All about the sex?

DsIs it all about the sex-
I guess that the truth is: sex sells. And in our society that seems to be the case whether you are selling a car, a bottle of perfume, an ice-cream, or a relationship. If you look around you, it is often difficult to separate the sexy images from the product they are advertising, and if you are to search online for images to do with Domination and submission, plenty will depict sexy looking people in suggestive poses wearing nothing more than a set of cuffs or a collar, seemingly about to engage in the best sex of their lives. Now I would be lying if I did not admit that I too have engaged in the best sex I have ever had since embarking upon this journey, but really that is only a part of what I think that this thing is about. 
I think that these sort of images appeal to people. They are very visual and tell a story of what might be, and we all like a fairy-tale after all. But as an image has only two dimensions, so would a relationship which was based only on sex. Perhaps the more mundane give and take of a relationship is not sexy, but it is real. You have only to search a little further than these images to find writing from people who are living such dynamics, to learn that there is an awful lot more going on in building and sustaining such a relationship, than simply the kink and the play. I don’t think the media helps and the associations with BDSM seem to extend from the dangerous play of deviant kinksters in the leather scene, to the darker more erotic sexual encounters of the heroes and heroines in the fiction novels. As we know, neither is accurate, and neither is the myth that it is all about the sex.
I would argue, however, that it is not just what is shown in the media, but also the posts from people claiming to be in such relationships on twitter, Instagram, tumblr etc which help to create this impression. I can see that these images are attractive and stir something inside people, but they also create a pretty false view of what it is actually about. Sex and play can form an important part of a power exchange relationship but it cannot exist in isolation and I think that if you read any of the blogs or accounts written by people who are actually doing this thing, then that would become clear.
Since beginning my blog at the end of July last year, I have posted 160 posts, 161 including this one.  Of those, only 35 have been in my Play Scenes and Kink category, which I think is probably pretty indicative of how I see the relationship. The rest of the posts have been about building a D/s dynamic, my thoughts on aspects of D/s relationships, or journal style entries which detail my journey so far. Now I could become paranoid and worry that we are not having as much wild kinky play as the next couple, but I think that in all likelihood we are pretty representative. I suppose I should qualify that by saying that we are pretty representative of a married D/s couple at our age and stage, as I do know that most of the vanilla couples we socialise with would spit out their chablis in shock if they even knew the half of it.
It is hard not to compare as it is part of what comes naturally. It is what we do to evaluate and reflect and make changes and move forward in life. But I think that it is important to keep those comparisons in check and make sure that you are comparing, firstly like for like, and secondly against a trustworthy measure. Someone else’s presentation may sometimes be shaped more by what they want to have than what they actually have, and as with everything in life, it is important to look carefully and try to make sure that what you are seeing is real. I think that with a relationship it is important not to compare it against anything other than itself. Is it what you want? Is it making you happy? Are you growing together within it?
Sex is fun and it is a key part of the way that we express ourselves and our feelings for each other, but it is certainly not the only way. In a Dominant submissive relationship, the highs of the sex and the boundaries that you push together will often be more than you may have had in a vanilla relationship, but so will all the other aspects too. You will have a deeper level of intimacy and a greater emotional need. A deeper trust in each other and a greater sense of vulnerability. A deeper understanding of each other and a greater level of communication. Along side that may run the best, most exciting sex you have ever had, but without the other elements, I do not think that would be sustainable. I know that I am preaching to the converted here; you are reading my blog after all, but in the absence of an offer of mind-blowing kinky sex, I thought I would sit with a nice cup of tea and write about this instead. Glamorous and sexy it is not, but reality it is.

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , .


  1. Well said, missy! I often wonder if half of what I read on here is true. No way to know, I suppose. I would be curious to see how many of my 101 posts are about sex…my categories of posts would probably be: D/s and DD, spanking fiction, and kinky sex. Interesting topic you have brought to light, thank you?

    • It is a popular topic and I think that spanking is probably a big part of establishing your new dynamic. It may change over time but I think it features a lot in many of the DD relationships. I see it as a good thing.

  2. Subtastic post Missy! I think it’s a 50/50 toss up out here on the internet on what’s true and what’s not true. I found the truer sites on D/s talk about mental connection, the emotional aspects, the intimacy between partners, the vulnerability, and the flows and ebbs of the journey. I find the ones that just talk about the sex aspect only are likely not a lifestyle.

  3. Excellent post Missy. As you know Kat and I continually try to stress the foundations of the relationship as much as the fun that can be attained through D/s.

  4. Funny enough, I’ve never considered D/s to be about sex. In fact, to me, spanking itself is sex but doesn’t necessarily lead to sex… if that makes sense.

    • I agree with you and that is why we are friends. You are one of the voices of reason in amongst all of the other stuff that I try to shut out ?

  5. Hmmm you always make me think. Sex is always at the forefront of my mind. It drives our relationship in some ways. And yet it really is more about the power exchange. When my Queen exerts her power I feel a sexual charge. There may not be any actual sexual behaviour happening but her dominance over me has a sexual effect. I need to think about this some more!

    • For someone who is going without an orgasm for as long as you are and is embracing that I think there must be a lot more to it for both of you. It is a really interesting thing. I think maybe men are more physical and women more emotional and yet you have chosen to heighten things by denying yourself that release. It is fascinating.

  6. Well said. I think it’s also good to remember that we tend to compare others’ highlight clips against our own blooper reels. So even if you’re comparing like to like and against a trustwotrhy person, remember that you’re comparing everythng you know about yourself to the part of themselves that they feel proudest, or at least most comfortable, sharing.

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