What is D/s

What I wanted from D/s

HisLordship asked me the other day, why I had wanted D/s – in the beginning that is. This was actually something that I had been meaning to write about, somewhere in between my last few posts but time has not been my friend recently. I suppose it relates a bit to my last post where I wrote about the need to achieve a balance in your relationship which works for both of you. That involves being able to use your strengths while also being supported in the areas that are harder. This balance has to be achieved in the bedroom but also in the other areas of your relationship and I think that, really, was what initially attracted me to the idea of a Dominant submissive marriage.

When we first met, Sir pursued me quite persistently. He seemed both enchanted and admiring at the same time. Despite coming after me in such a determined way, he also seemed to believe that I was unattainable to him. He was very open about how he felt and expressed himself with a self-confidence which somehow contrasted to his words. He was commanding, decisive and self-assured, and yet I noticed that he shook, physically when his body was in close proximity to mine. He had seen me and known that he wanted me, whereas I was caught up in the minutia of my life and pretty much blind to what was in front of me. I actually fought his attentions for a while, but he created my desire for him, and as that grew, so my resistance to him waned.

Feeling that I may not ready for something serious he offered something that would focus on fun and not a lasting commitment. I remember telling him that would not happen with me. I told him that if we got together we would fall in deep. I said that I would not be able to do superficial and that I needed to become completely involved and that would pull him in too. I asked him to think about what he wanted, as I would need his heart and his head and all of him. In return he would get all of me and a relationship that was all consuming.  I am not sure whether or not he believed me – his confidence was not an act – but he seemed initially surprised that I had said it and then continued as before.

From there we learnt more about each other and began to develop a really close emotional connection. The physical attraction was tangible and it bubbled away under the surface. Even when we started to explore that part, it continued to boil away, never quite being satisfied. We were desperate for each other. We spoke all the time, we thought about each other constantly and we burnt for each other, no matter how much time we had together. There was a mutual all consuming desire for each other that drew us into something much greater than the sum of both our parts. It was something that I knew I could not walk away from, no matter how hard it was to be together, as I would likely never find it again.

Although I was careful to protect myself and keep my independence, I began to be more open and began to turn to him for support. He made me feel safe and sexy and wanted in a way that I had never been before. It was intense and intimate and I wanted more. We talked about lots of things but when we talked about the sexual side he was open about his ideas, his fantasies and his desires. He asked me about mine and we had a lot in common. We wanted the same things, and they were kinky and forbidden and were things that neither of us had been allowed before. Having talking about much of this through the anonymity of text, he brought it to reality when we were together. He lead us down a long kinky rabbit hole, and taking his hand willingly I let him pull me further in.

After these encounters I would burn for him in an even more heated way. It felt like a need to be inside him and be part of what we were together again. It felt obsessive, like he had some sort of control over me that I could do nothing about. So although I knew how much he wanted me, I also knew that he was able to make me need him in a way that I did not understand but wanted to submit to. It was as if we were bound together by some sort of secret connection that we couldn’t explain. It would fade a bit between these encounters of course but the memory was always there and the feeling that this was only just the beginning meant that there was no way I was going to pull away, whatever the cost.

This was the start of our relationship, not the start of our D/s relationship. But these were  the basis of the reasons that I wanted one. As time moved on and we moved in together we became more familiar with each other. We had a policy of always meeting the other’s needs and communicating openly about that and we pretty much stuck to it, but somehow life began to take over. Where we had been the focus at the beginning, the practicalities seemed to become more important and take our attention. While sex was still great, we didn’t ravish each other in quite the same desperate way that we had and we were a bit less adventurous than we had been at the start, sticking with the things that worked more times than those when we tried something new.

I also felt myself starting to behave in ways which would sometimes be counter productive to the person who he had shown himself to be. As an independent woman with three young kids, his alpha type characteristics would not always fall in with mine in a complimentary way.  I could sense him giving in to my strong nature and when things came to a discussion it was my way which we would end up taking. This was not helpful to the dynamic between us and when I stumbled upon the idea of D/s it all made sense.  I was happy to be responsible for the family, the home and to take the lead at work, but the way it affected us meant that we didn’t spark off each other sexually in quite the same way that we had.

I recognised my personality as being sexually submissive and his as being Dominant and so I thought that it was something that would work for us. The thought of him taking the lead and controlling me like that was hot as hell and I got easily turned on just thinking about it. We decided to give it a go and it worked to an extent, but each time that the practicalities and stress of life got in the way it would impact on us. I found it hard to switch from my regular life where I took control to my submissive role where I handed it over to him without question, and this caused me some inner wrestling which was evident to him. In turn this put him off a bit and affected his confidence in playing his part so we dipped in and out for a few years. I came to the conclusion that for it to work I would have to be in a more submissive state of mind more of the time so that I could slip more easily in and out of my roles and so, just over three years ago, we made a formal commitment to make a 24/7 dynamic work.

I saw the rules and the structure as a way to keep me in a place where I could submit to him and we could both play to our strengths.  I thought that the power exchange would keep the fire, the passion and the sexual exploration as a key part of our marriage. I believed that having clearly defined roles would take us away from the power struggles that spoiled things and allow us to work together more harmoniously. I could be strong in the areas where we felt that it was important I did so and I could take a back seat and let him have a real place in the home. We had always been respectful and communicated well but I saw the formalisation of this as having a positive effect on our relationship and giving us a structure that we could fall back on and would support us.

What I didn’t plan for was the intimacy and the intensity that would be created through living this dynamic. I had always thought that I was too much for anyone to manage. I wanted to give myself completely in all ways, but I needed to trust that my counterpart would do the same. I knew that with Sir it this was always closer than it had been with other people but the level which we have achieved was not something I had anticipated. I believe that the alpha parts of my personality can make it hard for a relationship to feel equal. Without intending to, I worry that I will end up emasculating someone who is not strong enough to challenge me on this and that usually means that I am destroying the very thing that has attracted me to them in the first place.

In all honesty, I thought that D/s would be able to give us the whip that HisLordship needed to be able crack to keep me where I knew that I needed to be. I wanted the kinky sex that I had read about in books of course and I think that was a huge attraction for him, but what I needed was the dynamic that would allow me to fully pursue it and to find a balance and equilibrium that would keep us moving forward, tightly knitted together. I wasn’t sure that a D/s dynamic would give me all of that, but looked in terms of the bare facts, it should be able to.

Of course bare facts are factual and people, even bare ones, are far more complex than that. What you read about in books is fiction and I was not naive enough to think that it would be as easy as it sounded. Just as well really as it hasn’t been. Where I have gained things from the dynamic which I never would have dreamed were possible or attainable for me, it has been much harder work than we would have thought. But as I have said before, I see it as a journey as I know that I am only part way along the road that we are travelling. I learn things all the time about myself, as a person and as a submissive, and the self discovery continues to be a key part.

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , .


    • Thank you so much. What a lovely thing to say. I definitely feel that I still have such a lot to learn and am really positive about that ?

  1. Wow – I can see many of my own thoughts, experiences and hopes in your story. These men really do take us by the hand an lead our hearts and minds into the most delicious places. I am at the very start and look forward to the journey that MrH and I will have together. Thank you for sharing ?

  2. That is a very well articulated article on the subject. I first discovered BDSM many years ago through magazines. I then progressed to the internet videos, I am just now getting to read what true D/s looks like. Posts like this really helps me both shed light on ideas I have not thought of and validates those I have. Thank you. I look forward to reading more of your writing.

    • Thank you so much for commenting Whirled Peas. I, like you, find this a continual voyage of self discovery and am learning from people all the time. I really think that there is no such thing as ‘true D/s’ as it is about what works for you. I would consider mine to be true for me and my Sir but it looks very different to some other dynamics. I think that is important to remember as you can feel sometimes that you are ‘doing it wrong’ when in actual fact you are just doing it in a way which fits your relationship and lifestyle. 🙂

  3. A truly brilliant essay, missy. One of your best. A succinct synopsis of your journey to and through D/s, written in a manner that is understated and yet, a bold declaration that being submissive — HL’s submissive — was worth all the struggles that came before.

    • Thank you LS. I really feel like I am on a bit of a trail of self discovery at the moment. There are lots of thoughts whizzing around my head and I am trying to work out how it all fits to me. Sometimes the direction you are going turns out to be taking you to a different place than you thought it would do in the beginning.

  4. I’m just starting out on this journey with my beautiful wife – and you’re right, it’s easy to write what you want on a page, to agree some basics, but to live it is a lot harder. Day to day life kicks in, drudgery and tiredness. But it’s worth it…you mention intimacy – thats much easier if you acknowledge who you really are in the relationship dynamic..

    • Thank you Charlie. I find that we are always learning and growing in this relationship and that is one of the things that I love about it. I wish you and your wife all the best and look forward to hearing how your journey goes 🙂

  5. Thank you Missy. This is just what I needed this morning (I’m a little behind on my reading lol).
    Everyone in my life has always said I’m “too much” (think Bette Midler in Beaches) and eventually it’s driven them away.
    All I’ve ever been looking for is someone strong enough and confident enough to put me in my place without putting me down. I needed someone to need me. Not for what I can do for them (in the bedroom or the boardroom), but for who I am.
    If you don’t mind I’m going to send this to Daddy. Because you said it all better than I’ve been able to.

    • You are quiet welcome and I am glad that it made sense to you. I think there are a lot of us who are strong and need to be ‘handled’. Reading The Warrior Princess Submissive made me feel like actually I may be able embrace some of the parts that I had been struggling to make sense of.

  6. I loved reading this Missy! I really sense your strength coming through in this piece.
    Sometimes I wish that I was this strong. But even if I could be one day, would I really want to? I don’t know.
    Thanks for sharing your story! ☺️

    • I guess we are all different and the important thing is a marriage is that you find a balance that suits the both of you so that you can both play to your strengths, support each other and work well together. I think strengths takes a lot of different forms and I see a real strength in you too ?

  7. Pingback: Head, Humiliation and Happy Ever Afters – submissy

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