I mentioned in my last post the reasons why we decided to begin a D/s relationship which made me reflect. Reading back over my post Two Years of submission where I wrote about where we had come in the first two years made me think about this third year. Because the changes in a relationship and in yourself happen gradually, you are not always aware of how significant they are, but when I look at where I stand now, I can see that things have changed quite considerably this year, for me and for HisLordship and for us.
I think that this year, we have both been much more confident about our relationship and our individual roles within it. It no longer feels like something we do but something that we are. Initially I think that felt a bit strange as the focus that was on keeping it going was relaxed a bit but we settled into the comfortable fit that is has become. It is no longer a struggle or an effort but something which we just do. I suppose that this has come in part from people close to us accepting it is how we are. Perhaps they no longer see big changes, and I suppose neither do we.
Things have developed as we have grown over time and there are things that we have added to keep us moving forward, but they are much more subtle than the changes that took place at the start. We are a close family, but as the D/s has become a more integrated part of our life, it has become part of the expectations that the children have over how we manage things. Some of our behaviours are reflected in them, some, obviously, are not but it feels more normal to be doing what we do.
I guess this left us with a bit of a feeling that we needed to do more, but quite what that more was, we didn’t really know. I think that ultimately this past year has taken us deeper; deeper into the elements of play that we wanted to explore further and deeper into our roles as submissive and Dominant. Initially there was the excitement and rush to try a little bit of everything, but the past while has given us time to really develop what we have started.
I suppose we have also been more confident in ‘spring cleaning’ our D/s and getting rid of the things that we thought we needed or were told we should do, and didn’t need or want. We looked at what had become part of our daily lifestyle and routine and so just was, what was not used or was surplus and we discarded it, and what we felt was important and wanted to spend more time on. I think that what we are left with is a much more fine tuned, slimmed down version of a dynamic that is ours, and increasingly becomes so.
I have stopped comparing us and myself to some sort of ideal and am more interested in sharing ideas and discussing with others. We have made a clear break from those who preach the one true way and have created our own community where there are a variety of ways and experiences and personalities; we all come from different vantage points but have an equal desire to learn and support others. I feel no sense of competition, no need to prove myself or fit my submission and our D/s into a particular branded box as it speaks for itself, and that has been a much more comfortable place to be than in year one where it was too prescriptive. In year two we found our own way and in year three we have been able to concentrate on sharing and enjoying that.
The SafeworD/s Club has been good for us. It has allowed us to talk to others again and to build on the skills and experience we have. The discussion often makes me think about things differently and it challenges my thinking. As a teacher I know that when you think you have learnt something, the test is in being able to explain it to others in a way which they understand. I learn through speaking to new Dominants and submissives as much as I do in chatting with those who are more experienced and having that outlet (and inlet) has been good for both Sir and myself.
It has been good to be able to go deeper into some of the areas of play that we wanted to explore. I think that I have had a need for more which has been reflected in posts such as A need to be used and Being nothing and have also accepted and embraced my desire for Humiliation. This has led us to explore more of the psychological side of sex and to delve a bit further into where exploring that part will take us. At the same time we have tried to build in more regular routines, for example our Wednesday cane session, which helps to keep our mindsets and the power exchange between us evident.
I have made no secret of the fact that we have had a pretty shit year this past year and that has affected us. I think that in extended periods when you are finding things hard, you sort of adjust your emotions to cope and this has meant that although we were better placed to manage the emotions of the lows, the highs no longer had as much of an impact on us either. Our lives have changed in a number of ways and the D/s has certainly allowed us to cope with that. We had to use all of the tools and tricks that we knew in order to keep ourselves as the focus at the centre and were lucky to have the dynamic to support us. The difficulties we experienced this past while have brought us even closer together, but it is not something that I would have chosen and it has had a impact on us individually, as well as on our shared life together.
Saying that, I do think that we have found our groove; at times it has been a case of feeling that we were treading water and just sustaining what we had, while at others there has been increased energy and a push for more. HisLordship has taken more control and has asserted his Dominance over me more this past year than ever before. We have looked at how things are and have met our desire to keep moving by the introduction of new rules, making discipline and punishment a bigger part of our dynamic than it was before. This was in response to that fact that the changes in our behaviours had become so much part of us that they were easily sustained and we felt that we were at a point to take it further.
In terms of my own submission, I feel that the reflection I have done has helped me to grow more than I did in the first year or so really. The initial feeling of finding a shiny new badge to wear has worn off and it become more an integral part of who I am. It has made me think and I have begin to question things which I would have accepted before. I have stopped trying to be something and seek approval for that and have rested back into what I am and I feel much better for that. I have become more aware of the various parts of my personality and how they can fit with my submission. This includes things such as service, embracing my ‘middle’, and accountability.
Of course there is a lot more that I would like to explore and I want to feel always that we are growing in this, but the haste to taste it all is gone and I am content to move things slowly, enjoying it as we go. I feel safe, I feel loved, I feel wanted and desired and I hope that my submission to Sir makes him feel all of those things too. It has been scary at times to give up more control but the rewards of that have paid off. I think that as a couple it has had a huge effect and it has given me a sense of calm and contemplation that I could not sustain for long before. I feel relaxed and confident in my submission; I feel that I question it much less than I did and it has become a more natural part of who I am.