This Thing We Are

“I love you
I posted yesterday about Service. I explained that I’d had a bit of a light-bulb moment regarding the role that service could play in my relationship with HisLordship. Reading the book ‘Real Service’ was enlightening because it presented an alternative view to the one often portrayed in fiction as to what a full-time D/s relationship will look like. I have thought a bit more about the fact that I had not seen this before and have come to the conclusion that it may be because of my motivations for entering this sort of dynamic.
I have a number of submissive friends who would describe their dynamic as more Master/slave. Some of them also identify as having more of a Domestic Discipline slant. I have definitely noticed that these submissives tend to be more service based in their mindset than I have ever been. I have even had conversations about the role of completing domestic tasks, and issuing of punishments for such things and had never understood what the appeal really was. I dismissed it as being not my thing I suppose – incidentally that has led me to another ramble on labels which will form a separate post! I also follow and read a number of blogs about submissive journeys, some of which have started as DD and some as D/s.
I think that my motivation for looking for a power exchange dynamic is quite different to some of theirs. It relates I suppose to the quotation above which I would now apply to myself. D/s has changed me. Through it, my relationship with Sir has allowed me to become a better person, a person who I like more and who I think he prefers too!. I certainly appreciate the support that he has been in helping me to become that person. That, however, was not what initially appealed to me. It was not the fact that I could become better, but more the idea that we could become better. I suppose it was driven by the fairy-tale, the happily ever after, and that is quite a different motivation than for some of the submissives who started out by looking for personal improvement.
Looking at it now, I wonder if that is why I had not identified with the service role. It was not really about me being a better person or doing things in a better way, it was about finding the excitement and the passion and being able to achieve that intimacy and intensity that I had always wanted. What I do find interesting is that many of those who start off initially looking to improve themselves or their behaviour, seem to end up with the level of intimacy with their partner that drives them to explore the sexual side as part of it, when that was not necessarily the intention. The control that they asked for initially as a focus for the domestic, creeps into the bedroom in the same way that mine has crept out.
For a long time now, I have felt that D/s has made me the person I wanted to be, but I did not realise at the start that would happen. It has come along for me as a by-product of what I was hoping to achieve, which was really to allow the physical side of our relationship to grow. I suppose that you identify with some parts of the role, but without really having experienced it you don’t know where it will take you or how it will feel. I also didn’t realise the way that it would change me as well as us, about how once given space, it would continue to grow and have a positive impact on other areas of our relationship.
Of course I am not saying that everyone who is DD will take on elements of D/s or vice versa as I know that is not the case. I just think that once you are open to things moving in a certain direction, they can surprise you. Looking back to 4 or 5 years ago, I would not expect to be where I am today and the way we do things has changed a considerable amount. Whether this can be seen by others or not is not the point as it can be felt by us in quite a key way. At the beginning I saw this as This-Thing-We-Do and for a while I would probably have explained it in those terms to others. The things that we did that other people didn’t, with much of the emphasis being on the sexual things. It then changed to being more about the way we organised and structured our relationship once we moved things out of the bedroom and committed to a 24/7 style dynamic.
However, rather that TTWD, I know see it more as This-Thing-We-Are (TTWA – not sure that will catch on). It isn’t something we are ‘doing’ it is just something we ‘are’ now. It is part of both of us and it is part of our relationship. It isn’t about the ‘things’ that we do but more about the way we think and the way we feel and that is a pretty huge shift for us. Although I have these light-bulb moments when I can feel myself say – AHHHHHH! Suddenly that makes sense – it hasn’t happened in any sort of sudden way really. Life has changed gradually and subtly, we have changed gradually and subtly, it just seems to be at certain points that I can suddenly see the shift.
So to anyone else motivated by the fairy-tale, it doesn’t work like that. Cinderella made herself very happy doing the chores before she was noticed by the prince. I don’t mean to put anyone off who does have that motivation of course as it has worked for me just perfectly. What I do mean is that following those who seem to sell paradise in rather beautiful but vague terms, rather than those who will give you practical and real world examples of how things will work, can leave you searching for something you may never find, rather than building your own happy ending. 

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , .


  1. You can’t pick up one end of the stick without picking up the other. Visit any DD forum and you’ll find threads asking “Am I supposed to feel this horny all the time?” It’s adorable to find grown married adults discovering for the first time that they really are permitted to have as much consensual sex as they want.
    One of the things I love about your thought process is how you will sit with alien ideas and turn them over in your mind. Instead of saying “that’s just weird and wrong” you say “I do not identify as this”. But it doesn’t stop there because you don’t walk away from those ideas. You keep pondering them until you have empathy for the people in your life who have those crazy ideas. That kind of humanity towards others is so precious. We need more people like you. Thank you for writing this!

  2. TTWA makes total sense, you may need a TM from MisterMan! I can see that the book helped you to understand things about service from what you thought it was before

  3. Very good insight missy!
    I think people and relationships are ever evolving and (hopefully) growing. That’s probably why it’s so hard to put a label on things. And maybe those who decide to live D/s, DD, M/s etc are more open to change so they tend to evolve quicker or with greater intensity than in vanilla relationships?
    I know with my, so far, short time with D/s things have evolved pretty quickly (from bedroom only to 24/7 in about 2 seconds! From not even considering physical punishment to asking for this. As well as our quickly our communication with each other has grown. And there are so many more examples) and from the looks of your recent posts it will continue growing and changing!

  4. We enjoy how you seem to separate what appears to be subtle differences, but they are actually quite stark in contrast in the reality of living them in a relationship. — AJT

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