I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
This poem has always summed up how I feel about what HisLordship and I share. I try so hard to express what it is but there are so many facets to how I feel that it is impossible to really capture it as this poem does for me. It was one of the readings at our wedding ceremony and when I told my sister that we had chosen it and she was concerned that it was a bit suggestive. She said that the reference to loving in secret seemed wrong and that we should be out in the open. For me, I feel that you can only truly love or be loved if you have acknowledged that darkness and embraced it. I think she would have been happier if I had seen our love as the salt rose or the topaz, but the dark thing living in between the shadow and the soul was not up her street. Never mind, one man’s pain is another man’s pleasure and all of that.
I love the darkness in Sir and also that darkness in me. It is something that I have come to see as a positive and I explored that a little bit in my recent post, Darkness. The idea of what we have lurking ‘between the shadow and the soul’ seems to fit for us because it is hidden from everyone else and even not completely visible to us, but it conveys the depth that it has and the huge part of us that it is. It is not that our love must be secret, but more that part of us which is secret and still a bit unknown. It is so difficult to explain and put into words as it is a sort of charge. You can feel it, a bit like an electric connection which runs between you and won’t be ignored.
Because it is not something that can be seen by others but it is tangible to us, the ‘flower that never blooms’ but ‘carries the light of hidden flowers’ seems apt. Although our love for one another is very visible to those who meet us and the closeness that we have has been commented on a number of times, I don’t think people understand the connection we have, not would we particularly want them to. It works to have that secret part just for us (and our friends on the www of course!) In my relationship with HisLordship, I have found the intensity and the intimacy that I always craved and never thought possible and that is what, I believe, gives it the solidity and the depth. The reference to the earth seems fitting too as I think that together we tap in to the very heart of the people we are.
Understanding and explaining what it is that we share together is never easy; it is certainly love and it has a depth to it that I have not encountered in other relationships. There is a clear structure to it which is provided by the D/s but it is built around the idea that all needs should be met and that is a pretty simple premise really. We started out with that as a key desire, even before we began to explore the Dominance and submission, which was an easy fit for us as so much of it was there in what we had already. From the very beginning we brought something out in each other which meant that the elements were there, if not the formality.
I really feel that Sir found me because previously I had been lost. He saw me and that meant that I began to see myself again and to find the person who had become buried under the events of life. But in finding each other, we have managed to become one so I do feel that the me who was, has become much more a part of us as a couple. I not only want him, I need him. I don’t mean that I need him for my basic survival, but more that I need him to be me. The person that I have become relies on what we have together so the idea where ‘I does not exist, not you,’ seems to encapsulate how we have grown together. It does feel to me as if we are ‘so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.’
I know that there are many couples who have found D/s as a way to get their marriage back to being what it once was and to rekindle the intimacy and the attraction. As a second time around couple, we have not come to it from that point. We had no long established bad behaviours or habits to break with each other, we had not drifted from how we wanted to be. We had certainly made mistakes in our previous marriages and we had learnt from that. When we met, 10 years ago, we felt instantly that there were things we could have with one another that we had not been able to have before and I think that we both felt that was something we wanted to explore.
I will not say that what we had was D/s because that is not the case. What we had were the elements that I have written about here in this post and they have lent themselves well to the dynamic that we later found. Five years ago I realised that I was submissive and thought that it would be a way to give what we already had a structure, so that it would be less affected by the demands that were on us and make sure that we could sustain the reality of us being at the centre. We sort of dipped in and out a bit as we found it hard to sustain initially, but we made a formal commitment to it three years ago.
Building a D/s dynamic has made it all much easier to keep the elements that we felt were important to us at the fore, but it has also allowed things to develop in a way that it may not have otherwise. We have been able to grow together and deepen the close connection that we have. We have certainly been able to explore the kinky side of our relationship and to have the freedom and the confidence to take that wherever it goes. We have found a balance between having time for us and time for the other things that we have in our life and we have been able to make that time work so that we maintain a close connection.