Patience and sub-frenzy

Patience and Sub-frenzy

I have never been a patient person. If there is something ahead, good or bad, I am inclined to want to get on with whatever it is. I don’t like waiting, and really I am not very good at it. I get a bit stressed and do not engage as much in what I have at the time, as I am looking forwards to the part that is coming next so experiencing sub-frenzy which challenged my patience early on was tricky.

I have to say that D/s was a HUGE test for me in terms of patience, and I am also glad to say that it has taught me a thing or two about living in the moment and trying not to rush ahead. Of course I still have a lot to learn from others around me and am fortunate to have some friends who are really inspirational in the way they manage things. One of the things I wasn’t aware of at the start was that it is common to experience sub-frenzy.

I think that finding D/s was particularly hard because it is like a shiny new toy.  You long for it for a while, you do your research, you finally get it and you want to play with it all the time. The trouble is that it isn’t a toy so it isn’t simply a case of popping the batteries in, reading the instructions and off you go. It is a lot more complicated than that as you are relying on another person to play the same game as you.

You are already a couple but you are becoming more harmonised, more synchronised and more in tune with one another. When you first met, it was all new, but now you have that familiarity which means that you make assumptions, have expectations and already have a perception of how things will be. All of this has to be re-learnt.  You must learn to anticipate and not assume, to curb your expectations and just enjoy what comes your way, and to let your perceptions shift in line with your new way of thinking.

I don’t think that I am alone in feeling what I did and I have spoken to a lot of other submissives who wanted to run full speed and also became frustrated initially that their Doms seems to be moving more slowly. Most of us seem to get off to a great start; everything fits brilliantly into place and you are caught up in the excitement of it all.

However, as with anything, real life is always a bit trickier as there are the mundane times, and the difficult times, and the stressful times, and the times when your mood is just not right. If that affects the mindset for either one of you then it will probably affect the other too, and the trick is not to react to it by closing down and feeling despondent. You have to be patient – it doesn’t mean that it wont work, it just means that it isn’t working right now, and you need to think about what you can do to help it.

I think that for me, finding my patience was as hard a step as it was for HisLordship to assume control. I think that I was so wrapped up in the excitement of it all that perhaps I didn’t appreciate what a big ask it was of him. He was already naturally Dominant in some areas and seemed to take to it so well that I was surprised when it wasn’t always consistent, and I think I underestimated how hard it was for him to suddenly feel he had to be in control of everything.

He not only needed to do assume more overt control of me, but he had to have more control of himself as well and I didn’t realise that it would take him time to grow in confidence with that. Because it worked when he did it, I underestimated what it actually took for him and didn’t always allow the  space that he needed to deal things that had happened to him during the day, as that sometimes affected how Dominant he was feeling.

Sub-frenzy is a phenomenon that affects many new submissives. It’s that first rush of overwhelming, consuming desire to experience every kind of kink, as soon as possible, often to the point of neglecting all other concerns.
Most of us have thought about submission long before we ever have the nerve to go looking for it, and when we do, it’s often like someone dropped a bomb in the middle of our world. You can become consumed by it. BDSM is all you can think about.
Kate Kinsey

I now recognise what I was experiencing as sub-frenzy. When you read up on sub-frenzy it tends to be focussed on new submissives who are not already in a long term relationship or marriage with their partner, so a lot of the danger is in rushing with regards to the play aspects. Hazards can be a poor lack of judgement which can lead to you doing things that are dangerous, or you haven’t thought through, or playing with too many people, or the wrong types of people.

For those of us who are already in a relationship, it is a bit different. I think that it can show more in terms of wanting to move too fast, having unrealistic expectations, and becoming frustrated with the fact that it can feel ‘not enough’, or ‘too slow’, or ‘inconsistent’. This is where your patience comes in. You have to stop yourself, slow yourself down and consider whether your expectations are realistic or not. You have to think about your Dominant and what they are thinking and feeling.

Are you reassuring them enough? Are you talking and communicating enough? Are you giving them the space and time and support that they need to be able to feel comfortable and in control? If not then it will all fall apart because you haven’t allowed it to become part of what you do. Whatever you did before, you have built up those habits and responses over a lot of years and it will take a long time to cement the new behaviours.

When you hit a bump it is easy to feel like it isn’t going to work but it will do, it just takes time. Keep talking to each other, keep talking and seeking advice from others who have been there, and it will come. The other thing to remember is that being submissive is not just about responding to what your Dominant does. You have to try to behave submissively even when he doesn’t seem to be Dominating you. It is like a circle where you both feed off each other’s actions and behaviour, so if one of you is off and the other feeds off that then it becomes a power struggle again.

If you can be patient and consistent with your submission the your Dom will find their mindset too and it will keep going, so take it slowly and don’t expect too much of yourselves in the beginning.  I know at the start we struggled to navigate the bumps and at times we doubted we could do it. To be honest, I was probably guilty of blaming HisLordship for not ‘doing it’ when really my expectations were not realistic. What we have now is years of consistently sticking with it and not allowing ourselves to be derailed.

Have we had doubts? Yes, we both have and we have both questioned in the past if it would work and if we could do it. I am pleased to say that hasn’t happened in a while and it has become easier. It has become more naturally part of how we are and what we do and I am delighted to say that my patience has paid off. It is one area where I certainly see growth and being able to focus on the here and now has definitely got us through some stressful times this part year.

If you are looking for a fairy-tale, then you have to remember that there is a lot of reading in between your once upon a time and your happily ever after.

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  1. Thank you for sharing this, missy! I too experienced subfrenzy as you described…wanting to experience it all at once. Learning patience and learning to manage my expectations has been (and continues to be) a real challenge for me. However; when this was pointed out to me by a dear friend here on WordPress, I was able to take a step back…and when I did, wondrous things began to happen! Giving Daddy that space really allowed him to take the reigns and move us into uncharted D/s territory…it has been wonderful 🙂 Again, great post! Such an important topic, especially for us newbies.

  2. I live this and will re-read after preparing food in prep if daughter arriving home tomorrow . .. delicious words to ponder over as I roll the sushi …
    and a lot of this comes down to … active and passive submission. it is through our Master’s and their own ways that we learn when we are required and needed to be active and when it is time to be … in that very moment.
    I am reading a book about mindfulness and doing everything we do … in the moment. He says if we rush through the washing up without thought of the washing up we eventually lose what we were racing to find …

    • Wise words. And it is funny that you relate to it as you are one of the friends to which I refer at the start. Your patience and devotion has always been an inspiration to me. I have looked at mindfulness before but should give it another go I think. Thank you for the reminder ?

      • smiles … it’s really all about thinking of the tiny things that we do. those moments that we would normally see as insignificant and a stepping stone to the next thing … but those little moments can be marvels all themselves. try it doing the washing up this evening … just focus on washing the dishes … it’s fun but so hard …
        I do believe mindfulness is the key …

          • hehehe … I can’t . .. I lose every time … I begin well – thinking of the water the bubbles and so on and by the end I have planned the next few weeks ! but … I keep going … I have patience …. hehehe ….

  3. my mother had a saying … patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace and Grace was a little girl who never washed her face. i was presented with this daily, possibly hourly… I knew if I waited quietly enough and long enough … I would get to spend time with my Pa – there patience began x

  4. I have a habit of wanting it all RIGHT NOW! The forced separation between daddy & me is helping. Forcing me to stop and think and Tell him what’s going on in my head. Our relationship has always had some of the d/s dynamic. The difference now is that it’s a conscious decision on my part to let him take charge.

    • Yes I think for me I am still a work in progress lol. I learn all the time, from experience and from others. Thank you for commenting ?

  5. Ahhh the P word… patience takes continuous practice.
    I think in the frenzied state we think that everything should look like a high protocol scene. How exhausting would that be though? Sometimes it just looks like him asleep in front of the tv while I cook. LMAO
    As a submissive you are asking him to take control and that includes the pace.
    Hold your hands out, palms up and let it go.

  6. Your understanding that your Dominant’s feelings and moods are important is very refreshing. Always remember that the D/s lifestyle is more than whips, flogs, bondage and discipline. It is based on the giving and taking of power, and when love is involved, it is a beautiful lifestyle, often misunderstood by those not in the lifestyle. It sounds like you both have realized that 🙂

    • Luckily we have. The play side is great but the emotional connection is so important to us and it is always good to hear from other likeminded people.

  7. First thought, what an excellent parting thought! Well done ma’am.
    Second thought comes (for the lack of a better way to put it) from a dominant perspective. I will try to explain but please ask questions if I’m unclear.
    Let’s say I’m me, little ol’single me and a girl arrives. She is an absolute vision, a good person, excellent match, eager as heck and very submissive. It’s obvious from day one that she is interested in me having fun with my new toy. Now, this is cool! I’m good at what I do, I’ve got more ideas on a slow day than the internet. Certainly have the experience and the bits to make it all come true. If I’m missing something or think up something new, I can make it. We are about to have a lot of fun aren’t we?
    No, we’re not really. She will find me a bit frustrating. We will be going slowly. There will be conversation and, more importantly, I will be watching her like a hawk. That observation will continue long after we’ve showered. Is her step stiff the next day? Any signs of unanticipated bruising? Does she appear at ease or has something changed? We will, over time, work up to things she had never pondered. We’ll pass her wild, dirty fantasies about halfway there. When we arrive she will be in better shape mentally and physically than when we left. When we go to bed that night she’ll wonder if my dreams contain something new for tomorrow.
    That all had a purpose. The purpose was showing my point of view in regards to the common situation you addressed from a submissive point of view. A sub may have known a dominant for years but they’ve never waited flush with anticipation as that individual tried to determine how tight is to tight for the elbows. It could be that they are willing and ready but the individual is trying to get the courage to give the command. Maybe you’ve run across a good dominant but you are new to them. They know how tight is too tight and they are comfortable with the order but….
    But they are experienced enough and wise enough to learn the ride before racing into corners. They understand your value as a new partner or they love the surprise you’ve presented after 5 years of marriage. Regardless, that love and respect, the weight of the responsibility, the knowledge of the pitfalls, it will all give them ample reason for caution.
    None of what I’ve said is to disagree with the lady’s post. Hopefully it helps give insight into (some) cases where the dominant appears to be behind in making fantasies happen. If you were to be confronted by one who wanted to go wide open the first time, run. If they explain that “We’ll get there, enjoy the ride” then relax, this will probably be fun!
    Pardon the length ma’am.

    • Thank you as always for your comment. I had not considered from the perspective of the experienced Dominant as our situation has been from learning together – beginner to intermediate perhaps? I see your point, though, that the result might be the same, even though the reason for taking time could be different. Very helpful – thank you.

      • You certainly appear to have a wonderful fairytale in progress there. It appears that the two of you are progressing at a rate you both are comfortable with. Cool!
        I just wanted those assembled to ponder some of the reasons why a seeming “no-brainer” rush to orgasm bliss might get the brakes from the one driving the show. Far more importantly I want those less experienced to be very, very leary of a reckless driver lest they become passengers on a dangerous, scary ride.
        Your description of both “wanting more” and the realities of life both point to a sane, sustainable fun. (Shame the realities of life intrude but it is life after all. Sigh….)
        Thank you, as always, for hearing me out ma’am.

    • Master leads the time … it is at His pace and His alone. even though i know i could take more of something – when He is done He is done. Sometimes i think it is because He has reached His own personal limit or sometimes sees in fact that it is time to give me a moment. He is care and methodical … much to my frustration … just sometimes – but i know He is right.
      i cannot imagine how difficult at times it must be to be the Dominant. It is often assumed that it’s a walk in the park – one gives orders etcetx … but there is so much more to a good and darling Master… time and patience and a great deal of control …

      • Ponder wanting something in a primal way, having one before you who desires giving it and knowing that going forward would harm one or both of you. Leadership is, stunningly, about leading and the responsibility for the events to follow falls on the leader. Restraint (pun intended) in leadership pays great dividends but requires great patience.

      • Exactly so. I see so many women looking for a good Dominant and they are unable to find someone who does theses things. We are very lucky ?

    • I think I will tuck my thoughts on here under you. I can remember being eager and frustrated in the beginning stage. I didn’t understand how you could easily pace yourself and us when I wanted what I wanted now and to the limit. And yet, you invited me to trust and learn as you learned me. And the thing that still catches me off guard is the way you watch out for me and us. I didnt realize the many ways your dominance holds me up.I’m fortunate to know an honorable dominant man who understands the benefit of patience. I cringe knowing how very differently my (or any woman’s)submission could be manipulated by a less honorable man. I’m glad you shared your perspective.

      • You are welcome ma’am.
        We shall reach “Your Wild Dreams” in due time but we can’t rest there long as that is only a rest area enroute. It’s beyond that where you will really have fun. It’s been a fun ride though as you have made a very pleasurable travel companion. Hopefully my words and deeds will always match in your eyes.
        Have a good day Girl.

  8. Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you. I have known that at the core of me I am a submissive for many many years. My husband is a naturally dominant man, but not necessarily a true Dominant and while we slowly work towards extending the parameters of our D/s relationship within our husband and wife one I can sometimes feel discouraged that he just isn’t quite there yet. This has helped me to realize that while I may KNOW who and what I am on a Fundamental level, we are still learning (after 4 years married) who WE are. It may take him longer, but he is trying and is happy with the direction we are headed so what I need now is patience. He is a good dominant man, and a wonderful husband. With time I know he will be a wonderful Dom as well. Thank you.

    • Thank you so much for commenting Sasshley and congratulations on beginning your new dynamic. I am pleased that the post made sense to you and I do think that there are a lot of us who have found the same thing. If you ever want to chat things over and share thoughts then please get in touch. It sounds like you are doing just the right thing for you and your Sir ?

  9. Great post!It brought back memories of the beginning of my relationship and made me reflect on where I am now, more settled in, maybe more patient but it is hard sometimes. I have equated his patience with maybe less desire for me. My inexperience and insecurity can speak loudly, I’m learning to give it all a voice so we can sort it out.

    • That sounds very like my own experience. It becomes more part of the every day and I question whether it should feel different at times. I am glad that the frenzy is over and we have relaxed into more of a set pace, but also enjoyed the way that it consumed my mind in a sense.

  10. I am right in Sub Frenzy now, and so this is the perfect time for me to be reading this and learning its meaning. In hindsight i recognise some of my hasty decisions had ended things prematurely. Patience has never been my thing, but i really am having to learn it, quickly to prevent more failing.
    Thank you! I learned something new today!

  11. This was a great read! I have a question… what are some of the things that we can say or do to encourage our Sir and give him confidence?
    Im sorry if you have already answered this, I am still reading through the comments.

    • I am glad that you found it helpful Jessica. I think what you do depends very much on your partner and the relationship that you have so it is difficult to give suggestions without knowing about your dynamic. For me it was about altering my thinking so that I had a submissive perspective and could then support Sir in finding and feeling comfortable with his Dominance. I am happy to chat with you more specifically via email or on our chat site which is You can also ask questions in the forums there and will receive a variety of responses which might be helpful. ?

  12. This definitely happened to me – it was like a switch, from the moment MrH assumed the Dom role I couldn’t think about anything else… for about 4 weeks I was in a permanent state of arousal. Thankfully MrH is a very patient man and he tempered my behaviour, controlling the speed at which we moved and making me slow down. That emotional journey early on is quite a roller coaster ride in itself and I journaled frequently – the new consuming need to please MrH left me quite adrift sometimes, worried I wasn’t upholding my end of the deal. It was quite odd to need such reassurance from him and the need I felt to be near him was also very strange. These feelings have lessened as our D/s relationship has developed, as my self esteem has also flourished under Sirs attention. But for those new subs I think the first few weeks/months can be quite unsettling.

  13. It rang around in my mind for ages.. so stuck on lust, so stuck on want, so stricken with that pure ecstasy I had forgotten what it meant to really, truly and completely serve.To alleviate all expectations and slow down, having patience is crucial for the D/s relationship to foster. Seriously, thank you so so much.

  14. I`m just rereading this now, over a year after I brought D/s up to my husband. The safe word club was my haven, the guidance and support from them allowed me to ask my husband to try the lifestyle. With time to reflect now that we have settled in somewhat… sub frenzy is real! But I think Dom frenzy is too. I even made a comment to Missy one time about his penis thinks he’s in his 20s again. Not that he was not cautious of my well-being, because he was, but we also jumped into the deep end when it came to bondage in particular. If not for our 15 years together, and his understanding of ropes, weight distribution, and carpentry (among other things) the outcome could have been disastrous. HL, did you experience anything like that? If you did, have you written about it? If not… consider this a less than subtle hint!

    • @wannabesub – Yes there was a period of time when it felt like being a kid in a sweet shop! It was a mixture of uncontrolled access and constant exploration which was easy to keep up with until the thinking part of D/s came in. Having that level of intimacy and trust was not going to be a turn on and off relationship. It needed work.

  15. Very interesting – even thou i not in a traditional D’s I think I experienced that sub frenzy at the start.
    I can imagine that patience is the key. and can also see that the Dom would need to learn control over himself as well as anything to do with your D’s – great post Missy
    May xx

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