….we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

All relationships have bumps and ups and downs. Sometimes outside factors can become too great and they start to challenge what would usually come naturally to you. This is normal but it is also hard. It can make you question what you are doing and really wonder if you are big enough to deal with it. Sometimes it can feel that instead of you managing it, it is managing you.  This is something that Sir and I have experienced recently. In his post Loss of Employment, Domination and submission he referred to some of the challenges we have dealt with since he was made redundant from his job last year. I am sure that some of you will have experienced a similar thing and will know exactly what we are talking about, but really I think that any external factor which forces you do deal with a big change or loss can leave you feeling some of the same things that we have been dealing with.
These external events can leave you feeling quite out of control. The security that you thought you had has suddenly been removed and although you actually have the same level of control over your life that you had before, the perception can be that you don’t, as some of those choices have been removed in an instant. For a Dominant man, I think that this can be very hard. In the whirl of emotions that took place I think it was hard for him to feel in control of what was going on and his immediate response was to pull back. It is ironic that our defences so often mean that we withdraw at the time when we need to step up to compensate. You lose control in one area, you need to increase it in another; you lose confidence in one area, you need to build that up in another; you feel rejected in one area, you need to to be accepted in another and so on. But somehow that response doesn’t come naturally within the scramble of emotions that are going on. Instead we seem to focus the pain of the loss, rather than empowering ourselves by fighting it with a counter action.
Anyway being in a D/s relationship probably saved us from this. Of course in a dynamic like ours there is no where to hide and because we talked openly about what was happening we were able to counter a lot of what was going on. D/s also made it easy to find ways to help to compensate for the loss of control and confidence, and the feeling of rejection. “After all,” I reminded Sir,”I am a sure thing!” So we talked about how we could manage to work through it together and put a plan in place quite quickly to help to keep things moving along in the direction we wanted to be going in. The fact that we had agreed to keep us at the centre also meant that everything else that was changing was external to that and it helped us to keep perspective.
HisLordship decided that the best way forward for him was to set up his own company and begin working for himself. We were fortunate that we were able to do this as it gave him a new focus and a new challenge. (To be honest I am probably enough of a challenge really in myself but I think he’s always been the sort of guy to push himself). So all looked good from the outside and using the D/s had really helped to keep things stable during an extended period of uncertainty.  All in all we were pretty pleased with the way we had come out of the situation. However, as the shock began to wear off and this became our new normal, things hit a bit more of a challenge again.
Because Sir was working from home, in a new business venture who’s full potential had not yest been fully realised by the economic market, he ended up doing more of the domestic tasks that had previously fallen to me. This made sense; he had time to get things done, was around during the day and became much more involved with the kids. I, on the other hand, was out at work full time. Now I have worked full time since before we lived together so this was nothing new, but somehow the dynamic had shifted all the same. Although it wasn’t a role reversal it definitely felt a bit like it and that was something else that we had to sit down and discuss so that we could work out how to manage it. It would have easy for me to go into full on independent mode but, fortunately, I still wanted, and needed, to be submissive. He saw that I needed his help to keep the right mindset and this was something that he did.
It has been a strange sort of year in some ways. At points I have wondered if we are still doing this thing that we do as it has shifted and moved a bit as our circumstances have changed. It just didn’t look or feel the quite the same as it had before and that can be difficult to work through. I have had to actively give control and try to be resourceful and creative in terms of feeding the dynamic. There has also had to be a lot of that word I hate, patience, as time is always such a key in managing periods of change. There has had to be less time spent on planning scenes and more spent on planning a way forward, less money spent on attending events and buying toys and more spent on the things that are essential.
But at the heart of it all have been two people working together to get the best that they can from a situation. Two people who are open and honest with each other, whether what they feel is good or bad, and that has been the key for us as it has meant that, whatever it has been, we could deal with it. So I can’t say that we have had the most active time crammed full of kinky activities, but I can say that we have grown closer than ever. We have managed things together and when the usual structure of life has been challenged for us, we have relied on the structure of our D/s to carry us through. I have shown my submission to Sir every single day in a variety of ways and he has remained in control of things when many would not have been able to. So in answer to my own question of whether it not we are doing this I think that this is now just who and what we are.
The lines at the top of this post are taken from the novel ‘Captain Corelli’s Mandolin’ by Louis de Bernieres and they are part of a longer passage about love that was read, by my father, at our wedding. They strike a chord with me in that often it is the outward signs that people look at to see what it is they have, but actually it is what is underneath, at the root of the relationship that really makes you strong. I don’t say that we would have been noted over the past while for all our pretty blossoms, but I am sure that underneath we have been quietly becoming one tree and not two.

Posted in Submissive Journal and tagged , , , , , .


  1. Love this quote and M and I have had similar experiences, through major job changes, surgeries, and exhaustion due to job stress. The dynamic was foundational for us. I’m so happy you have found what lends you strength.

    • Thanks Kay. It is great when you can take the positives even from things which have been trying. This was not something I was able to do as easily before but I think my perspective has altered.

      • Yes! Me either, and it was easy for me to spin all sorts of worst case scenarios in my head, keeping me from being in the moment. It’s so nice to not do that; my perspective has changed as well. I hope you’re having a lovely weekend. Cheers! ??

  2. I read that book years ago, was very disappointed with the ending. A lot like life, not matter how hard we work, something is always trying to cut us down. It helps to have a support system.

  3. This column was very inspiring for me. Thank you for sharing your struggles and communication successes with all of us.
    I’ve always considered myself a very communicative person, sometimes overly so. Now, in the D/s dynamic, I am finding how essential it is – and how difficult it is at other times.
    Communicating desires, limits, needs, wants, etc. create a foundation for increasing passion and trust in relationship. And likewise, being an active listener is equally as critical, if not more, to enhancing the respect for and to your partner.
    One of the reasons I enjoy being submissive so much is that it allows me to relinquish the strong part of my mind and body that is the overwhelming part of me in my professional and personal life. Submitting to my Dominant was the best gift I ever gave myself – and it’s a gift that keeps on giving.
    So, why is that I find communicating vulnerabilities a sign of weakness? Deep down, I know I’ll reap all sorts of benefits. Yet, it’s my hurdle of late, and one that I’m doing my best to overcome.

    • Thank you I am glad that you found it helpful. I am not good at communicating my vulnerabilities either. I will have to think more about that.

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