The girl in me

In The faces of my submission I spoke about the part of me that is the girl who wants to be taken care of, who wants to be looked after, doesn’t really want to have to be strong or deal with the adult stuff, and is happy to be led around by the hand and just enjoy being his. I said that this part also has a naughty side that wants to get up to mischief in a childish way and explained that Sir leaves me free to do that by taking on the responsible adult role. This part of me has always been there, but for many years it wasn’t really safe to explore that. In my first marriage I had to be so firmly the responsible adult that the weight of it nearly pulled me under. Afterwards, as a single parent with three young children, it was actually easier and there were glimmers again of situations where I could indulge those feelings, but mostly for those years, it was only through engagement with my kids that I could really explore it and it was in a very contained and controlled sort of way.

Being in a D/s relationship allows exploration of most parts of you, and even those roads that you thought you would never go down, somehow become part of your route, so it has brought out the opportunity to indulge that side of me much more than I have ever been able to in the past. Reading my posts, I can see that I have become more comfortable with expressing myself in those terms and that has a lot to do with the way that my trust has grown and has allowed me to feel safe to be more open about who I really am. I have a number of submissive friends who described themselves as ‘littles’ and although I always admitted to having a side that was like that, I was never really into colouring, or cuddly toys (stuffies to my US friends) or watching cartoons, so it wasn’t really something I identified with.

Big/little play is when one or both people embody a different biological age, with the big acting as the caretaker. A little’s age can range from newborn to about twelve, depending on the desire of the little and/or the big. Activities will correlate to the appropriate age, but can involve bathing, coloring, bed-time stories, cuddling, and so on. Bigs and littles can be any gender, race, sexual orientation, or age………..People are drawn to big/little play for many reasons. For the big, it is an opportunity to be a strong presence in someone’s life, with the rewards and power that come with responsibility. For a little, it is a chance to revive one’s innocence, to see the world with wonder, and be free of the pressures of the world. (The Centre for Sexual Pleasure and Health)

A while back now, I was speaking with one of my friends about that fact that I identified with some aspects of the dynamic but not really with any of the activities and she told me that I was a ‘middle’, which she defined as being an older little. I did try to do some research, but really there is not very much information out there about middles, and her definition of a middle as an older little seemed to be pretty much it. That being said, I have never been very much into labels and definitions so it didn’t really bother me too much and I was happy just to be as I was, sit on it and see what happened. I have kept thinking about it though and trying to put the pieces together so that they could make something that I could put into words and explain to HisLordship, even if no one else.

My dislike of labels is to do with the fact that they lead me to compare myself to a set of ideals which are not my own, and this can make me feel unworthy of the title. The same happened with this really. All the littles did things that I didn’t do, so how could I really be one? The other thing that cause hesitation was the fear of being judged. While it would gain me entry into one group, it might exclude me from others, so one way or another it has taken me quite a while to write about that part in explicit terms; part of this was due to fear of being judged as a fraud and other part was fear of being judged as a weirdo. So here I am coming out in the place where I feel least judged.

I have already had some chance to test the water with my little friends and they have been nothing but encouraging and never judgemental so I do realise that a lot of this is my own insecurity. Being accepted by them has been a big part of being able to be comfortable enough to explore that part of myself and to write about it here. For every time I have voiced my doubts and questioned, they have been able to offer support and help me to see that really it is only me that is judging myself, so that has been a huge part in helping me to be where I find myself now.  This post was meant to be about what being a middle meant for me, but in beginning to write, I realise that there was a story to come before that, so that will need to be my next post, otherwise this will become truly an epic.

Being judged a weirdo is probably more of a real concern, as my experience has shown that many find it hard enough even to accept the positive view of submission that I want them to have. I have had those conversations about the fact that submissives are weak women who are doormats and that their Dominant partners are control freaks who are abusing their feeble minded wives. I am not naive enough to think that DD/lg dynamics don’t cross a line even for some of those who are already in D/s relationships, never mind those who aren’t. I have also had those conversations where people question how it works and if that means that Sir has some latent urges towards children. I have assured them with confidence that exploring this no more makes him a paedophile, than pleasuring me with the cane makes him a wife abuser.

It makes me angry that people are quick to judge what they do not understand and that lots seem not to have the open-minded approach that allows them the freedom to explore and consider new things, but I do accept that it is often the case. I have not found this to be such a forum, and in surrounding myself by like-minded people, I have only ever received support, encouragement and positive feedback in the past. I always wanted my blog to be something that others could relate to and connect with and so I feel it is important for me to document all parts of my journey and all of the twists and the turns that HisLordship and I take. I don’t know yet where this particular thread will lead, but as with all things D/s, I am happy to be in a place where I can embrace it and look forward to finding out.

Posted in Submissive Journal and tagged , , , .


  1. Ahhhh…., hmmmm….., how to approach this comment?
    What you are feeling is a common thing amongst subs. To think of it in the terms you used will only confuse you. I will try to explain but feel free to contact me (or have the gentleman do so) if I’m unclear or if brevity leaves questions.
    A person can be many things or a mix of any number of those things. You (generic lady for this moment, not Missy) could be a submissive, a little, a sexual submissive, a pet,……. and you can have tendencies that involve anything that you could add onto this list. Two things create confusion here though.
    There is a vast difference between a submissive and one who is sexually submissive. Never confuse those two. Looking around, at lot of folks do in youthful exuberance. That mistake has a price. This doesn’t address your question though does it?
    You (Missy) are pondering the other common question subs run into. You don’t personally identify the urges you see in “little ones” but yet there are feelings that you can’t quite figure out. Let’s see if I can help it make sense.
    He has become your new “Daddy”. Don’t recoil in horror until I finish. You loved him but now you love him more. You trusted him but now you trust him more. He now shields you, protects you and guides you more. He gives that inner girl a safe place to indulge her fantasies and he watches over her as she plays. Things that worry you make you think of him. But…, but when the day has been long you long to indulge in him. He is the rock by which you know that you are good. Sounds kinda like Daddy all those years ago doesn’t it?
    Without clogging your comments further, know that this is a good, common thing for subs in a strong relationship. I’m sure some of those who started this a whole six months ago have rolled their eyes but I hope they remember to feel ok when it hits them after a couple of years of constant, positive care. Identifying that girl and learning to see her is your next challenge. You will see her on your way home from a rough day (and myriad other times) and you need to show her to him. She needs a different hand than the one he canes but she is a component of that one and just as important. Don’t let her lack of cartoons, coloring books and animals fool you, she is there and she is a sign that all is well.

    • What you have said makes a lot of sense to me and is a good summary of how I feel. I have been aware of it for a while but have taken longer to put it into words I think. It feels now like the pieces are slowly starting to fit into place if that makes sense.

  2. It seems that for some people the label is the most important thing and for others it’s the least important and I don’t have much time for the first group.
    You clearly have a very strong, stable, healthy and happy relationship. That’s the important part. Some parts of your relationship will overlap with some labels, other parts will match other labels but it’s not reasonable to expect any relationship to perfectly map onto any one label.
    Your post made me think of this comic:
    By way of saying that if, to you, being a grown-up means being in a relationship with somebody who is a lot more active in ‘responsibility’ tasks and gives you room to be playful and mischievous, that’s fine, and it doesn’t mean that you then have to describe yourself as a ‘little girl’ or anything other than an adult.
    (unless you want to use those terms, of course)

    • I think that I just want to explore that part of me further and I now feel that I am in a place where I can do that. I have been feeling like this for a while and we have already experimented a bit with it but it was not something that I had ever written about before. Thank you for taking the time to comment – it is always helpful to have feedback from others. I enjoyed the cartoon ?

  3. Missy… ?
    I’m really sorry to hear my questions in the past has been part in giving you such grife. You gave me brilliant answers tho and an in-sight and undetstanding of a world where i had only prejudice.
    Don’t think i have thanked you for that, thank you!
    I will follow this “thread” of development with interest.
    @C for now – thank you for that little sub-psychology in-sight. Puts a few pieces in place.

    • I think that questions are helpful and I am glad that you felt able to ask me about it. Putting together an answer to something vague was an important part of the process for me so please don’t think I see it as a negative. Being able to do that with someone who is open and who you trust is good preparation for discussion with others who will not be like that. You didn’t cause me any grief so I am sorry if I made you feel that way ❤️

  4. The struggle is real and you aren’t alone. I am a little, although it’s probably closer to middle in actuality. I love unicorns and glitter and being taken pampered and coddled and not having to be responsible, but I don’t really watch cartoons or play with toys or things like that. Fiancé says my little aspect is probably early teen because she very much adores her him, but likes to test her independence (and his patience ???). While I have always had a childlike innocence, the prominence of my little didn’t manifest until Fiancé. It’s only because of the trust and comfort I have within his acceptance that allowed me to fully embrace it, which is what HisLordship has provided for you. Thus your ability to let loose and delve into that aspect of yourself when you never had the opportunity to do so before. And labels… ? I don’t care much for labels either. There are some I have always been terrified of embracing, for some of the same reasons you mentioned. If I say I’m a little but I don’t play with dolls, how can I really say I’m a little? (I won’t go into all the mental acrobatics the term “masochist” creates!) Still, I think you are quite right in realizing that the label isn’t important. Each element you discover and explore is simply another kaleidoscope piece of dimension of the masterpiece that is you.
    Simply put, you are you and labels, while helpful to learn about and explore, couldn’t possibly begin to contain all that you are. Humans are so much more gloriously complicated than we make them out to be, and that is the joy of life.

  5. Grrrr….
    WP just ate a lengthy comment and I need to get on the road. To paraphrase “Space Balls”, here’s the Short, Short Version, please don’t hear it as rude.
    I’m not one to assign or encourage labels as you know.
    Only one inexperienced or foolish would proceed in this situation without them.
    I will try to make a post later explaining this in less harsh terms.

  6. Pingback: Mindset, Maintenance and Middles – submissy

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