I think that anyone who has experienced the intensity of the physical connection in a D/s relationship will know that it is really pretty addictive. It is similar to the way you feel at the start of a relationship where you are overwhelmed by your desire for that other person. For a number of reasons, one of the key ones being familiarity, this effect can unfortunately fade over time. Luckily this is not so with a relationship like ours. We are firmly fixed in that ‘honeymoon period’ and our expectation now has become that we will feel this intense connection with each other on a very regular basis.
I have written a lot about the fact that in a marriage, this bond relies as much on the emotional as it does on the physical. In a D/s relationship where it is purely about play then I am sure it is different but when you are living together, possibly raising a family together, the mystery and independence of your partner is replaced with comfortable familiarity and a need to depend and rely on each other. Becoming sub and Dom can bring this back, allowing you to see the raw passion in your partner again. There are things you do which help to create and maintain the dynamic between you and clearly Dominance plays a huge part in this. I have given myself to my husband to play with and use as wishes, so really he can flick the switch whenever he wants. But life is not always like that and sometimes there just isn’t the time or the energy for him to be completely in control of what we are both feeling.
So what is it that helps to build the maintain the emotional bond between us? I was thinking about it this morning and about all of those things that Sir does that will make me feel like that real closeness to him which are not part of the Dominance thing but which certainly play a part in me wanting him and feeling that he wants me. There is a difference, of course, in simply knowing these things and actually feeling them, otherwise words alone would be enough to keep us burning in the physical fire of our own desire. Words are always good but it is also through behaviour that people let you know how they really feel.
When he speaks to me about his feelings and is open and forthcoming with me, that makes a real difference. It allows me an insight into the person I love and by sharing he is giving me a piece of himself. This not only makes me want to give something back in return but also builds an interest to learn more. He has shared something that I didn’t know and therefore reminded me, although I may be familiar with him and know him well, that there are parts of him that are ever changing and are sometimes unknown. It also allows me to feel that I am in a privileged position. He has made himself potentially vulnerable by being open and has demonstrated his trust in me. Again, this makes me want to reflect this behaviour by showing him my vulnerability and trust.
I am also moved when I see him being a father. I have to say that stirs something deep within me and I feel quite overwhelmed emotionally. The lead he takes with the children builds on the respect I have for him and the pride I feel in the way that he leads us as a family. The care, nurture and love that I see reflected in how he is with them makes me want to show the same back for him. Our situation is made slightly more complex by the fact that three of our children are mine and four are his, but the fact that he draws no distinction in what he gives or how he behaves, moves me further. He is an excellent father and watching that play out through the day will increase my emotional commitment to him and make me want to demonstrate it in a physical way.
Watching him lead in situations beyond the bedroom or beyond his control of me, can also be extremely hot. Whether it is a crisis at home, an issue with one of the children or just something where events have not gone according to plan, he is quick to step in, calm and reassure, and come up with a set of actions that will fix the problem. I am a planner, a researcher, and I will be able to come up with a long term strategy for ways to improve things, but in a crisis he is way better than me. I watch, a little in awe sometimes, as he takes command and diffuses the situation. It makes me want to reach out and touch him and show him how much it means that I feel safe and can relax and shelter under his protection.
In the same way that looking out for our children fills me with appreciation for him, so does his ability and desire to work on the house. He spends time and effort on various DIY projects, and on the improvement and upgrade of our home. This not only allows me to see him work in a very physical way but also adds to the feeling of being safe and protected. He is the provider and living in an environment which is not actually built from his blood, sweat and tears, but certainly furnished with them, makes me feel closer to him and lucky to have him. This another thing which feeds my desire for him and therefore impacts on our physical relationship.
I think that these are all pretty primal type reactions but seeing him like this really does turn me on. I realise the psychology of it and also appreciate that not everyone would find the same things attractive, but I am sure that there will be things that you see on a day to day basis which fuel your desire to give something back in a physical way. Domination and submission can go so far, and certainly in the bedroom it can be the complete genesis of the type of intensity you want to experience, but I am not sure it is sustainable in isolation for most couples trying to live the life-style full time. I am sure there are couples out there who do manage it, but for many like us, life has other demands that make the D and s impossible to do every minute of every day.
As a couple we endeavour to weave Dominance and submission throughout all aspects of our marriage, but we are first and foremost husband and wife, rather than Dom and sub. The emotional bond between us is built and maintained on the foundations of the D/s but it is also fed by the other things that we do for one another which help to create the desire, want and need to connect with the other person. Sir being a good husband and father is a large part of his success as a good Dominant and it certainly contributes to the intimacy and intensity that we enjoy in our physical relationship.