discipline and punishment

Discipline and Punishment

For me, and for us, punishment has never been a big part of our relationship. I have been thinking about that a lot lately as a number of the blogs I follow are actually focussed on Domestic Discipline and punishment seems to be a really key part for many of them.  I know that for lots of submissives this is also the case so I had already been thinking about why it might be less significant for us even before I received this timely prompt to reflect upon it.  It is actually quite funny to find myself saying that punishment is not a key part for us, because I can remember when I first met Sir and he was talking one day early on and he told me that it seemed I required some discipline! I fantasised about that for so long after and even playing around with the word in my head struck a chord and seemed to turn me on. But now that I am actually here, I find that contrary to the fantasies of my past, I want to be good, I want to please, and I want my pain to be part of my pleasure and not my punishment.

In the same way that I can enjoy pain, I also find some forms of humiliation a turn on. These things can be intensely erotic for me and so are not something which we have ever chosen to use for ‘serious punishment’. We have talked about punishments which don’t tread on the toes of our kink and discussed such things as corner time, journaling or other specific acts of service. While I do enjoy pleasing Sir and doing things for him, I am not a service sub and see chores simply as things which have to be done, rather than being something I actually enjoy, so those are all options. Initially we tried different things but most of the infractions were dealt with via communication and maybe a ‘funishment’ to follow, or by a reset if we felt that my behaviour had impacted on the dynamic or on either of our mindsets in a way which meant it was better to be addressed.

To have your focus on making another person happy and to try to uphold a set of rules and rituals because you have both agreed that they are important has made everything different for me. Realising that I have failed in one of these areas really is a punishment in itself. I feel huge disappointment in myself even without seeing Sir’s disappointment in me so, for the most part, I make sure that I try my best. I have no desire to be ‘bratty’ and push him in order to get some attention. If I need attention then I can ask for it in a respectful way. For me it is one of the beauties of D/s that we can exist much more harmoniously than before. I realise that for many couples punishment makes up an important part but for us it just doesn’t feature as much.

This doesn’t mean that punishment never happens, because it does. Sometimes that is what is what is required but others I will request it because I feel that is what I need. I can find it hard to move on from things when I feel that I have messed up and punishment is good for helping to draw a line beneath something.   Sir tends to instigate punishments less than I do though and I think that this could be down to his nature. He likes to be respected and treated in a respectful way but he is more of a nurturing than a controlling Dom. He is a natural leader and likes to be in control and to make decisions but he does this in a way which is subtle rather than in your face. He does have expectations and wants those to be met but he listens and is understanding when things come between me and my intentions. I also think that as a couple we have always discussed things and even with the kids we would tend to use restorative, rather than punitive ways of managing, so it is difficult sometimes to expect him to take a different approach with me.

I think that ultimately, punishment is like everything else and has to fit with the people you are and the dynamic that you have. One size will not fit all and  and that is fine as long as you can find a size which is a comfortable fit for you. We seem to mange with a less formal or rigorous use of punishments than some but things can change at certain times. If we are in our high protocol collar time then there will be very clear instructions given and any infraction from that, no matter how serious or how small, would be met with a punishment. Whereas when we are in our lower protocol times where we are juggling family and work and life, then we have a more relaxed view about how and when duties are carried out and that suits us.  I think that whatever you choose to do, as long as you are clear and consistent in setting expectations, demands and subsequent punishments, then it is easy enough to be successful. By aiming to please and meet the needs of the other you should be able to find a level of punishment which supports, reinforces and enhances your dynamic.

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , .


  1. I love this. Your “relationship” with punishment sounds a lot like mine and JBs. I often feel worse of breaking a rule than any punishment he can give me so I do my best to not break a rule.

    • Thank you. Trying not to compare myself to others in my own head was a bit of an issue for me at the start and sometimes I assumed that I was not doing things ‘right’ so it is always reassuring to find others who are similar to ourselves. I think in many 24/7 relationships it has to be more flexible and less prescriptive or it will not be adaptable and sustainable for couples and it is great that there are more blogs and sites out there promoting that sort of interpretation. Thank you for commenting and for sending me the prompt ?

  2. Thanks for sharing. I tend to feel the same about “punishment” often being too erotic to be useful, and, for me, I think true punishment is most useful for deliberate disrespect/disobedience. That is not typically the case for us and, when it is, it’s usually a cue to check in with each other and our relationships, feelings, etc. and talk through it. Punishment may be helpful after the fact, but sitting down and talking through it as adults is more important for us in our relationship.

    • Thank for commenting Kevin. I think the point you make about deliberate disrespect or disobedience being a cue for a check in about things is spot on and a really important thing for us all to remember. ?

  3. Each to their own! Punishment or lack thereof is a tool used to enhance some relationships. If you don’t need it that doesn’t negate the quality of your relationship. It doesn’t make what you have and do invalid. And honestly, punishment is always great in fantasy while in reality it is unpleasant at best! Still I like what it does for our relationship!

    • I guess it is part of the subtleties that make up the dynamic for each couple which is why we all need/want different things but it is always interesting to hear how it works for others. Thank you for adding your perspective ?

    • I think that as long as you stick to your limits and try something that you find erotic like spanking perhaps it can be amazing. At the start Sir used to check in with me during and ask me to rate the pain and the pleasure on a scale of 1-5 so that he could tell where I was. It takes a while to work out your limits and his strength but once you have …….. ?

  4. Very thought provoking and interesting. Punishment and discipline are so very different yet so many people think they are one and the same! For myself, it’s far worse for me to feel that I have disappointed my man or that he is upset with me, than to receive any form of punishment. Discipline is something that I enjoy and look forward to…..

    • Yes there can be a very sexy edge to discipline and the training part of it. Ultimately the reward of knowing that you are going to please too of course.

  5. First of all, happy birthday to His Lordship and hope that your time away was filled with love and happiness. I would assume that you received his birthday spanking in good cheer. Over the knee, plus one to grown on. 🙂
    One of the first essays I did was about the differences between discipline and punishment. For some reason people don’t like making the connection between being disciplined in the sense of an athlete or student who trains and studies to reach goals, and the disciplined submissive who strives to better his/her life through adherence to their Dom. Is there an actually difference between a coach or manager making a player run extra laps or lift weights, and the Dom who orders a sub to spend some time cleaning or standing at attention in the nude?
    To me, punishment has always fallen into two general categories: Breaking a rule deliberately or during an erotic role play or scene.

  6. Sounds very similar to us as well! I don’t receive them often, and M’s nature is similar to HisLorship’s. When I do, it’s because I truly disappointed him or he is correcting something he feels needs to be addressed in order to make an impact in going forward. I am to please! And we communicate our way through the smaller mishaps. His too!
    Thanks for sharing that, Missy.

    • It is always nice when you realise lots of couples have similar dynamics. Maybe it is more part of DD rather than D/s although I’d like to know how others feel about it. I always worry it would make me angry and resentful rather than humble and contrite.

      • I have read others who incorporate it and it seems to work. For me, it’s all about addressing the issue when there is one, and consistency. It’s not necessarily about how it’s addressed, although we’ve had some hiccups regarding that. We’ve had hiccups regarding what’s addressed as well. I have always acquiesced to the punishment, even when I didn’t agree, but I also always voiced why I didn’t agree. We talk it through. Doesn’t mean it changes his mind! Lol. But he hears me, and explains himself so I understand. Luckily, punishment doesn’t happen often. If it did, and that’s how issues were addressed, or every tiny thing I did was scrutinized on that level, I think I’d feel angry and resentful, too. We built a foundation of regard and gratitude for one another’s efforts through the day, in all areas of life, and I think that would erode at that!

  7. When we first started looking into D/s I ran across DD sites. I struggle to be self disciplined in my household chores and asked for help in this area. After thinking about it and discussing it with my husband I asked to be physically corrected because my childhood was filled with listening to my father lengthily lecture and berate my brother as a way to correct him; it didn’t change my brother’s behavior, it only made him feel ashamed and like a failure. It’s rare that I receive physical punishment because Sir knows how I strive to please him. I know that some feel closer after a physical punishment as it’s a very intimate interaction for both parties; Sir and I certainly do. Being accountable to or for someone in a loving relationship can also increase intimacy and closeness. I’ve heard a lot of DD subs crave and appreciate the watchful care their partners take for them, they feel their efforts are receiving more attention and are more greatly appreciated. I have also heard from those that don’t incorporate punishments that they would feel a lack of trust in accomplishing their own tasks. So it really depends on the individuals whether they find punishments & a partner’s disciplinary efforts to be beneficial or detrimental.

    • Thank you for sharing that beth. Bringing closeness and intimacy is definitely what it is all about so really whichever way you go about creating that, it is always going to be a good thing. It sounds like you have a nice balance.

  8. This is very true of MrH and my D/s relationship. I desperately do not want to make him cross with me, and for me the when I do stray towards the line of being naughty since we started our D/s relationship Sir simply give me ‘the look’ and I know I am wandering towards being naughty and I immediately correct my behaviour – I have no desire to be ‘punished’ or ‘disappoint’ him. I want any physical interaction to be pleasurable and so does MrH. I have sometimes found that when I have felt ‘less’ in some way when this has come up with other subs because MrH and I do not have this kind of ‘punishment’ in our relationship – as if we are not really D/s because this isn’t a major part of our dynamic – so it is very refreshing to read this and know we are not alone!

    • Ahhhh. The problems of the one true way. I have experienced that too and am glad now that I have found a group of people who are not prescriptive in their views of how it ‘should’ be done. Stick to what works for you ?. Thanks for commenting.

  9. Pingback: Dominance, Drop and and Discipline – submissy

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.