All that glitters ……

glittersBeware the false prophets. One of the reasons I gave for starting my blog was that when I started out on this journey, I found it difficult to find reliable information about living in a D/s relationship. There was plenty erotic fiction of course, but that centred around wealthy, mind-reading Dominants who knew you were submissive before you knew yourself and who whisked you off to a classy BDSM club where a host of lovely new submissive friends waited to support you and encourage you on your journey. Not hard to find a happily ever after there! The other source of information was factual and existed on a variety of websites and non-fiction publications, but it seemed to centre around total power exchange relationships where the submissive had a contract and followed a precise set of instructions to the letter, for the time that she was with the Dominant – usually this was just for an pre-arranged evening or a weekend, which left her time to do her shopping, pay her bills, and presumably collect the kids from school. 
I found it difficult to resolve how my husband and I could embrace this dynamic fully with the busy lives that we led.  Without children, we could possibly embrace the 24/7 lifestyle I read about where, having complete my chores, I would wait patiently at home, naked and chained, ready for his return. Then the power play, kinky sex and mind fucks would begin. However, we did have children; seven of them, and I also held a full time job, had a variety of other commitments, and lived in a rural part of Scotland where I was very likely the only sub in the village. Not a BDSM club in sight, very less one where we were likely to meet other like-minded people.  So back to the internet I came, after-all, I could not be the only one.
It was actually HisLordship who found us another source of information which was really helpful for a while. I think that sometimes there is an issue around information on D/s, however. When you are talking about relationships, you are talking about people, and that means that what is right for one is not going to be right for the other. If only there were a diploma in BDSM; I could study hard, learn all that there is to know, and I could wave my qualification proudly and tell others exactly what they had to do and why. I joke of course, but this has been my experience with some of these others who would label themselves as knowing all. They can, of course, tell you what works for them but they cannot tell you what will work for you.
Sometimes in their desperation to validate themselves, I think that these ‘experts’ can confuse and isolate those looking for help and support. To have a narrow view is not healthy and it is important to remember that your needs and wants are as unique as you and your relationship. There is no one size fits all so beware of the false prophets who preach the one true way.  When you are blinded by your sub frenzy, desperate to learn and absorb all that you can as quickly as you can, it is easy to fall for something that is shiny and bright and promises to lead you to where you want to be. But all that glitters is not gold, so take it slowly and look carefully at what is behind the shine.
Of course I don’t think that any real harm can come to anyone who is drawn in by something that seems too good to be true. I have been there myself and have come out of the other side with my senses intact, but I have also met others who, like me, have wasted time pursuing something, only to be told that they ‘weren’t really (insert label here)’ or that they were ‘doing (insert kink here) wrong’.  How can you be wrong about what you like and what you want and what you feel? How can it matter if you do things in the same order and/or the same way as another couple? Surely variety is the spice of life and I think that D/s adds a pretty spicy coating to most relationships?
So I think my point is that if you are starting out in this dynamic, then I would recommend researching and reading and talking to people from as many different sources as you can. Having done that, take the bits that seem to work and you think will fit into the relationship that you already have, and leave the ones that won’t work for you. If you want it to be sustainable, then it has to be something that has a purpose or a meaning for you. Just because the next person may do it differently, does not mean that you are right and they are wrong or vice versa. I have been fortunate on this journey to have found more wise men carrying gifts, than I have done fools promising pots of gold, but I have seen plenty of them and, on occasion, have begun to follow them to the end of the rainbow.
I hate labels as they require a definition, and that can seem to push you down a road where you, or others, use them to make you feel like you have to be a certain way to wear the badge. Having said that, there are lots of great blogs out there which give a realistic view of life within a relationship which is considered by the author to be D/s, DD, TTWD or whatever you want to call it. They are all different, as you would expect, so I would recommend that you read and get a flavour of what you think you would or wouldn’t like, and what you think would or wouldn’t, work for you. Being open to difference is so important if you want to discover more about yourself, and so rather than suggesting that you follow me on The One True Way to Eden, I would suggest following a couple of blogs and finding Your Own Way.

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , .


  1. One size does not fit all. So many different flavors that make up what I have with my curvey. It takes time to explore then all. We are in no hurry. It takes time for the ingredients in the pot to combine at the right temperature to produce the delicate flavors we enjoy.

    • Yes I am not sure we will ever be done with exploring and learning and growing. That is part of the beauty of it I think ?

  2. Thank you for sharing this, missy! I too have felt this way and realized a few weeks ago that what may be right for the person telling it to me, doesn’t mean it is right for me or my dynamic with my Daddy. Yes, there may be commonalities, but there are also differences…and that is okay! D/s is certainly not a one size fits all. I love having WordPress as an outlet to discuss DD and D/s dynamics, but you make an excellent point about finding various sources of information. Keep on spreading the word, missy! You articulate your thoughts beautifully 🙂

    • Awww thank you Nora. You are always so kind. I think that chatting to others again has got me thinking! I love that we all do different things and that is what makes it so interesting. We are hoping to have a chat on resources soon so that will be interesting.

      • Yes, that sounds great! I am sorry that I have not participated. Daddy has requested that I limit my interactions with others regarding D/s to WordPress only as he likes to monitor my activities. But I hope to get to read about the chat you all have!

  3. There is a reason why romance novels and self-help books are so popular. All of us fall into the trap of believing that someone [better looking, more successful, wealthier or simply with a bigger megaphone] has the definitive answer to all our problems. There are legitimate reasons to seek out information; medical, family, education, diet etc, but that knowledge gleaned has to be filtered not only from the source, but through your own screen of experience. If—as we shout loudly—we are all unique individuals tramping a lonely path through the wilderness, then why do we seem to want to herd together in clumps of consumers rushing for the latest and greatest? D/s has become slightly trendy in certain aspects, and like all trends, is self-regulated down to the lowest common denominator by the masses. The gurus distill the vast playground of diversity into a pithy 45-minute DVD that allows the uninitiated to tap into their inner Dom… or sub… but it’s the Doms who have all the money. Subs just perch pertly on their derrières, well spanked of course, and bat eyelashes while waiting breathlessly for their prince to ride up on his horse. Real life doesn’t sell books or movies, and the messy truth of D/s is brushed aside with the rejoinder that ‘obviously you aren’t doing it right.’ There is label for that attitude: Hubris. One label that all the glitter in the world won’t clean up after a sick child at 3 o’clock in the morning.

  4. Bravo Missy! subtastic post and loved reading it. D/s has no dollar value on it, rich, mid-class or if you poor and just making ends meet day to day. If you live in the real world you find that your D/s is made to fit around you and your spouse no one else. It can be a never ending journey or you can stop at any point and say this is all I need or want. It’s like a rainbow of colors where you can shade in an color you want your D/s to be or erases it and start again. There is no one shade fits all or stay within the lines that are drawn…it’s your choice how you create your D/s to be. ♥

  5. Nice post Missy. I’m impressed with 7 kids–I have 4 and that can be a handful. Although we’re usually down to one left. He is worth 3 all on his own–at least. Heading out but wanted to say at least this much first.

    • Thank you. It is a busy house and always changing. On the seemingly rare occasion there will be just the two of us but usually there are are more and it changes depending on the day of the week. It was a bit overwhelming at the start but we are used to it now and we enjoy the buzz. ?

  6. This was absolutely amazing. Thank you for writing this.
    I did laugh partway through, that maybe the reason you’ve come through those scenes relatively unscathed is because you are uniquely immune to the ‘No True Scotsman’ fallacy. 😀 😀 😀

    • Well when you marry an Englishman in a kilt you have to keep your wits about you ?. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

  7. That last comment regarding your marriage made me smile.
    These relationships are unique just as any other form would be. As diverse as they may be though, I feel some things should also be universal among them. A big example is communication. There isn’t a “right way” but a sub should not trust a dominant who won’t permit or dismisses a discussion regarding “their way”.
    Hopefully the better bond for y’all saw a byproduct of a stronger home for them. That is a good bonus.

    • Very true. I guess there will always be the important foundations that everyone has, but you all have your own take or slant on it so it may look slightly different although the principle is the same. ?

  8. Pingback: Fantasies, Fairytales and Fisting – submissy

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