It's all in the head – the psychological side of sex

brain (2)
I think that for many couples, the way that each of them becomes aroused can be very different.  With us, that is definitely the case as HisLordship is much more turned on by the physical and I am much more likely to be stimulated by the psychological aspects. For me, it really is all in my head, or a lot of it is anyway. This difference can be seen through our approach to sex too as he will tend to seek an emotional connection through sex, whereas I will tend to seek sex more when I feel there is already a strong emotional connection. I think that for some couples this can make things hard and that is why the D/s works well as the physical and emotional connections are continually being reinforced through the power exchange, so both are present and the two aspects become much more entwined than in the type of relationship that we had before. 
There have been a couple of comments on recent posts that relate to the fact that I tend to examine the psychological as well as the physical. I guess that is because, for me, it is such an important part.  In a dynamic which is based on a power exchange then the success is pretty much dependent on the psychological side. The stimulation takes place in my head as much as it does in my body and it is only really by shifting into the right sort of mindset, that I am able to really let go and experience the physical the way it should be. Without it, I am a little stuck with the constant whirl of thoughts and ideas that occupy my mind and distract me from just feeling.  The physical stimulation alone is somehow not enough to keep my complete focus until it takes hold, in the way that it does for Sir. In simple terms, if I engage his cock then his mind will follow, whereas he has to engage my mind to take control of my clit.  This is probably a big part of the reason why, for me, vanilla sex never really pressed the same buttons.
In the same way that I do not respond as quickly to purely physical stimulation, I am also much less likely to feel aroused by visual stimulation, so prefer erotica to porn.  I would say that Sir is the other way around and I think that this is often typical of males and females. He can become quickly aroused by something he has seen whereas for me, it would usually take much more than just seeing an image of something to really get me going. Where looking at pictures etc will leave me feeling luke warm, something where I can see a relationship play out will engage my attention and start a spark in my mind which is waiting to be lit. Where my body does not immediately switch on to something that I have seen, the seed of a thought can quickly start those wheels in motion.
For me it is also really important that I feel sexually desired. If I don’t feel that desire then I am less likely to want to have sex. I always found that relationships were good in this way to begin with where you had that  ‘new relationship energy’ but as their hot desire, their attentiveness and their need to have me faded, so did much of the momentum for the physical side of the relationship.  However, a D/s relationships works to counteract this on a number of levels.  Firstly, the attentiveness is continually being reaffirmed through the recognition of the rules and rituals that I carry out. Secondly, the communication means that I am aware that I am someone who is desired on a sexual level and in other ways. And thirdly, the fact that I am to respond to and meet the needs of my Dom means that even if I am not aroused at the beginning, I am drawn into it and my arousal soon follows.
Basically it is a win win for me and for Sir. My agreement to put him before me means that the endless questions inside my own head are quietened and a more assured and louder voice takes over. My head engages and my body follows in its own time, rather than my head leading me somewhere else and my body becoming confused as to where it was going and giving up a bit. In a nutshell, I want him to want me and to stimulate me erotically to feel real arousal, and when he does this, I am met with an overwhelming desire for him which I want to express in a very physical way. My desire for him really is simple: it is about his words, his presence, his attention, his actions, and his body.  It is about him and all of him and about how he makes me feel; it really is much more about what is in my head than what is in my knickers, although for him, I know that a nice pair of knickers really can do the trick.

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , , .


  1. I think there are some parallels in my relationship with my wife. I am attracted visually perhaps more than she but she does like the visual. I often read erotica to her. Usually the erotica doesn’t work well for me but the act of reading it to her does. She tends to crave physical attention when we are close emotionally whereas I tend to crave it always. lol

    • Thank you for sharing ? we have not actually tried reading erotica to each other so maybe that is something to think about. We tend to use the communication to highlight and tease out the erotic within the scene or play.

  2. Psychological studies back up this gender difference. Approximately 85-90% of male-female couples show similar traits: the males are singularly focused, logically based, and visually stimulated; while the females are collectively focused, multi-faceted, and emotionally driven.
    Another good post, Missy. — AJT & kat

    • Wow those statistics are quite high aren’t they? It seems strange that even though that is the case, many couples don’t seem to use that to arouse their partner in the way that works best for them. Lots of the vanilla couples I know laugh and joke about us being in the ‘honeymoon period’ and don’t seem to see that it is perfectly possible to keep the desire and sexual energy between you if you use it in a way that means you are feeding each other.

      • Very true, Missy. Kat and I have encountered the same. Our relationship seems far more playful and in-tune with each other than anyone else we know because we accept each other as we are, and play off our natural personality traits.

  3. It’s interesting how I am both in nearly equal measure. I am very visual, but at the same time, the written word, or thinking about a scene also serves to get in the mood.

    • That is probably why you are so successful as a writer and are versatile enough to be able to write from both the male and female perspective.

  4. Pingback: Head, Humiliation and Happy Ever Afters – submissy

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