a more positive way.
I suppose I come back to the fact that I am not just a submissive, I am his submissive. I will behave submissively towards him but that is not always my default setting. I do it out of love and trust and for the way it makes me feel and because I have such huge respect for him that I want to submit. There is a thrill in feeling myself melt and fall at his feet and it works for us that we know that this is a choice. I think that I felt uneasy that I had these other parts to my nature that didn’t seem to conflict so I am glad to have been able to pull it all apart. I know that I am a submissive and that there are other people out there like me who will share this same make up. I recently read ‘The Warrior Princess Submissive’ by Michael Makai and I could relate to a lot of what was described there. I am not looking for a label and am content just to be. Although actually – the thought of being a princess……….would I get a crown?
I really enjoyed reading this, missy! It sounds like you have done some very deep thinking on this. A sentence you wrote toward the end, “I am not just a submissive, I am his submissive” is something that I really identify with. I am not submissive in the rest of my life…career, extended family, friends, etc….but I love that I am His submissive. Great post! 🙂
Thank you Nora. I think that sometimes it is hard to get a true impression of people when you are reading just about one side. I would have thought that you were in that submissive space most of the time. I think that has been my problem in terms of perceiving that I was working towards something that may never be a fit for me. Almost like realizing I am traveling towards a slightly different point than I thought I was. Thank you for reading – I know it was very long! ?
What you wrote makes a lot of sense, missy! I agree…it is hard to really get a sense of who someone is through their writing. I am actively working on trying to think more submissively while at home (I follow DDJenny too and she is an inspiration in that department!), but I struggle balancing my work persona (where I very much have to be in charge) with my submissive state in our home.
And…I greatly enjoy reading your blog! It was just the right length:-)
I think that Jenny uses the DD to keep her in that space so that thinking submissively happens naturally. I know that I won’t be able to do what I want to in the rest of my life if I am in that headspace. I think possibly in the future it may come though but it would need a change of circumstances. I think I thought that I would grow towards that but my thinking remains it’s own much of the time lol. I know that it would take continual Dominance to keep me there and that isn’t something that we can embrace at this point. I am enjoying the journey and love what we have as well as loving the other parts of my life so it is working for me right now. ?
As I was reading I was about to suggest you read that book and look, you have! 🙂 I’m reading it now and relating very much to it, almost like a personal description lol
I feel the same way as you do about labels.
It’s interesting to see your evolution. We are all ever evolving. It’s good that you embrace it and not fight it. Be proud of the strong woman that you are! It doesnt make you any less his submissive. He’s proud to have a strong confident women dominating the world who comes home to kneel at his feet. What man wouldn’t feel good about that? 🙂
Not ours anyway lol. The book was quite a revelation and made me feel better about being the way I am. It is hard to get your head around when you think the two parts are opposite – almost like you have to choose one. I am glad that I feel more like I can embrace them both now and see where that takes us. I still need to find out what my ‘white knight’ thinks about it all of course. Thank you for your comment. Shame we are not on the same multi agency team professionally. Imagine what a force we would be! ?
Oh my! We would be a force to be reckoned with for sure! Lol
Fantastic and thought provoking. I think there are many who have this same internal conflict. Their public persona at odds with their private one. Wondering if that makes them less somehow. Instead perhaps by embracing everything you are you are able to give more of yourself to your Sir? Perhaps even that your submission may be more deeply achieved by this acceptance of your whole self.
I also loved that sentence ‘I am not just a submissive, I am his submissive’.
As MrH asks me every day ‘who’s are you?’
Thank you for sharing ?
Thank you sweetgirl. I think that by embracing what I am, he will be able to take more of me. It is odd as I went from seeing myself as one to seeing myself as more discreet parts and an now coming back to see myself more as one again. If you are able to relate on a personal level then I would recommend the book. It validates a lot of those feelings that have confused me and I have tried to either tackle or push away. I think when we start this journey we can have an idea of what sort of submissive we will be and what sort of Dominant our Sir will be, but in reality you will both evolve over time, find your balance and hopefully be the right submissive and Dominant for each other. ?
I will definitely look at reading the book, thank you. I think it’s only natural that we build a mental image, in those early days, and try to extrapolate from what we have read or imagine, exactly how the future D/s relationship will play out. I know from my own experience I imagined MrH would immediately take command, he would issue me with direction and control my behaviour all the time, I would be told what to wear, what to eat, and any cheekiness/disobedience would be dealt with by a swift spanking that would feel amazing etc …. I had to adjust my expectations pretty quickly and accept that I had asked MrH to take control, that meant I had to stop trying to be in control. I had to stop trying to get him to behave how I thought he should, and accept that our journey would, from here follow the path he chose.
I now realise that I have given him my submission and I am learning to be his submissive, just as he is learning to be my dominant. I look forward to our continued journey together. Thanks again for sharing.
You are welcome and thank you for your response.
It looks like your understanding of your “edges” of your spaces is starting to come together Missy.
There are so many moving parts that it can get cloudy. The more you get them figured out, the easier it is to be able to reach the states you want to be in.
It is also important to remember the things that drew him to you pre-D/s. I’m sure many of those reside in your non-submissive side, and so that side is definitely just as important as the submissive one.
Yes that is important too. I think I have always been aware that we don’t want to lose what drew is together. We are HisLorship and missy but we are still P and E. ?
Oh and thank you for talking it all through with me and listening to me ramble on ❤️
My little warrior!
Well done ma’am.
Thank you. ?
Missy the submissive warrior princess! I like it. And I think it entirely natural to only be submissive to one person—I am only submissive to my Queen.
Thank you. You might relate to the book too. He is careful to say that although he calls ‘her’ a ‘princess’ for the purpose of the book, this type is male or female. ?
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I too loved the post. I’m struggling with the book though, or rather the author. I read most of the book, bonded with it well and feel known and justified in it’s words. Then I found out the author is a convicted child predator. In the first case, he please down and got off. In the second he served prison time. It’s easy to find on the internet if you search his name.
I haven’t read it again since. Before this I was ready to buy his other books, and recommended Warrior Princess to others. In chair nine he spoke about the high value of morals a Warrior Princess needs around her. This is me. But now, I feel turn. I was getting do much or if his writing, and don’t see an alternative book to his first, covering the basics.
Did you know this about him? Would you read it and support his books anyway, knowing?
Hi Minnie. I do know about him and have added that I feel awkward mentioning it since. I didn’t know when I read the book or when I wrote this post. I still feel what he says makes some sense and it certainly helped me as I had been around people who made me feel that you had to be one way. But I don’t like what he did and I do feel uncomfortable about it. ?
Hi missy. thank you for sharing this excellent and thought-provoking post. It is always a little bit of a struggle to figure out whether we even belong in a particular box, and a big part of me wonders whether the type of submissive I am is dictated in part by the Domme I serve. The first time we met I asked her to guide me, and to mould me into the kind of submissive she would wish to own and play with, and to not accept anything less. I didn’t want to be “my” submissive, I wanted to be “her” submissive. Somewhere early on she used the word “slave” one evening, not addressed at me, just talking…and that word just stuck in me, bouncing around, and I realised that “slave” is the direction I am heading in. To become someone’s slave requires incredible trust, but also being able to adapt to the Dommes life in ways that are of value to Her…and that is what I am trying to do. It may take several years, but we will take things one step at a time and see where it leads. It is always really helpful to hear the voices of other subs on here, thanks for drawing so many out of the woodwork.
I think that you are so right in that we need to be the right submissive for our Dom/me. I am glad that slave is something you feel encapsulates your submissive nature as that is a big part of finding your way I think. Missy x