What is D/s really about?

DisgustedI was talking to my friend yesterday. She is vanilla but she knows about our lifestyle. She wants to hate everything about it so her first reaction to things is to screw up her face and say, “Oh I’d hate that!” but then she will ask me questions and delve deeper into what things might involve. I guess I’d describe it as a morbid fascination really – she doesn’t want to know but she can’t stop herself from wondering about it. I think that ultimately she struggles to resolve the loving and supportive couple she sees us as, with the stereotype in her head of the dark world of BDSM.
She knows that I have this blog but she has never read it and has said that she never will. I think that really that would be the best way to find out what our D/s is all about.  She gets the sex part – well she doesn’t really as she doesn’t understand the power exchange, but she thinks that she knows what it is about.  I want to be able to explain it all properly and in a way that makes sense and shows her the really good side but it is very difficult to do.  I mean I know how to explain in the loosest form what a D/s relationship is, but how does that look for us and what does it feel like to be in it, and why is it that I feel like I can never give that up and go back to what I had before?  It is so very complicated to put into words.
I suppose when I think about it, the way I see it is that it is made of many more highs and ups than the relationship we had before. In fact as well as frequency of the good bits, the highs are actually higher and the ups are uppier than I ever remember them being before.  I think for us it is an all-stops-out type of relationship. There is no hesitation in expecting the best, in expecting someone else to be in tune with and attentive to your needs and wants. There is also the fact that you feel listened to and heard because the other person has taken the time to focus on you. Being seen and heard every day by your partner is something that you come to take for granted, but I know from experience that without it you can quickly begin to lose yourself.
Which brings me to another plus. You get to be the person who you really want to be and not the person who circumstances turn you into.  It feels much simpler, much more honest, and more straightforward. Whatever happens, it seems not to be too big for you to be able to manage it and I think that is because together you are much stronger. There is a clarity about things that was missing before. Sometimes they were vague in the past and the lines were blurred whereas now it is simple. You know what you are and what you have to do. You are accepted and loved for being you and, for me, the person I am is someone that I can like, not all of the time but at least for some of it.
Trusting someone else, opening up to them and letting them inside all of the time is not easy. It takes a lot of thought and courage to lay yourself bare and make yourself vulnerable to them. It requires you to be honest and forthcoming with those parts of you that would have been held back before, and although this may not be something that comes naturally, I think it is the only way that you can achieve the level of intimacy that we share. It is the only way to push past your own boundaries and explore those fantasies that would otherwise remain unexplored. In the past I always had the feeling that I wanted more and had come to the conclusion that another person would never be able to give as much as I wanted, but now I have the intensity I craved.
My friend would say that you can have all of these things anyway – which it true you could. But I did not, and I know that most people don’t. While it is all there if you choose, people opt for a different way. Without the structure to fall back on, I did that too.  I didn’t love less, or desire less, but I showed it less consistently. I allowed the ups and downs of life to put me in a place where I was reactive rather than proactive and that affected the way I responded to others. I built walls around myself and would throw them up to keep others out when things were hard. It was the situation that I wanted to be protected from really, but it was the only way I knew.
I think that for me D/s is about living without the power struggles, the compromises and the limits that I always ended up with before. It is about being able to be honest and still being accepted and loved. It is about being able to set expectations which exceed those I have had before. It is about trust and desire and commitment. It is about being free and at peace with myself. It is about feeling safe to venture to places I would not have gone before and about taking risks and enjoying the rewards. I suppose that ultimately when I remove all the excitement and the endorphin highs, it is about my happiness and my emotional health. It is about me being me, and that being enough.

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , .


  1. smiles – You are so very right – it captures all things that are at the very core of our souls. Honesty, trust, love, desire, commitment – nothing hidden. There seems to be a bond far greater, i believe because we are who we are and we do not hide it away. Not be be judged and not to judge is a remarkable thing.. To be allowed to be one’s self, whether Master or slave – a remarkable thing x

  2. Explaining it to someone is something akin to explaining ice cream, naming your favorite flavor and then expecting them to get exactly what it is that you are going on about.
    Points to her though if she does not approve of it, doesn’t want it, sees that your world is better and supports you for being you.

  3. To elaborate further I think it’s like trying to describe vision to a blind person. I thought I knew what a high was before D/s, but the line between pain and pleasure is so very very fine that it’s blurred to me now. To feel so free by releasing all sense of control to the one who owns my body and emotions is simply indescribable. Your friend would surely be intrigued and tantalized by reading your blog and is doing herself an injustice by being so close-minded.

  4. I know way too many couples who are unhappy, with each other and with themselves. Sometimes, I feel as if Daddy and I found the magic key to greater intimacy and happiness. I have shared our new journey with two close friends, both had positive reactions, but I can only imagine the reactions of some of my other girlfriends. Chances are, if your friend knows about this blog, she is reading it…even if she claims not to.

  5. For my wife and I, our journey began 8 months ago. She had certain submissive tendencies, so we created a contract, and progressed. Ironically, after reading and reading about submission, I finally stumbled across the ddlg dynamic. Reading that description, my eyes were opened. My wife and I had been living that life without the submission acknowledgment (with the nurturing, not the odd dressing up). This lifestyle doesn’t work for everyone, but as recent converts, my wife and I love it. We are still growing with things and continuing to learn about ourselves and each other. After 22 years together, I think its a good place to be. Your friend needn’t judge but try it for herself.
    Missy, keep blogging, I like to review your thoughts, and insights.

  6. It’s great that you have a friend you trusted enough to share your lifestyle with. Her lukewarm response (at best) is disappointing. However you didn’t start this path for, or because of her. In time she may realize that her imagination is colouring her views about BDSM and what you are living. She may become more accepting–perhaps even a convert! lol
    Our preconceptions often get in the way of our understanding! It’s one of humanity’s weaknesses.

    • You are quite right. I would hope that we are slowly challenging her misconceptions, but as you say, it won’t affect us either way. We are happy and it works for us so that is really all that matters ?

  7. People like to pick and choose what they want to see and hear. So it can be hard at times to have others understand your point of view when they already have an opinion on certain topic such as BDSM.

    • Yes kit. I also find it tricky to explain in ways which show the beauty of it – it is easy here because people are looking to understand but out there it is not quite the same.

  8. Pingback: Head, Humiliation and Happy Ever Afters – submissy

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