Yesterday was interesting. Sir and I had the chat that I referred to in my last post about how we wanted to use the time over the next few weeks to work on some of the areas of our D/s that we would like to develop. We talked a lot about being spontaneous and about the fact that I wanted him to make more demands of me. Through discussion we came to realise that this was as much about the physical part of the power exchange as it was about the other parts, which actually brought me to another post. However, this post is about what happened when he put this into play and why it is that I need to spend some time on getting my head where we both want it to be.
Much of the morning had been spent talking and then shopping. We had just had lunch and I was chatting to friends on google when he said, “Tell your friends goodbye and go upstairs please.” I began to type my farewell when he added, “We have a little bit of time before the kids are home and I think you I’d like to spank you.” I admit I was a little thrown as we have been keeping to quite a predictable routine for the last few weeks but this was what I had asked for and I was glad that he was so quickly taking it on board. It felt good to be back where we were a bit, and I always enjoy the closeness of being over his knee. As for the spanking it felt harder than sometimes and I was disappointed in myself that I had not been able to get with the moment more completely than I did.
When things are good, I think that you both become part of the event itself. It absorbs you and draws you in and you become something together. Sometimes that does not happen as easily and I can feel more on the surface of what is happening. From experience, I think that this can happen with Sir too. Sometimes you just don’t get the complete connection that you hope for, and when we think about it then usually there is a reason for that. Often just by acknowledging it we are able to move past it. In the early stages it threw us a bit and we could become derailed but now we find it easier to accept that this will happen now and then, and address whatever it is that has caused it.
When I stopped to think about why I had not been able to let go and enjoy my spanking interlude as deeply as I had hoped, I realised that I was still in the process of de-stressing. I think that probably I had rushed into trying to be the person I wanted to be without the resources or the energy to apply to it. My head was still all wrong. Later on I realised that actually I was still running to catch up even though my wheel had stopped turning. I was still in the head space of busy weekend before the week begins again and I needed to be holiday missy. Where was that pleasure seeking girl who wanted nothing more to please her Sir and have a pink bottom?
As the realisation hit, I felt a rush of emotion and a feeling of release. I needed to quiet my mind and let my body go, and just knowing that made the doing of it easier. Like the person whose fists are still clenched long after the need to hold on is gone, if I just stopped running the wheel would stop. Easy when you know that is what you have been doing, not so easy when you are caught up just getting on with it. Fortunately the afternoon spanking session has ended with a promise that the new glass toys had arrived and my bottom would be receiving a different form of attention later on.
So take two and I was relaxed and ready. My head had stopped with the questions and the thoughts; gone was the rush of what felt like the whole of last year, and I felt excited and ready. I was able to let go really quickly and enjoy what was happening; to focus on the touch and the sensations and think about nothing more than being in the here and now. It was perfect, up until the point that someone came home earlier than expected – seems to keep happening at the moment – but even then I seemed to float through in a world where I felt comfortable and un-phased by things.
And so even when things don’t turn out as expected, it can still be a useful part of the process. I felt bad that I hadn’t embraced my spanking as fully as I would have liked, and yet it was part of the warm up of getting me to where I wanted to be for the play that was coming later. I think that this is so often the case and that it is essential to think about what happens and why. The honesty of D/s is not only with each other but also with yourself. There is a lot of thought and reflection and looking at why things might not have worked as you had thought, and of taking some responsibility for trying to move things forward, either by sharing your discovery, or by taking action to avoid a re-occurrence.
I m fortunate to be with a husband who has been here before. I am sure he sees the behaviour patterns clearer than I do and he has a plan of action in order to address them. So as the stress slowly drains from me, he will support me and claim me as his. I expect that probably the new glass anal dildo that arrived earlier in the week, and was used so effectively in his claiming last night, is just a small part of his cunning plan. Bring it on Sir; I am ready and I am yours.