Submissive Questions - the cognitive triangle

Submissive Questions

Why do I ask myself submissive questions?
All behaviour is communication whether it is based on something that you say or something that you do. So the way you behave will say something to those around about you about what you are thinking and what you are feeling. Your behaviour will also provoke a thought, a feeling and a subsequent response from other people too and I think that this is an important thing to remember, especially when thinking about how and what you are communicating to others.

Most of us form secure attachments with those people who are close to us and this is based on a trust which has been developed over time.  As long as we have formed a secure attachment in our earliest childhood then this will make up a large part of our natural default. We believe that those who love us and care for us are thinking about us, want us and will ultimately be there for us.  Although it is nice when they show us that they are, these sort of attachments do not have to be continually proved through actions.  For example, my eldest daughter lives away from home (sometimes!) and even though she does not see or speak to me every day, she knows that I love her, think about her and will be there for her if she needs anything.

In a Dominant submissive marriage, I have discovered that for us to maintain the intimacy and connection we desire, we have to openly express what we are thinking and feeling through our behaviour, words and actions on a very regular basis. In order to do this successfully it helps me to question where I am with it and question whether my behaviour towards HisLordship reflects my thoughts and feelings with regard to my submission. These are the submissive questions that I ask myself on a regular basis:

  1. Does He know that I am thinking about Him? What things have I done to show him that today? What else can I do to let him know that he is at the front of my mind? These are the sort of questions that I need to ask myself as part of my reflection. If I am not sure what his answer would be if someone were to ask him if I was thinking about him and how he knew, then I know that I need to try harder.
  2. Does He feel my want and need for Him? Have I shown him that I crave his control or Dominance? Have I indicated that I need his protection and love? Have I connected with him physically and let him see my desire for him?  Again, I need to ask myself these things each day and then act upon the answers if I want our dynamic to be strong.

I think that it is all too easy to become lazy when you are in a good relationship. I watch people wait for special occasions to show their true appreciation of the person they love instead of showing it through the little things every single day.  I don’t think that is enough for the sort of relationship that we have and when we find ourselves not putting in that extra effort, things easily begin to slip a little and the connection starts to fade. These days we are pretty good at getting back on the right track and I find that if I ask myself these questions then it helps me to gauge where I am with everything.  It is often easy to see the things that someone else hasn’t done and react to that but I do always think it is helpful to take a good hard look in the mirror and wonder what else you could do to fix things yourself.

Speaking of which ……… I think that there are probably some things that I could be doing right now to make a certain person feel my love.

Reflection is an important part of your own growth and to building a D/s dynamic. Click here to read more about Building a D/s Dynamic.

Also these posts are related to my submissive reflection:
Submissive Traits and Qualities
What I want from being submissive

Posted in Building a D/s Dynamic and tagged , , , , , , .


  1. This is the part I zeroed in on “I don’t think that is enough for the sort of relationship that we have…”
    That reminds me of Spidermans “With great power comes great responsibility”.
    We have a level of intimacy that is higher than normal. Therefore the level of effort to maintain it will exceed others as well.

  2. This is a great post Missy! Communication is important in every relationship personal business intimate family, but it is so much more important in a D/s relationship and really thinking about where you are and what you’re doing is so important! I’m so glad to hear it’s working for you

  3. Great post ! Happily Married After Dom/sub After 28 + ….I needed a reminder NOT to get to comfortable . Everyday , I try to do something …outside the norm for Sir Tex . I have lots of Little so that really OPENS lot to play with !! Sit Tex embraced my little side and plays right back with it !!
    Just keep Swimming,

  4. When I look at him, I don’t see flaws I see the most amazing, perfect, man. Even if I’m a plaything I’m his plaything and that makes me special because I bring him joy and he enjoys me so as long as I do that he’ll want me around. I have no will to be anything else. I have no want to do anything but submit to him. When I’m near him I feel like I’m special, even if he’s not right next to me. I would risk life and limb for him even though I know he would be displeased but I guard him just as he does me. I am by his side, not standing of course, but knealt at his feet waiting to serve my master in whatever capacity I’m needed. I trust him unequivocally. I respect the man he is. His soft side makes me weak; his strong side makes me melt. I can’t take my eyes off of him(when he’s not looking at me)and when he is I can’t look at him. I can’t sleep unless I’m with him. Food and drink don’t even taste the same without him. Life just doesn’t have the same spark on the days when I don’t see him. I may just be a sub but I’m his and even if he won’t say it I know how he feels because I can feel it when he looks at me, I can feel it when he’s worried about me, when he smiles or laughs, when he kisses my forehead and holds me. The joy I bring him thrills me. The sad part of this story is, I am in love with him, and he’ll never know. After all, I’m the sub. I am supposed to have trust, love and respect but being IN LOVE is a no-no(at least with my Dom). So I keep my mouth shut and do as I am told and resist the urge to scream I love you every time I’m near him. I don’t know what to do except that

    • Oh wow that sounds so hard. Will things change in time? I think I would find that too difficult. I would have to hope there would be a change.

      • I’m hoping so. Right now he’s asleep and I’m fighting off a panic attack after watching him sleep and fighting the urge to run or wake him up and tell him how I feel. Hoping he didn’t wake up and see me crying.

        • Would he want you to tell him? I know that I am meant to tell Sir everything and he would be disappointed if I hadn’t shared how I was feeling. I know everyone is different but maybe you need to talk about it with him so you can get things straight? You will know best what to do I am sure ?

          • He would absolutely want me to tell him. I am afraid that if I tell him he will end things because he told me that this is all he wants. He is amazing and super attentive. He knows I’m going through something and that I’m not myself but he has no clue that what has me thrown off is the fact that I’m in love with him.

          • I’ll work up the nerve eventually and I’m sure he’ll be fine I’m just freaking out right now. Thank you so much for listening to me and being so nice and helpful. It was just nice to talk to somebody who understands what this lifestyle is like

          • I want to say to be honest and to tell him but each dynamic is different. I am in a married D/s relationship so it can work differently. If you ever want some support or to chat things through you can always pop into The SafeworD/s Club ?

  5. I’m not sure what that means as you were worried he would end it but also thought he would be fine with it. I hope it was a positive outcome ?

    • Well I finally told him Thursday night. He was kind and considerate and told me that I have a right to my feelings. He said that he wished that I didn’t have them for my own sake. Called me a sweet silly doll and told me that he had known for weeks and asked what kind of captain would he be if he hadn’t and that it is his job to know what is going on with his doll in every aspect. He said that Every denial was just more proof of it. I think at this point we were ok. I called like normal when I made it to work. He WAS NORMAL! I’m up doll, headed out the door now, thanks for coffee and my lunch. You are beyond words. You have a great day, Captains orders. When I got off work, I went out of town to my grandma’s, normally I text when I head out and as soon as I arrive. I sent my leaving text and my arrival text. Neither were answered. I talked to my sister, grandma, and my 3 best friends about how I was feeling. One of these friends(who I know through him, she dated his best friend) she tells me, not too long ago he was with someone and she wasn’t just a plaything. It was the real deal, not what you have with him. Why don’t you deserve That? Why aren’t you special? What makes you so undeserving? That stays stuck in my head.
      The next morning when I notice he’s on facebook I message him a long, well thought message. Basicly saying that I love him and I get he doesn’t feel the same. That I know that I mean more to him than I know because he has told me this himself. That I want what we have but with feelings. I told him I didn’t want anything to change between us except for the fact that we were allowed to be more than Captain and Doll and really love each other. I said that I already had a label and didn’t need another, that I already had a commitment and didn’t need more. I just wanted to know that what we have may have a future beyond the near future. I just wanted to know how he feels about me. I said I just want the option on the table. I made it clear that I was not giving him an ultimatum, that it was just a request and that I wasn’t going to drive him crazy and would sit in my box and await further instruction. He read the message, I haven’t received anything. Not even a check on text.
      I don’t know if he’s thinking, mad, punishing me or done.

      • I am so sorry to hear that. It is really disappointing that he is not communicating and being open and honest with you. I hope that you are able to resolve things soon. Being submissive leaves you open to intense feelings and also makes you feel more vulnerable. I hope that he does the right thing ? hugs

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