When real life interferes with your D/s

When life interferes with your D_sI sort of feel it may be more appropriate to ask when real life doesn’t interfere with our D/s!  I think from the very beginning, well at least after the first week, things started to get in the way of what we wanted to do and where we wanted to take this.  But with full-time work, a large family, friends and other commitments, to expect time to immerse ourselves in this new-found dynamic was always a little ambitious. In fact, it was partly because life kept getting in the way that we made the move early on to commit to, (for want of a better term), a 24/ D/s lifestyle .
From smallish logistic issues like kids deciding to stay at home when you thought they were going to be away, to bigger challenges such as the loss of a job which meant a complete change in roles at home, our D/s has certainly been put to the test.  And from those I speak to in similar relationships, this is nothing out of the ordinary. From the very beginning things happened that put a spanner in the works but I have found that when things come along which challenge the structure and routine that D/s has put around you, the best way to deal with this is to fall back on the structure and routine that D/s puts around you! This may seem impossible at the time, but really that is what we have tried to do and what has worked to keep us, not just in the dynamic, but also closer together.
Even as I sit here today, the promise of being ‘dealt with properly tonight’, has been replaced with the reality of an early morning phone-call which has necessitated Sir making an unplanned trip to visit his parents, where he will be until Thursday. Not only is our session tonight off the cards, so is our regular downtime and caning which was scheduled for Wednesday.  Such is life and the hand we are dealt. Meeting someone’s needs is an ever shifting goal as needs will change and grow and alter as the hours of the day pass, so to be adaptable is everything. It is a fact, though, that if you are communicating and sharing your feelings and thinking of each other, then your needs will pretty much shift and change together.  Your goal becomes a shared goal, your problem a shared problem, and the solution or resolution becomes one that you both buy into.
Sir and I really value our family, so a lot of the things that interfere with our D/s are to do with them. The ex who is intent on putting obstacles in the way at every turn but must be humoured for the sake of the kids, the kids who need support or help with school, friends or general teenage angst, and the restrictions on time alone and privacy that come from the logistics of enjoying a family of 7 children.  So you can probably see why, for us, it is easier to count the times when things have not interfered with our D/s! However, the most important thing for us has been the ability to keep our mindsets, for if you are able to do this, then I think the D/s will keep going and keep you floating along rather than pushing you under.
Keeping perspective is another thing that helps. It can be hard to do this when you read about the lives of other couples, but Sir and I did not enter into this expecting me to be naked and at his feet, or tied up as his sex slave, all day long. By 24/7, we knew it was more about weaving the dynamic through all aspects of our marriage, than about completely changing the face of our lifestyle. Therefore, we never expected to be actively submissive or actively Dominant all of the time; obviously we have to sleep and to work and to make the dinner and clean the house.  What we have striven for is the ability to keep in the right mindset so that we can step it up and pull it back as and when required, and I think that helps to add to the feeling that we are ‘still doing it,’ even if something has meant that we are not able to do it as much or in the way that we had planned.
This past year has certainly felt like there has been no let up and the biggest challenge has been the change in Sir’s work and way that has altered our roles. We have gone from him being the main breadwinner and me taking care of most of the home things, to him being at home and taking on the lion’s share of that, while I am the main earner. We have made this work and essentially have done this by leaning back on our D/s but it hasn’t been easy and at times I have doubted we could do it.  I think that a loss of control over your own personal circumstances can have a huge effect on a Dom and while you know that the answer is to take more control in the areas you can, when your confidence is knocked, this can be harder to achieve than it should be, so it has meant me giving control more openly until we could get back on an even keel again.
I do know that even within the work situation we are destined for further changes; with that will come further challenges and new waters to navigate, but I firmly believe that we can achieve this.  As I said, it has not been easy, but I really think that it has been easier than it would have been without the structure of the D/s to fall back on.  It has kept us on the same page where our new situations could have pushed us apart, and it has kept us feeling lucky and grateful to have what we do when we might otherwise have focussed on some of the things we had lost. So really all is good.  I think that honestly real life can interfere with the appearance of your D/s, but if you keep doing the things you are meant to be doing, it will not really be able to affect its foundations.
From the Loving BDSM 30 days of D/s prompt

Posted in Submissive Journal and tagged , , , , .


  1. I love every bit of this and have experienced my own version of this since the beginning of our 24/7 status. When I can’t rely on the acts (of D/s or kink), I defer to him more and look to him as the leader. It’s not everything I want but it can be enough. 🙂

    • Yes that’s it. Life can seem to push you away from it but what you need is to turn to it more and I do think that one of you can keep that going until the other is able to be more actively engaged again. “It’s not everything I want but it can be enough” – unfortunately that can be reality sometimes I think but as long as you don’t give up you will keep the flame lit.

  2. I love this, too, and we have experienced our own version as well. Kayla said it well, in that when circumstances make some of the rituals and plans impossible, I defer to him more often, and also try to anticipate his needs at a greater level, asking where I can help. He does the same for me when circumstances fall in my lap, and I’m overwhelmed. Falling back on the foundational structure is what gets us through.

  3. Pingback: Limits, Labels and Life – submissy

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