It is interesting that people form an opinion of you and that rarely seems to change, even when your behaviour and actions don’t seem to support it. I think that for some reason some of my family members don’t see the real person that I am, despite them having evidence from the things that I do. I am not sure that this has very much to do with Domination and submission, although I do feel that as I submissive I have become more confident and comfortable in being the true me. I also feel that living with the dynamic as we do, has made me better able to have the serenity to continue to behave in a way which reflects who I am, rather than being disheartened that I seem to be seen as being less caring, less thoughtful and less kind than I would like to be.
Perhaps it comes from having a family which is close but also quite competitive. They are the greatest supporters of one another against the world, but close up things can look, and feel, quite different. Today was a birthday celebration which has been imbued with underlying tension for a while. I think that it is fair to say that I have been somewhat excluded from group plans with my siblings and the ideas that I have put forward have been either dismissed or taken over and developed into something much larger and grander than I had ever planned. I have felt like there is something there that I have been missing and it has caused me some angst in trying to manage the way that has made me feel.
I have discussed it at each step with HisLordship, who’s steadiness and support are as consistent as his surprise that this is the way people who care about each other behave. I think that from my side, being able to reassure myself that I have something bigger and something that matters more than all this nonsense has been an important crutch. For the earlier part of my life I was much more likely to turn to them emotionally and I suppose that with meeting Sir this has changed. While my extended family are important to me and I would do anything for them, it is my own family with Sir which is at the hub. Perhaps the subtlety of this shift has been felt by the rest of them, although I am not sure why it would concern them.
I think that probably a lot of it has to do with control, and I suppose I have taken the control that I allowed them to have over me in the past, and shifted that to Sir. Perhaps they feel a little put out about that and it accounts for them projecting that to make it seem that I do not care as much as the rest of them? I am not sure, but the impression I have formed is that they do think that I care less, and in reality this is not the case at all. I have tried not to rise to the comments and snips and comparisons. At times I have felt like having it all out and shouting about how I really feel and what I have really done, but under Sir’s calm influence I have not done that, and have instead adapted to new plans and ideas and tried to make the most of what is still available to me.
So today, on the Birthday, it was interesting to see that actually my quiet planning and thought got results. The gift was right, the effort and thought into the occasion was right and I am pretty sure that they came away knowing that they are very important to me and to my family. However, I have been here before and I don’t think this will change anything. Somehow there is something that is making it difficult for them to accept me on face value. I wonder if is to do with need? Some people want to be needed and I suppose that I no longer need them as I did at other points in my life. However, I think the relevant thing should be that I want them in my life as much as I ever did. I cherish times with family and think that they are important.
I feel safe. I feel happy. I know what is important to me and I will fight for that. Sir will fight for me if needs be and we will support each other when things go wrong and share in the joy when things go well. But ultimately we are pretty self-contained. We don’t have a great deal of need for support from other camps. We manage things pretty much behind closed doors so that what you see is two people moving happily forward in the same direction. I think that if any of our children find happiness like this we will be absolutely delighted for them so I do find it a little difficult to work out, but life is funny and the people in it can be even funnier, particularly those you are related to.
Sir is my rock, D/s has been our tool, and more and more I see the ways that it has changed me permeating the other areas of my life. I am so much better able to remain consistent and true to myself than I was before and for me that is definitely something the celebrate. I am also more able to brush off the confidence knocks that come along through the seeming rejection from others; I have found that by remaining true to myself and to Sir, I no longer strive as much for the approval or acceptance from others, and that is a huge and very positive step to me.
Posted in Submissive Musings.