light-bulb moments


I feel like I have had one of those great light-bulb moments of enlightenment about my submission, HisLordships’s Dominance and how that works within our D/s relationship. How has this come about three years down the road? Like most things really. By chance, by being open to new things, by looking and listening, and by having the desire always to be learning. This desire to learn comes particularly for me in terms of my D/s as that is important to me. I also have a desire to learn about people, about how minds work and about how you can shift your thinking in order to change your own reality. These are things that interest me of course and I have less desire to learn about things which don’t – how to use SEO for example – although where there is a need, purpose or gain there is a motivation.

Anyway, I digress from my discovery. It came really from chatting to furcissy while at The SafeworD/s Club. He has since written a post about it, Separating Self and Spaces, which explains it far better than I can here. Suffice to say that I have realised that in trying to live a D/s dynamic, I have allowed the various parts of me to become too entangled so that the submission is not a discreet thing, but runs through the various faces that I have. I had thought that this was really the way that would work for me and to some extent it has but I can see now, the advantage of being aware of the things that will put me into that submissive head-space.

Furcissy writes about the difference between doing things which are submissive and therefore are actions, and being a submissive which is a state of mind where you think and feel differently. This makes sense to me and I see now that I have not separated the two. In fact what I have done is to try to use one, acts of submission, to make me think and feel as the other, a submissive. For many of you this may not apply and perhaps I was struggling along in the dark somewhat but I see that HisLordship and I have not really made things easy for ourselves in this way. We have spoken of feeding our dynamic through these acts of Dominance and submission, but that has not always meant that it became easier to do. Sometimes it has been hard to find that space with everything else going on.

I am finding it helpful to view my submission, and my submissive in these terms. I think that I have relied too much on trying to get myself into that head space and expecting that after a time, it will just happen. Actually, time and practise makes much less difference to being able to tap into it than the outside influences which pull against it do. I will find myself caught up in an everyday task, or lost in the complex mass of thoughts that continually spin around my head, and when I am suddenly required to respond in a submissive way, this does not always happen naturally. I have learnt to manage this of course and outwardly I may jump to it, but in my head I do not necessarily feel that it is what I want to do. This has confused me and I have wondered when, if ever, this sort of thinking will come to me.

Furcissy also talks in his post about triggers – the things that you do to slip into your submissive space. The idea of triggers for that space makes a lot of sense to me and in thinking about those, I do have a clearer idea of what mine are and I have tried to explain then to HisLordship. Making them visible to him so that he can use them to control my responses is the part that I think we have been missing somehow. I think that this is partly because I have been embarrassed and while these are the things that help me to reach this mental state, they are also things that I don’t want to have to acknowledge myself. I guess it is another step towards making myself more vulnerable by exposing some of my insecurities.

Finding out what triggers each other is something that I think that we will spend some time on and it will be interesting to see how it works in practice. I still want to concentrate on behaving in a submissive way as this has become and important part of how we work and we have our rules and ritual to help us with that. I think that our structure is good and it is working well but I do think that being more aware of how we both work will help us to take things to a different level. I sort of feel like how come I missed this, but sometimes I suppose it takes someone else to help us to see what was under our noses all along.  Thank you furcissy!

Posted in Building a D/s Dynamic and tagged , , .


  1. I’ve had the same “ah-ha!” moments the past few days as well, from furcissy’s posts and convos! It’s helped tremendously with figuring out what goes on internally and how that can be enhanced. I’m astounded at the revelations. ☺️

  2. Seems like many of us are on a path of self discovery these days.
    Furcissy has been very helpful to me as well. The idea of triggers really resonated. It was an a-ha moment for me.

    • I think that we are continually discovering more about ourselves. Well if you are open and are looking that is. I have found this whole process to be one where I have learnt constantly about myself and about Sir and how we work together. Each bump in the road is a learning opportunity as well as these lightbulb times where I read something or hear something and see how that can apply to me or to us. I am happy that is something that I think will continue as it is something that really interests me, as well as feeling it is beneficial. ?

  3. Thank you for the feedback, Missy.
    I like to look at D/s as a symbiotic system where each part feeds the other. Also, my submissive persona is so different from my vanilla persona, which is quite alpha. The process of shifting from one space to the other is always something that has fascinated me, especially because I was uncomfortable with my submissive self.
    What I realized is that when you are in your submissive mental space, you pretty much become a different person with different priorities, values, and feelings. Recognizing this, it makes a lot more sense. “I’m not feeling submissive right now” = I am not in my submissive mental space. Knowing your triggers and being able to force yourself (or be forced) into subspace helps a lot in smoothing out lifestyle dynamics, especially when you are forced to shift back and forth repeatedly.
    Take care.

    • I think that my two parts are less different to each other so it has probably been easier for me to mask the difference and I have been able to slip more slowly into the space through the acts of submission. Having said that, it has not always worked and the depth of feeling has not always come along with the action. I think that knowing the triggers will be a huge help in controlling it (well being controlled in it).

      • I do think we naturally find ways to make this happen as best as possible, even without thinking about it. There are times when it can work really well. There are times when you are just not in the mood, yet the expectation is still there. Going through the motions feels bad for both parties, and a dominant can feel helpless from it at times. e.g. they may think, “what the hell? This usually works…” They are then faced with the dilemma of pushing you farther or backing off, and someone with less experience may not have the ability to read or react correctly.
        This can also generate a negative feedback loop/shame spiral in you. You are disappointed in yourself for not reacting the way that he wanted to and not reacting the way you wanted to. It makes you feel bad, makes you harder to get into the good mental space, which makes you feel bad… repeat.
        Knowledge of the core of what is going on can just make things easier emotionally for everyone 🙂
        Also many submissive acts serve as small triggers. There are ones that will be big triggers as well. I hope you are able to find yours and communicate them.
        Take care.

  4. Pingback: How Submissive Mental Space Works – Femdom Ramblings from a submissive male

  5. A most interesting analysis of the dichotomy between one persona and another and the conflict resolution required to live a ” ballanced” life between sub and dom in that persona which occupies you in the moment……David

  6. Pingback: My submission, His submissive, and the other kick-ass part that I don’t talk about | submissy

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