Since writing All about the sex? where I explained that although sex is part of our dynamic, there are other key parts too that I feel can sometimes be overlooked, a couple of conversations and a couple of comments have made me think a bit more about sex and the role it plays in our relationship. I think the post came as a reaction to some people who seem to judge D/s by how much play there is, the sort of kinks you are into and the duration and frequency of the scenes that you have. I suppose I wanted to be clear that the way we would measure things ourselves would be to look at the foundations – communication, respect, honesty and trust – as that is what brings about the intimacy and strong connection that we feel both emotionally and physically.
Having said that, sex and the physical side does play a huge part in fuelling that connection. Whether it is actual sex itself or not, engaging one another in the erotic is a large part of our power exchange. Feeling sexy and feeling submissive go hand in hand for me. It is not to say that I am not submissive without it, but it does increase the feeling of wanting to submit and also fuels my imagination, so that I can be more active with it. Collaredmichael explained in his comment, “Sex is always at the forefront of my mind. It drives our relationship in some ways. And yet it really is more about the power exchange. When my Queen exerts her power I feel a sexual charge. There may not be any actual sexual behaviour happening but her dominance over me has a sexual effect.”
I would definitely agree with this; where the rather quieter period recently has left us feeling close and connected but just happily Ticking Along , the sexual aspect will help to create the fire and the passion and the almost desperate physical need that we can feel for one another sometimes. When this happens, the relationship seems to move to a different level and the erotic back and forth seems to deepen and intensify both the physical and the emotional. I in no way want to down play this, as it is the thing that first drew me in and is the thing that I feel helps my relationship with HisLordship to stand out against all others. It creates a connection that is almost tangible and that others can see, although I know that they aren’t sure what it is or why it exists.
I think that collaredmichael’s description of it as a charge is an apt one and it is not only enjoyable but it is also has a somewhat addictive quality. It brings you in and keeps you there and leaves you craving more of those highs. In that state things which are not sexual per se can take on a different edge so that just being around each other becomes something that makes you feel that you are still part of the the heat and excitement of a new relationship. Lurvspanking commented that for some,”spanking itself is sex but doesn’t necessarily lead to sex… if that makes sense.” This is what I think is hard to explain to people, that the erotic charge of the act itself becomes part of the connection between you. It forms part of the power exchanged and is part of a series of acts which make up a, sometimes vastly extended, sort of forplay which keeps you engaged in the intimacy with each other.
‘More about the sex’ is not me saying that I think D/s is more about sex than about the other things; it is me thinking more deeply about the sex and the part it plays. I think that in a married or long term D/s then there has to be emphasis on all parts of the relationship, the physical, the mental, the emotional and so on, for it to work well. If you ensure that you are thinking about the other person and their needs in all of these areas then you both reap the benefits and will feel happier, stronger, and more connected because of it. At times our relationship will be more sexual than at others; that is normal as family, health, work and other commitments will play a part. We have found that we adapt to cope with this and accept that sometimes there is just more time, energy or opportunity for play and scene than at others. We don’t see this as being less D/s or more D/s than at any other time, it is just a fact, but we do need the sexual aspect to our relationship; we are both sexual people and it is a big part of how we engage with each other.
More about the sex
Posted in Play, Scenes and Kink, Submissive Musings and tagged Dominantion, power-exchange, relationship, sex, submission.
I think the problem is too much stimulation. I know, I know, blame social media and old-fashioned books for whipping up people into a lather about not having enough sex. The fact is though, most people in well off countries, have lots more sex than our ancestors did. Not to mention the toys!!!!! You can have a D/s relationship w/o sex either married or not. The extra kick D/s provides to sexual acts is a very strong lure for those that wish to try something a little spicier. Where the confusion lies, is trying to maintain a 24/7 D/s relationship that does not have a sexual base. In that case, sex is intrinsic to the dynamic rather than being something tried once and awhile. If you are a submissive who is available to their Dom all the time, then sex is only one of several components, and not necessarily the most vital one. Sex is not the entire cake, but it’s more than just frosting.
I like the erotic author blaming the media for whipping us up into a lather. You are right with what you say about it not having to be about sex but I think that the sexual energy is often part of it. Maybe it is one of those layer cakes with icing in between each sponge?
Or chocolate? My mother used to make a meringue layer cake with chocolate filling between and spread as frosting, then dark chocolate shaved curls all around. Back in the calories didn’t exist. 😉
That sounds lovely – do you have the recipe?
We have lives. Unfortunately they prevent us from having sex as often as we would like. But when we have time to ourselves, it’s “gloves off” passion. I never worry about what others say. I only worry about my Queen. If she’s happy then all is good. I would love sex everyday likely more than once! But in our house, I have no say. So I just try to be ready whenever she is. That works for us!
We are much the same. Its hot to always be ready though – like being available all of the time even if I am not required all of the time.
It is indeed. Angus stirs in his cage anytime I am verbally accosted and teased. It makes life fun!
Pingback: Roller coasters and lady bits | Journey to Submission
Pingback: Journey to Submission