Someone told me the other day that ‘When Dominance is solicited it will ring hollow. He has to want to change and choose on his own.’ I will admit I was annoyed and I wondered what the term ‘soliciting Dominance’ even meant. Is that what I am doing, and if so, what does that means for us? I wondered what you thought of this? As you know, I am a woman who asked my husband for this dynamic. Personally, I feel that the words ‘solicit’ and ‘hollow’ are ones with quite negative connotations, but that aside, I am still not sure I agree.
I have written before about how I see D/s as a partnership where one side feeds the other as part of the Power Exchange, and I know that I talk a lot about the Trust needed to sustain a married D/s relationship, and in nearly everything I have written I explain that, for us, D/s is a two way thing. Now, I do think that there are some key differences between how it can work for couples in an already established relationship and I made this point to the gentleman. He agreed, saying that it was ‘difficult to shift the paradigm once the relationship is started but if you have to ask your husband to be dominant, who is really in charge?’ Ermmm, I think that would be him as he said yes, but I may be mistaken.
But seriously, does it matter how you arrive at this? And does it make my husband’s Dominance hollow because it was not something he brought to me first? I know that he enjoys the relationship that we have. I know that he prefers the way we interact now that I am more submissive in my approach towards him. I can tell that he thrives on the respect that is shown for his role as head of the house by myself and our children. He tells me that he enjoys me being more vulnerable and open to him so that he can care for me and provide for me on an emotional as well as a physical level. And I experience his pleasure at being able to explore and lead us past the sexual boundaries that we may have had previously.
In my mind, he is genuinely Dominant. He does not necessarily conform to a stereotype of how or what a Dom should be. Which does not much matter as he is not just any Dom, he is my Dom. The same is true for me I suppose, in that I would not be the ideal submissive for every Dominant male. But I am the right submissive for him. I do not want to submit to him because he is Dominant and demands that of me. I want to submit to him because I love him and need him and have a deep desire to meet his needs. I find him sexy and exciting and want him to keep make me feeling the way that only he can.
Having delved a little deeper into the philosophy of the person who made the claim, I realise that we do not have or want his style of Dominance and submission. Having read his ‘Advanced Dominance Techniques’ that will leave ‘you on your way to having your very own real life sex robot’ I am not sure we are on the same wavelength. I don’t think HL wants a sex robot any more than I want to be one. For us D/s is an add on to the loving marriage that we already had, in the same way that kinky sex is the icing on the emotional connection, intimacy and trust that we share. I think that while the two are both forms of D/s relationships and will have some commonality, you can not necessarily apply the same techniques, strategies and approaches to both types of relationship and except to experience success and longevity.
I am not threatened or upset by being challenged. I am quite happy with what I have, how ever others interpret it. I suppose, though, that it did make me realise that some would not see what we are doing as D/s because it does not align with their own views of how that should look. There are always catalysts in life and I suppose that I was the catalyst for Sir trying this and finding it a good fit. For me the catalyst was reading a book which brought me to the realisation that I was submissive. For others, it may be stumbling across a website which tells you that you deserve to be a sex god, that lets it all fall into place. Surely it isn’t the how or the what that brought you to Dominance or submission but the type of Dominant or submissive you are? Yes. I asked him to try this. And I work actively at my submission, at times, to feed his Dominant side, but to me it doesn’t feel hollow, it feels right. I realise that those who read my blog are from a variety of backgrounds and a variety of different dynamics but, as always, I am interested to hear what others think so please comment if you have an opinion. ?