Spotlight on Communication

I mentioned in School’s Out for the Summer that Saturday mornings are one of the scheduled times that HisLordship and I devote to honest, open discussion.  It occurred to me then that I had never really written anything about how we build this sort of communication in to our dynamic.  It is so important and is also one of the things that really changed how we worked together and although I wrote about the importance of it in my early post, Communication , I didn’t give much specific detail on how we make it work for us.
I did explain that we have found that the communication is the glue that holds the rest together. When we stop communicating well, or openly, the other elements seem to be affected. In addition, if something challenges one of the other foundations, it is only through truly open communication that we can resolve it. But it wouldn’t work well if we waited until there was a problem to solve, although I would be lying if I said that had never happened. What we have tried to do is to have certain times of the week that we talk in a focussed way. Previous to this, I had talked at times when Sir was not listening and he had not listened at times when I had something to say. This led to a feeling that I was nagging him, and a feeling for him that he was being hounded or criticised. Not conducive to harmony or positive self esteem. One of the first things I felt when we began a more structured way of talking was relief. And then I felt hugely validated. I had his undivided attention and that gave me an enormous lift.
Discussing things fully while he listened and then took responsibility for making the decisions was massive progress for us. He was suddenly an essential and integral part of what we were doing, and my contribution to the planning and thought surrounding it was valued. This just took so much of the stress away that the second guessing can bring, not to mention the feeling of unwanted responsibility and guilt or blame if things didn’t work out. We were a couple, we were together, and this was about the both of us. But I have become sidetracked again in the result, rather than in the process. As I pointed out previously, as a couple we had always talked a lot and there were no topics really off limits so we could just have said that we were fine in that area but this was about the quality focussed discussion that would keep us travelling along the same road together, not the type where you are simply informing each other where you have been, or where you want to go.
So as a minimum we will talk like this one of the mornings at the weekend (usually a Saturday) and also once during the week – usually on a Wednesday before our weekly cane session.  During this time we talk about things like what is working well, what isn’t working so well, things that we would like to do and sometimes we also talk about where we want to see our relationship go. It is sort of a dealing with issues session and also a chance to reflect back on where we have come from and to look forward to where we want to go. Clearly we don’t do all of this all every time we talk but we will combine these elements, depending on what is most relevant and significant at the time.
Although I will always try to remain respectful in the way that I speak to HisLordship during this discussion, it will be a time that I will speak much more freely and openly than I might other times. This has worked well as, rather than blurting things out as they come to mind, it will be a calmer more considered discussion than one that we might have had before so I will have thought about what I want to say and how I want to say it before we begin. He does the same and will often have some things written down that he wishes to address. Although we can be interrupted (such is life), there is a clear beginning, middle and end and Sir will take the lead and sum up the main points, especially those for action. This has led to us working much better together as we are both much clearer about the outcomes, decisions and responsibilities than we used to be.
Although we will use these structured times to reflect, evaluate and plan, either of us can and will ask for this type of discussion as and when the need arises. As with anything, it will not fit neatly into an exact package all the time as life is not always predictable, nor would we want it to be. Although I think that good, open communication is essential to the success of any relationship, how you achieve that will be a personal thing so I am not suggesting our way should be your way, I am merely offering food for thought and an insight into how we have made it work for us. As I said before, we have found that communicating in a much more structured and open way has helped to keep us on track, especially at the early stage, and it has been vital to us in building the trust that allows us to enjoy the intimacy and intensity that we want to have.

Posted in Building a D/s Dynamic and tagged , , , , .


  1. I love that you have these discussions! Communication is so important, in any dynamic. It still amazes me how D/s has changed the way that Daddy and I communicate. It has taken a lot of the “ego”, on my end, out of the discussion and I am able to understand him better.

  2. “My way or the highway” doesn’t work in real life D/s. Communication is the least glamorous and the most difficult aspect of any relationship, and it is only amplified by the bright lights of discipline. Your routine is working for you.

  3. Hmmm, I suppose my earlier comment on another post was answered before I even wrote it, you are a sage lady indeed!
    Food for thought:
    My (ex) wife always had a time to talk. If home I would try to be available when she arrived or shortly thereafter. (I am somewhat self-employed and the house is essentially my office.) As soon as practicable we would go to the bedroom and shut the door. She could talk about anything and everything until she felt that she was done. Barring emergency, we were not to be disturbed. Sometimes it was a work issue, sometimes it was a bad driver but she had that chance everytime to be heard before settling in for the evening.
    At the end of the evening she had the same once we got in bed. Twice a day, every day, she had a chance to have my time and attention. I’ve never regretted those minutes. We never fought in over two decades. When problems, challenges or risks arose we were there on the same page and ready. We didn’t need to argue because we had little that hadn’t been settled long in advance. It made a relationship easy. Sometimes it was hard to hear but it was always worthwhile.
    Doing it visibly had the side benefit of clearly broadcasting that Mommy and Daddy did this together thing actively and as a team.

    • That sounds very very similar to the way we try to manage it, although perhaps we end up with more interruptions. We talk other times about other things of course, but try to focus on what is important to us and the relationship in those designated times. We have found, like you, that there are no real arguments as those misunderstandings and the miscommunication is gone. Thank you for your insight ?

  4. Well, in fairness, you have a lot kids about.
    This is an area where large families were common not so long ago. Can’t imagine raising a dozen or more kids in a 3-4 room house of under a thousand feet but I know plenty who did it. They were always an inspiration for their love, patience and sense of calmness.

  5. Pingback: Control, Communication and Consent – submissy

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