In The faces of my submission I spoke about the part of me that is the girl who wants to be taken care of, who wants to be looked after, doesn’t really want to have to be strong or deal with the adult stuff, and is happy to be led around by the hand and just enjoy being his. I said that this part also has a naughty side that wants to get up to mischief in a childish way and explained that Sir leaves me free to do that by taking on the responsible adult role. This part of me has always been there, but for many years it wasn’t really safe to explore that. In my first marriage I had to be so firmly the responsible adult that the weight of it nearly pulled me under. Afterwards, as a single parent with three young children, it was actually easier and there were glimmers again of situations where I could indulge those feelings, but mostly for those years, it was only through engagement with my kids that I could really explore it and it was in a very contained and controlled sort of way.
Being in a D/s relationship allows exploration of most parts of you, and even those roads that you thought you would never go down, somehow become part of your route, so it has brought out the opportunity to indulge that side of me much more than I have ever been able to in the past. Reading my posts, I can see that I have become more comfortable with expressing myself in those terms and that has a lot to do with the way that my trust has grown and has allowed me to feel safe to be more open about who I really am. I have a number of submissive friends who described themselves as ‘littles’ and although I always admitted to having a side that was like that, I was never really into colouring, or cuddly toys (stuffies to my US friends) or watching cartoons, so it wasn’t really something I identified with.
Big/little play is when one or both people embody a different biological age, with the big acting as the caretaker. A little’s age can range from newborn to about twelve, depending on the desire of the little and/or the big. Activities will correlate to the appropriate age, but can involve bathing, coloring, bed-time stories, cuddling, and so on. Bigs and littles can be any gender, race, sexual orientation, or age………..People are drawn to big/little play for many reasons. For the big, it is an opportunity to be a strong presence in someone’s life, with the rewards and power that come with responsibility. For a little, it is a chance to revive one’s innocence, to see the world with wonder, and be free of the pressures of the world. (The Centre for Sexual Pleasure and Health)
A while back now, I was speaking with one of my friends about that fact that I identified with some aspects of the dynamic but not really with any of the activities and she told me that I was a ‘middle’, which she defined as being an older little. I did try to do some research, but really there is not very much information out there about middles, and her definition of a middle as an older little seemed to be pretty much it. That being said, I have never been very much into labels and definitions so it didn’t really bother me too much and I was happy just to be as I was, sit on it and see what happened. I have kept thinking about it though and trying to put the pieces together so that they could make something that I could put into words and explain to HisLordship, even if no one else.
My dislike of labels is to do with the fact that they lead me to compare myself to a set of ideals which are not my own, and this can make me feel unworthy of the title. The same happened with this really. All the littles did things that I didn’t do, so how could I really be one? The other thing that cause hesitation was the fear of being judged. While it would gain me entry into one group, it might exclude me from others, so one way or another it has taken me quite a while to write about that part in explicit terms; part of this was due to fear of being judged as a fraud and other part was fear of being judged as a weirdo. So here I am coming out in the place where I feel least judged.
I have already had some chance to test the water with my little friends and they have been nothing but encouraging and never judgemental so I do realise that a lot of this is my own insecurity. Being accepted by them has been a big part of being able to be comfortable enough to explore that part of myself and to write about it here. For every time I have voiced my doubts and questioned, they have been able to offer support and help me to see that really it is only me that is judging myself, so that has been a huge part in helping me to be where I find myself now. This post was meant to be about what being a middle meant for me, but in beginning to write, I realise that there was a story to come before that, so that will need to be my next post, otherwise this will become truly an epic.
Being judged a weirdo is probably more of a real concern, as my experience has shown that many find it hard enough even to accept the positive view of submission that I want them to have. I have had those conversations about the fact that submissives are weak women who are doormats and that their Dominant partners are control freaks who are abusing their feeble minded wives. I am not naive enough to think that DD/lg dynamics don’t cross a line even for some of those who are already in D/s relationships, never mind those who aren’t. I have also had those conversations where people question how it works and if that means that Sir has some latent urges towards children. I have assured them with confidence that exploring this no more makes him a paedophile, than pleasuring me with the cane makes him a wife abuser.
It makes me angry that people are quick to judge what they do not understand and that lots seem not to have the open-minded approach that allows them the freedom to explore and consider new things, but I do accept that it is often the case. I have not found this to be such a forum, and in surrounding myself by like-minded people, I have only ever received support, encouragement and positive feedback in the past. I always wanted my blog to be something that others could relate to and connect with and so I feel it is important for me to document all parts of my journey and all of the twists and the turns that HisLordship and I take. I don’t know yet where this particular thread will lead, but as with all things D/s, I am happy to be in a place where I can embrace it and look forward to finding out.