Let's get Physical

images-1Recently we had cause to consider whether or not His Lordship should accept work which meant us living apart for some of the time. This was a tough decision. Obviously the usual pros and cons had to be taken into account, but how it affected our D/s was also a large consideration. We talked about our relationship and both agreed that although we thought it could sustain the distance; we wouldn’t know until we tried of course, but we feel that our marriage is strong and we didn’t see it affecting the way we feel about each other. However, how we would make our Dominance and submission work is a much more complicated question and we both knew it would certainly look a lot different to the way it is now.
I should say that, for the meantime, living apart due to work commitments is not something that we are doing although we haven’t ruled out the fact that it could well happen in the future. Needs must sometimes and I think that if you are positive and have a ‘can do’ approach then these things can be made to work, but it was interesting being in a situation where it seemed that it might be a real possibility. For me, there were practical things to consider and there was also the emotional side, but I think that it was the loss of the physical closeness that was my key concern and that surprised me.  I feel that I write much more about the emotional than the physical and that reflects the importance of the role it plays in us having a successful relationship so I was a bit surprised when I thought about how significant the loss of the ease of having a physical connection would be.
So clearly, the physical is much more significant than I thought.  I tried to imagine how we would be if we were apart. I thought through how we would use the structure to communicate in the same way – could picture how that might work.  And although I would have responsibility for everything at home, that would be because that was what he needed from me, so that part of it was still a good fit. I am fairly confident that I would still need, seek and get the emotional support from HisLordship that I do now, but I wouldn’t have that physical part. Not in the way that I do now at least. I realise that it is possible through technology to connect on that level and we are not strangers to sending picture messages and face-timing when apart.  Before we were together properly we had to communicate via phone and text so it’s not something that we are altogether new at, but it is something that we don’t have to rely on usually.  When Sir has been away for work etc before, it has been for a short period and we have both put in a lot of effort but when I thought about it as a long term option, I wasn’t sure we would sustain that if it became our everyday life.
I guess that really I felt that without the physical, I wouldn’t be ‘doing’ D/s. Which is crazy because my blog stands as testament to my belief that, for us, TTWD it is not about the kink, but I have realised that actually the kink is much more important to me than I have given it credit for.  I had referred to it as the icing on the cake – it finishes it off but actually the sponge is good on its own. But now I realise that for me it is actually the thing that makes the finished cake. It enhances and completes what lies underneath. I should also say that I don’t mean in any way to question the many long term, long distance D/s relationships that are out there.  This thought process was about us and about what we have and what we are.  I think also that it would have taken us time to see how we managed it and how we adapted and, I suppose, how far we wanted to take things.  I say often enough that this thing is organic and I am sure we would have adapted but I found myself feeling sad that I wouldn’t be able to blog as I would have nothing to say, which made me question what I thought that being D/s entails for us.
My overwhelming feeling was that I had waited so long to find this and spent so many years being less than happy that I didn’t want to waste any more time. The logical part of my reasoning told me that I would still be having a great time with an amazing man in a fabulous relationship but part of me just didn’t want things to change. Walking to work wearing his marks and knowing that I am his. Falling asleep in his arms every night and waking up knowing that he is there. Coming home after a hard day and knowing that I can fall to my knees, take him in my mouth, and feel calmed. My Wednesday caning, my rules. my rituals and the structure that we have built around us. The playtime, the scenes and all the other delights which happen frequently and without ceremony rather than having to wait for weeks just so we can be together.
I realised that I have underestimated how big a part of us this has all become. I also realised that if this sort of separation were to happen then we would need to work against the feeling that we part-time sub and Dom, or else we would lose some of what we have worked hard to build. I am glad that this is not going to happen at this particular time, although I am aware that perhaps it is something which may need to occur in the not too distant future. But with that being said, I think that going through the process was useful. It has made me think more deeply about what we do and what we have. It has also forced me to view things with fresh eyes, which I feel will be a positive. At the end of the day, I feel that we are strong and that we will adapt to any situation that we find ourselves in, but I want to get the most that I possibly can out of each and every drop of the here and now and enjoy all of the opportunities that we have. There are always pros and cons to every situation and it is good to get perspective so that you can enjoy your current pros and focus fully on them.

Posted in Submissive Journal and tagged , , , , , , .


  1. I will admit that I was surprised to read that the psychical side of our relationship held so much sway when assessing the impact of a long distance relationship. I also admit to being pleased. ?

  2. Physical contact with my Sir is as much emotional as it is physical. Both he and I struggle when he is away for business.
    I think you would still find plenty to blog about if your Sir had to be away for a job. You would tell us how you two were making that work. ? I wish your Sir the best of luck finding employment, preferably close to home.

  3. I once had a job for five years that I was only home on weekends, or sometimes four days after ten days away. We didn’t have a D/s marriage yet, but we made things work. Of course, that was when carrier pigeons hadn’t been replaced by cell phones yet. 🙂

  4. Avoid it if possible.
    Obviously I’m here less recently and don’t know the recent arc or many details but I will try an opinion without writing a book.
    This was my prior life at many points. Sometimes I disappeared for a week or two and other times it was months. It definitely changed us. We were seen as the model marriage but, looking back, I see roots of later events there. Having the better part of a decade away from that arena also yields another interesting tidbit. The relationship of EVERYTHING person who lived that life failed. Mine was the last to go. Some failed a year after they started, some ten years but, invariably, several dozen pairings died. That statistic is sobering.
    Pair that knowledge with the fact that this is your TTWD and you are married and the risk are much higher. Hope this helps as I wish y’all well. I can say that I LOVED what I did and movement/travel has always come very naturally to me (“Leave for two months in thirty minutes, sure.”) but I would never do it again if in a committed relationship. She meant more to me than that.

    • I take on board you advice and thank you for sharing your own experience. It is not something that we want to do so will endeavour to avoid it if at all possible. It is nice to see you back by the way ?

      • My mind was not good before I read and replied to your post. I was, basically, surprised that my attempt to open WP and “escape” for a moment even worked. Given my past and my past experience, your post caught my eye. Though my reply was honest, fair and intended to help give you information from my POV, I thought it harsh and unbecoming in hindsight. Later that day I attempted to enter and update my thoughts but WP would only let me write a post. I did in hopes you might see it.
        All of this is my way of saying “I’m sorry” I suppose. I wish you both luck in this hard call but please know that I never intended to belittle you or your relationship.

  5. For me, the emotional was so very very important, but the physical grounded it and made it part of me that I could feel and relax in to. Hang in there and I know you will make work whatever you have to, but knowing how important the physical is can give you some clues and ideas for what you will need if separate rather than being shocked and shaken by that fact. *hugs*

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