0fff2ea7bd59ad7fa1c8c48e38a0c423.330x415x1One of the things that I like about being online and having a presence here on WordPress and twitter is that I am exposed to lots of different views, opinions and ideas about relationships and dynamics which have things in common to mine. I think that this is a positive thing for me as it allows me to think more deeply about some of the aspects of how others make things work and this can have an impact on my own ideas. This is what growth is all about and by sharing and listening to others, I am able to learn. It has been refreshing to find other people who share some of the same struggles and some of the same highs.  I think that it is human nature to seek others who feel the same way about things, particularly when you are involved in something that some may not accept openly.
One thing that has surprised me recently has come from reading links to articles on twitter. I have become aware of a growing number of people who believe in some of the same things that I do – namely centred around the happiness that can be found in a D/s marriage – but with other glaring differences. There seems to be a large group of men, with a considerable following, who believe that all women are naturally submissive and that as a man you just need to dominate them (often this seems to be through sex) and they will be happy to be put in their rightful place.  They talk of feminism as an evil which has been thrust upon society and has led to the subjugation of men. They see it as a failed social experiment and tell of the dangers of allowing equality between the sexes.
I struggle with so much of this. To be submissive to my husband does not mean that I am not his equal. It means that we have different roles, each of which are equally important to the success of the relationship. I am not incapable of leading but I choose rather to support his lead.  Equally well he is not inept at providing care and empathy for our children although he chooses to leave much of the day to day care to me. We communication with one another frequently and he does not let me feel that he ever sees me as having less value, importance or ability than him.  Actually quite the opposite – he makes me feel all of those things in abundance as I hope that I do that for him too.  Surely it is not the ability of one to be naturally predisposed to certain tasks because of their sex, but for each to play to their strengths so that you can work together more harmoniously and effectively?
Another thing that I struggle with is that often the viewpoint of these people can seem so statement based that it doesn’t allow for the differences between people. For example, saying that women can not control their emotions in the same way that a healthy male can, or that a woman is incapable of the level of strategic thinking that a man is. These sort of generalisations would not inspire respect in me to the speaker, even if he did have a penis. And while I am no stranger to cock worship within my own relationship, I do not find myself kneeling at the alter of the unknown penis just because its owner is male.  That seems nonsensical to me.  To command respect you have to do more than just demand it because you feel it is rightfully yours on an anatomical basis, but this is a point that seems sometimes to be missed.
Perhaps it is a cultural thing but I do not hear many men around me claiming that equality and feminism have marginalised them so I am always surprised at the strong following to these views.  Around me I see people who are all different, and I see gender identity as being on a continuum in the same way that gender expression is.  I believe that what is at the heart is the person and that people should be seen as individuals and that differences are welcomed.  I do not think that I am less of a woman because I have a job or that my husband is less of a man because I contribute to the economic stability of our family.  We earn a living, we care for our family, and while we enjoy our jobs, we care more about the happiness of our family and the relationships that are dear to us, than about the material possessions we have.  We have a vision which is a shared one.  Does it change as our life moves forwards and we meet challenges and successes?  Of course it does and through open communication we are able to make sure that we make that move forward together.
I am a strong and capable woman, able to hold my own in the workplace.  I am skilled in what I do and know that I do a good job.  Am I supported and made stronger by my husband? Certainly. He offers encouragement, direction and help when it is needed. He supports me when things are difficult and celebrates in my success in the same way I support and celebrate with him.  We are are a couple and work together as a team.  Neither one is worth more than the other because we are two essential parts of one whole.  Do we have different strengths and different roles?  Yes of course we do and, for us, living as submissive and Dominant really works but there is no way that I think it would work for everyone.  Any relationship needs time and effort and understanding and connections and roles can’t be forced or assumed on the basis of gender.
If a woman wishes to stay at home to raise her children then that should be her choice.  If she wishes to focus her efforts on a career then that should also be her choice.  If she is in a relationship which she wants to make work then these choices should be made in consultation with her partner.  Should males have equal rights to choose what they want?  Yes of course they should, and I believe that they do.  I do not understand this idea that men have been emasculated by feminism.  If men wish to have a life where they are the breadwinner and their wife raises the kids then they surely have the choice to do that?  I would argue, however, that we all need to find a life partner whose ideas align with our own if we wish to be happy.  It is wrong to think that because you dominate a woman she will submit to you. Submission is a choice.  It is a gift that is given in the same way that Dominance is and it can no more be forced than love can.  Dominance and submission are two things which are complimentary and they cannot exist effectively in isolation.
The foundations of any good relationship are respect, honesty, trust and open communication. These things will be earned and built over time in a relationship where there is love and understanding of each other.  Of course the behaviour of one partner can enhance and further the behaviour of the other but I don’t think that it can change who you really are.  If all women were naturally submissive and wished to stay at home to take care of the house and the kids then there would have never been a fight for equality and the right to different choices in the first place.  Am I happy being submissive to my husband?  Yes I am.  And I am happier living this way than I have ever been before.  Am I happier than other people living different dynamics?  How would I know?  If it works then great and if it doesn’t then change it.  If you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see then have the courage to change it, but do what is right for you and don’t be afraid to challenge those who tell you to think in a certain way.  To think that we all need the same thing is naive, so concentrate on finding the shoe that fits for you.

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , .


  1. I totally agree with my sub’s point of view. I agree that if it had not been for feminism, the freedom to allow women to express themselves in a submissive way and allowed the growth to give their submission freely, and collaboratively, would be missing from society.

  2. This is an absolutely superb post, missy, and I couldn’t agree more. Surely, however we pursue our relationships, the most important thing is to be happy together. Submission, I agree, certainly does not mean less empowerment, or it shouldn’t, and I cannot understand how these male tweeters who believe such a thing get so many followers, either. Certainly, without support, care and value of a partner on both sides of a relationship, I struggle to see that the relationship has a strong foundation at all (maybe that’s not true of everyone, because, as you rightly say, everyone is different, but it’s how I feel about relationships, D/s or otherwise). It’s always lovely to read about your own relationship. I, for one, value your honesty.

    • Thank you Ina. I think that we are fortunate in having met the more gentlemanly brand of Dominant. No cursing or demanding, just deep rooted love and respect which is reciprocated willingly.

  3. Don’t struggle. Everyone these days has a bully pulpit, doesn’t mean they’re not still assholes. The only reason these men likely have large followings, is because they need to blame someone for emasculating themselves. That attitude is official state policy in many countries, and, in almost all religions. The very first rule of Dominance is: Respect the submissive. They obviously think forceful sex is what every woman is panting for; at work, on the sidewalks, on dates, at parties. Stupid does not begin to explain misogyny, having someone linking it to D/s is asinine, there is no similarity whatsoever.
    One of my ‘grrrrrr’ hot buttons.

    • I have been slowly growling for weeks but have kept my post on ice. I feel that it gives D/s (and even more so DD) a bad press as neither Dom or sub is reflected well. The people I have met who successfully live this as a lifestyle are just not like that at all.

  4. Huzzah! Those Men’s Right Activist fedora-wearing types drive me nuts, even more than the “Domly-Doms” that think domination is about being bigger and stronger.

  5. This is a very good and thought provoking post, Missy. Coming from a background in psychology I do agree that there are specific differences between the male and female genders, but by no means does that mean one should always be the Dominant and the other always the submissive. Personalities, parental teachings, personal experience and various other ingredients play big roles in Leading and supportive roles among couples. And many individuals don’t even know where they fall on the scale between the two. Many relationships even fail because both L & s type personalities choose the wrong partners, or try to fill the opposite role themselves in relationships with two L-types or two s-type partners because they don’t have a clear understanding of themselves.
    As for the males who claim it is all one way or the other, all they are actually doing is showing their own insecurities. Mature Doms believe the respect, honesty, trust, and communication you mentioned need to be key ingredients built on a solid foundation of unconditional love. And I know you have read and commented on enough of my posts to know that kat and I completely agree and encourage such foundations among loving D/s couples.

    • Thank you. I agree with what you say about not necessarily knowing what type you are and I got things wrong in the past not necessarily because I worked against my nature but because the circumstances of my previous relationship didn’t allow that part to be nurtured. I am glad that now I am with someone where we can work together and play to our natural strengths.

  6. The problem with opinions is that unless you listen to ones that are different you are not able to form your own. TRP, PUA forums are filled with keyboard warriors, who have these ideas reinforced by similarly narrow minded people. However, if we look at the generally held view that D/s is abusive, it is easy to understand​ that ignorance is common. Not everyone has the opportunity to read your posts and broaden their knowledge. Just my opinion. Thank you for a well written post.

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