I have felt horny all week. Somehow I just can’t seem to get enough of HisLordship. The kids are still here but the parents have now left and I feel like I just need to regroup. We have tried to catch time together and have managed a little during the day. Most of the private time has not been until we were in bed though, and I can’t say that we haven’t made the most of that both at bedtime and in the morning, but somehow it isn’t stopping the need. That need is something that has always been there in our relationship and is a recurring theme for me. The D/s has made it stronger of course and I do love it. Although I feel both physically and emotionally needy of him, that is a feeling that I have come to identify as being healthy for us. It has become a sign that things are working and that we are on the right track.
The past week has been quite emotional for me one way or another. As always, life happens and even the kids will say sometimes, “Mum, you really couldn’t write it!” So with the strains that were predictable and the stresses that weren’t, I suppose I do feel a bit bashed and bruised on the inside. And perhaps it is to have the same on the outside I need? We haven’t really used impact pay this past week, but as today is Wednesday, I am hopeful that we will try to honour the routine that has had to be put aside, and indulge in a some time to talk as well as some time to delve deeper into the darker side. I wonder if I need the release that only the pleasure-pain will bring me.
It always feels a bit odd now that when things happen that aren’t positive, we use what we have and fall back on the structure and routine in order to manage it all together. That part isn’t odd – it is simply what we have committed to do. What is odd is that things that are ‘quite big’ come along and you know that in a former life they would have derailed you, but now you just slow down, talk, use what you have at your disposal and carry on, not really the worse for wear. But I suppose that conditioning means that it will take a while until this feels normal.
It reminds me a bit of these tablets I tried when I was younger – ‘Thickheads’. They were supposedly a hangover prevention and I was a young mum of two at that time and I was out of the party loop. A friend recommended them and I have no idea what was in them (they were removed from the market pretty quickly) but the instruction was to take one before, during and after drinking alcohol. You also had to drink a gallon of water and I think they were a huge dose of the minerals and vitamins that alcohol can leave repleted. So they did work. I would say that the next day you felt fine but you didn’t quite. You felt like your head should hurt but there was no pain. I can remember shaking my head from time to time to see if the headache had crept in. It was all a little too good to be true; no bad feelings, but underneath your body was still trying to repair itself. I suppose it was also partly a case of your body looking for signs that your mind was saying weren’t there. It was all a bit confusing for me.
I sometimes feel the same about our relationship now. Things happen and my head is saying that I should feel worried or scared or angry etc, but the situation is dealt with quickly and effectively and it is time to move on. I suppose it will take a while until I stop looking for the lingering feelings that came from over-thinking a situation I could do nothing about. It is odd that in giving up control, I am more in control of my life than I was, but I suppose that is because he is controlling me which means managing my moods and so I am able to be much more even now. I still feel it and see a difference but I don’t think it is obvious in the same way – we just manage it and get back to normal. The new normal I suppose.
So I guess that is part of the need. Things have been dealt with on the surface and we have carried on, but underneath, I am looking for something deeper and more intense to quiet my emotions and I will find that at his hand. The physical to calm the emotional and, again, he is in control so it is all so easily managed. I still find the simplicity of it quite incredible – that I went all of those years putting up with the pain when I could have just had a ‘Thickhead’ to prevent it. A little bit of effort making sure you had the tablets in and drank the water with them and you were all sorted.
Although I feel horny I think it is the deep connection with Sir that I need as that will deal with all of my feelings. It will leave me not just satisfied but also calm and at peace. That desperate feeling for him, to be consumed by him and become part of him will be quieted for a time. We have managed things on the surface but underneath it is still bubbling along a little and we are used to addressing that head on, both through talking but also by doing what we do to push things further for both of us. Extreme control for him and complete submission for me.
Posted in Submissive Journal.