Intimacy and Vulnerability - F Scott Fitzgerald quote

Intimacy and Vulnerability

I wrote about Vulnerability in a previous post and my main focus then was reflecting on the journey that I had been through in terms of making myself more vulnerable to HisLordship. I see it as being such an important part of our relationship and I wrote about how I have come to see vulnerability not as a weakness but as a strength, as it binds you and allows you to become more intimately entwined. Intimacy and vulnerability are connected in that deep intimacy requires that you are open and transparent with your partner and, although this can make you feel a bit uncomfortable or anxious, with practice this is something that you can and will be able to change.

It can be a huge leap to share your worst failures or mistakes, your biggest fears or most private dreams, not to mention your dark kinky thoughts and your hopes and plans for the future.  Even to share with someone the happenings of the day and how they impacted upon you may take some encouragement. But if you are able to share these things, going beyond the mere recounting of events, and opening a window to how they affected you, then you will be well on your way to creating a stronger bond and a more intimate relationship with your partner.  From this sharing of your hidden self will come not only greater trust, but also a greater sense of harmony.  You will feel closer and be more inclined to express your thanks and appreciation of the other person. Not only will this leave you feeling generally happier, but I think that level of deep connectivity with each other means that you will experience a higher degree of physical closeness and openness too.

True intimacy requires that you let go of control, risk being vulnerable, and accept that this may cause you some anxiety.  Often when we experience anxiety it is about our perception. It is because the perceived difficulty of the task outweighs our perceived ability to carry out the task successfully, so in this situation we are aware that we are showing our partner something intimate about ourselves and are unsure how that will play out. Experiencing a little anxiety is not a bad thing though. It heightens our senses and is an emotion which activates a physiological reaction. It will get your adrenaline going and so lends itself well to a physical response as it can create feelings which are quite similar to excitement. Basically, this sort of mild fear can be easily turned into sexual energy.

Really, the risk in revealing more about yourself to a partner, is small. However, even if you have a relationship where there is trust and love and no reason to doubt it, your emotions still take over as you are taking a chance. When your partner responds in a supportive way, you are overwhelmed with a sense of being understood and valued and feel the need to show them what that means to you. The emotions created from the original risk are soon channelled into a positive response and this helps not only how you feel about the other person, but also how you feel about yourself.  And we all know that feeling good about yourself also helps with sexual energy and desire.

This sharing of ourselves works in a number of ways.  It is a clear part of  The Power Exchange that helps to feed Dominance and submission by building and sustaining a sense of trust and creating intimacy. You will be happier together, more content with each other and be more likely to be motivated to show your appreciation of each other. Taking a risk and exposing yourself to another person can also be exhilarating for you and help to build your self confidence and sense of self worth.  This can lead to a more exciting and more fulfilling relationship.

In addition, being accepted for who you are is a key factor in building self identity and self esteem. In embracing what is at the heart of a person, you will send a clear message that you are there for them, therefore enhancing your connection with them – together we are stronger. It not only helps us on an individual level to have another perspective on something but is also an important part of being able to meet the needs of the other person.  The more open they are able to be about who they are and what their needs are, the more successful you will be at being able to fulfil those dreams and desires. None of us are mind readers but the better you know the other person the more you will be able to anticipate their reactions and responses and support those.

I love the intimacy that HisLordship and I share and I honestly never want to recover from that. It has, and is, not always easy to be vulnerable but we certainly reap the rewards of the efforts we put in. Our Trust in each other is huge and this provides an environment where we can be accepted and celebrated for being the people we are. We enjoy each other and we grow together, which is a truly lovely thing. I cannot imagine a life beyond this and am thankful for what we have. I was asleep for so long that sometimes I do feel consumed and overwhelmed by the intensity of it all but I also feel that I am home and this is where I want to stay.



F4Thought #131 – Intimacy: What Does It Mean To You?

Posted in Building a D/s Dynamic and tagged , , , , , , .


  1. Well… I don’t disagree with the premise, but your statement [Really, the risk in revealing more about yourself to a partner, is small.] only works in a relationship that is secure. I would guess that the vast majority of people have never, and will never, reveal more to their partners because of the fear of rejection and ridicule. Why else would so many websites and forums exist for the sole purpose of meeting someone else other than a current partner?

    • I guess you are right. But surely if people invested a little bit more then the need to trade for someone more exciting wouldn’t be there? It’s a catch 22.

  2. Missy ,
    Wonderful share and thoughts. I think bringing some of your thoughts ;full circle not just in your d s but Life could be good as well. Stop , pretending to be something your not because , being who you are Rocks !! Don’t hide behind a mask , show not only your dom/Husband but, your family and true friends who you are ! My personal share is we as a society have become disposable … what’s the latest version lol ! What can make our life jobs easier. Unfortunately , I think that many marriages , ltr get caught in that net. If it’s hard work … needs fixing … just separate divorce … move on. Hard work is most everything we do on the planet pays off ? Smiles, Curvey

  3. Pingback: Intensity, Intimacy and Impact – submissy

  4. Wonderful post Missy and it leaves me thinking u and HL are very lucky.
    Vulnerability is indeed a strength as is being shrewd enough to know when u can put yourself in that position. Often a difficult call xx

    • Thanks May. It is a difficult call and I can understand why people find it hard. I think that if your default with people is to trust then it is so much easier but if, for whatever reason, your experience has meant that is not the case, then the default will often be to avoid it to keep yourself safe. Taking the risk is important but whether or not you are able to is dependent on lots of other factors. ?

  5. Oh, if life could just be easier. Of course, you’re right intimacy also means being vulnerable. That can be a big leap because everything from childhood onward tells us to ‘toughen up’. Don’t cry, don’t run away, face your fears. And how does that make us feel? I’m really glad you are in a place where you want to be. xoxo

    • I agree with you Francesca. I think we have things wrong with that and ‘facing your fears’ can actually be about learning to problem solve around them. Talking is so important and as a society we seem to be doing less and less of that with the poor people around us who matter and can help. ?

  6. I’m with you all the way here. That dawning realisation that there’s nothing left to hide from that person. That they’ve seen all your vulnerabilities and not only do they not matter, they’re part of the strength of the relationship. ??

  7. Being vulnerable isn’t easy, and I tend to overthink things, and already have the most terrible outcome in my head, which then means I prefer not to be vulnerable, and then can’t discuss the things that are important to me. Sometimes I just make life so difficult for myself. I know I can discuss everything with Master T, but with our lives as it is now, I don’t want to ‘burden’ him.

    Rebel xox

    • I can understand that. And we are all different. I think sometimes it’s ok to be independent but for me I have found it making a difference to how intimate we seem to be ?

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