When your Dom is struggling

A Dom in D/stress – what can you do when your Dom is struggling

I always love getting comments on what I write and on, A hard day made better, Sayyid’s Girl had asked if I could write about what happens when your husband has a bad or stressful day. I think that this is something that I have alluded to in a number of my posts, especially the ones about Active Submission and that is really what I would suggest, but sometimes it is harder than that. I think that what you do has to be tailored to suit the situation that has occurred, but having had a period where things have been quite stressful, especially for HL, I thought that I could probably give a bit more in the way of specific examples of what you can do when your Dom is struggling.

In his post, Loss of employment-dominance and submission, HisLordship was pretty open about what happened to him. Of course he wrote this, on reflection, in January 2017. In actual fact the whole process had begun in the November of 2015. First of all he went through the ‘your position is at risk’ scenario only to be told that he would be in another role, and then later the same thing happened again, but with the difference that the second time there was no saving. The whole process was handled particularly badly and it left him feeling pretty lost for a time.

In terms of managing his stress, I suppose the main thing that I did was to cling on to my submission. It was hard as sometimes it seemed that I was sort of self-regulating, which I can’t say didn’t leave me with doubts. But when I spoke with him about it, he always reassured me that he wanted to continue with the D/s and didn’t want to take a break.  I did feel bad as I know what effort it takes to be Dominant and I worried that I was adding pressure so I tried to do things which were submissive and would allow him to respond in a Dominant way, rather than waiting for him to tell me what to do. Obviously there are ups and downs with these things and sometimes he would be back on a roll but I know that it was difficult for him to sustain.

This is the brilliant thing about D/s. If one of you is able to give a bit less to it for a while, as long as the other continues to keep in the right mindset, you sort of pull each other back. Saying that, we did have to talk a lot. We also put things in place that would help our new routine. Suddenly HL was at home all day and I was the one going out to work as the main breadwinner so we had to work a bit to get our heads around that. Having a structure that would allow him to remain as the leader and me to follow was essential. So I had to give up some of the duties and responsibilities that I had around the house and adapt to the changes in the same way that he had to.

One of the things we did was to sit down and talk about how he was feeling. We then tried to put into place things that would compensate for some of the losses he felt. A loss of control was one of those things and I thought that would be easy to solve seeing as “I’m a sure thing”.  I had to keep reminding HisLordship of this and reassuring him of it too. He says himself that he felt that he had been ‘kicked in the balls’ so his balls needed to be handled with care, bruised as they were, but I didn’t want him to give them up as damaged!

It was a fine line and I would say that sometimes I got it right and sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I felt that we were invincible and we had come out of the situation pretty unscathed, and sometimes I wanted my life back. Such is the adjustment to something new and different that you didn’t want or plan for or ask for. Nonetheless it comes and is there and you just have to get on with it.

I think that really the D/s saved us. Saving us is probably a bit extreme as we weren’t actually in danger, us but it certainly helped. I really fell back on it. The structure meant that we had to do those things that we needed to be doing. It meant we talked, it meant we focussed on one another’s needs, it meant that we kept each other at the centre and didn’t allow events to overtake us. The D/s was what he had. We still had the intimacy and the closeness. We still had an amazing relationship and a steamy sex life. In fact, after a time I could see people wondering why we were so happy and still seemed to be ok.

The big part for me was keeping going, never losing site of who I was. I surrounded myself with people who would reinforce that for me when I had moments of doubt and that was a huge help. I stuck to the rules and rituals we had put in place whether they were followed up or not as they made me who I was, for HL as well as for me. Behind the scenes of course things haven’t been as easy but they have been much easier than they would have been without the support of this dynamic. In my opinion it gave HL an easy route to find the things within him that he felt he had lost. And the way he is with me, gave me reassurance that I still had all of the things that I could have felt life had taken from me.

So to answer SG’s question, after my long detour, what can you do when your Dom has a bad day? You can remain submissive. You can fall back on the structure and routine that the dynamic provides. You can use all of the submissive tools that you have to let him know that he is needed and wanted and desired. You can show him that he is supported by you and you can remind him that you are a couple and that you are in this together. When he is lost, you can show him who he is, and when he wonders if he can still be in control you can place yourself if his hand. You can be what he needs, whether he has the strength to ask for it or not.

I know that these are general things but the specifics need to be your own as they need to fit the situation. To say try this or try that would not meet the needs of the individual and that is what this is about. When HL sets out to fix me he does not use an all purpose glue. He uses a glue which he thinks, in his experience, will do the job and I have to do the same with him. When you have lived together for years and know each other well this is not so very hard to do. You may not always get it right, but in a relationship where there is love and understanding and a desire to put each other first, it is hard to mess it up completely as long as you are trying your best.

Posted in Submissive Journal and tagged , , , , .


  1. Picture a group of runners single file. The tendency is for the fastest to slowly outpace the slowest. In an “Indian Run” you maintain spacing. The last runner speeds up to take the lead. Once they assume the lead, the person who just fell to the rear runs to the front. Each runner expends themselves in turn within this “running circle” of sorts. By doing so they all benefit and they all arrive together.
    Overlay that onto relationships and the events you wrote of. Sounds like y’all were able to stay together, work together and arrive together. You might have been tested or tired but you were together.
    Worth pondering.

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