I feel lost, although I am not lost; I know where I am and so does HisLordship, but I am somewhere a little out of reach right now. Usually my posts are positive. They may be as a result of a problem but usually they are reflective of the event and the outcome is positive because whatever the situation is, it has been resolved to some degree by the time that I write about it. This time I am writing from the middle of the situation so it is a bit different. I have chosen to do this partly because I think it is important to show a real picture of how things are and also because part of my holiday rules from Sir is to write a post at least every two days and, as my last was now four days ago, I have failed with that.
Part of the reason for this is time and part of it has been my mood. I think that for me to write easily, I need to be in the correct emotional place. I need to feel something strongly enough that I am motivated to get it down on paper, and if I try to write something for the sake of it then I can sit for ages with no ideas. I have always been like this. When I was young I wrote poetry but it was always quite dark and came from the times when I was feeling down, confused and struggling. I tried to write a different sort of poetry, or to write it about other things but I sat with the paper and nothing came so I thought that I could only write when I was in that place. Since I have been in this dynamic, I have found myself writing again but my motivation this time has been the positive feelings that I have. I look back at this blog, which I have now had for a year, and see how much I have actually written and it has just come, without me really looking for it.
So to be feeling like you are at the lost and found is an off sort of emotional place to be writing from for me. I am in a place that I don’t want to be, but I am in no real danger by being there. I feel distant from where I feel like I am home, but I still see that place and know that it is there, I just can’t quite reach it. Sir and I have been together 24/7 for 5 weeks now. This is something that I was really looking forward to because we had experienced quite a challenging year and I thought that it would be good to have things much easier in terms of the number of distractions. That has been the result and we have been able to immerse ourselves in our dynamic without any real distractions from anything else. I suppose it has possibly been a little too easy and so I now find myself feeling under pressure and a little ill equipped to deal with it.
We have not only spent all of the time together of late, but we have had a set routine. Writing my posts and reading your blogs has been part of that, as has doing the admin for the website for the club and spending time chatting to others there. We have had some new members come on the site too so the talk has all been very helpful in reflecting on aspects of our dynamic – we have even had a focussed topic chat about managing D/s during the holidays, so it isn’t like we don’t know what we should be doing. Basically, I have been able to spend time doing all of the things that I love and are helpful to me in being the submissive I want to. Reading, writing, reflecting and more time for actually doing it all too of course.
This week has been different as Sir’s parents have come to stay. It is lovely to see them and we get on very well. His mum has been ill and they had to cancel their Christmas visit as a result so we are really pleased to be able to spend time with them. This also combines with having all of our children home which we also enjoy. The older two are living and working away now, so although they are not completely independent from us, they are not home as much as they used to be. Our eldest daughter is also at University so she has been around less frequently since September too, but she is back for her holidays now so with 11 people we have a full house. When I was catering and providing for 9 on a weekly basis, having 11 did not seem so different, but now that we are down to a regular 6, it is more of a stretch for me than it used to be.
The organisation of the domestics has all been done, but on a practical level it all needs to ‘appear’. In trying to stick to a budget but still make sure everyone feels they have been spoilt a bit, I have also made things hard for myself. Making everything from scratch, for three meals a day (plus afternoon tea and snacks), for eleven people has left me reeling a bit. And I am only a few days in, although my over preparation has left my kitchen somewhat bulging with a variety of cakes and sweet treats, so I wonder if I may able to ease off a little after today. Today is our son’s 21st and with a themed party to cater for, I am hoping that this might be the climax and that after that, my forward planning and preparation may allow me to relax a little bit more than I have been.
So I think I am lost under a pile of laundry, more than a dusting of icing sugar and the noise of seven excited children being re-united with their siblings. Missy is still present in terms of performing those rules and rituals that have become part of what we do, but not in any real sense other than that. The need for providing for others has overtaken the ability to indulge in time for myself and that has left me feeling a bit adrift. The capable public face has taken over and it is all looking good to others, but inside I am missing the person I have become; I am missing my submissive me. I feel a bit like I have been put on hold but it isn’t really something I am enjoying as it feels a bit precarious and a bit vulnerable – like it (or more likely I) might just all fall apart at any minute.
I am clinging quite desperately onto the set of expectations I have put around myself, even though I know they are not reasonable, and that is an unfamiliar place as I have not been there in a while. Part of me feels like I want to be rescued and another part knows that won’t happen. I have been open with Sir about where I am, and although I think that he is not very happy about it, he has left me there. I don’t mean this in a bad way as he is checking up on me and checking in with me but he hasn’t pulled me back. He will in the end I suppose and I know that when he comes to collect me it will be emotional for me. I feel a bit like that lost bear who is being brave and pretending he is ok while he plays with the other toys at the lost and found, but when his owner comes he will cry real tears, become soft again and go back to being the toy that he is. Remember, your stuff misses you too.
Posted in Submissive Journal.