soliciting Dominance

Soliciting Dominance

Someone told me the other day that ‘When Dominance is solicited it will ring hollow. He has to want to change and choose on his own.’  I will admit I was annoyed and I wondered what the term ‘soliciting Dominance’ even meant.  Is that what I am doing, and if so, what does that means for us? I wondered what you thought of this?  As you know, I am a woman who asked my husband for this dynamic. Personally, I feel that the words ‘solicit’ and ‘hollow’ are ones with quite negative connotations, but that aside, I am still not sure I agree.

I have written before about how I see D/s as a partnership where one side feeds the other as part of the Power Exchange, and I know that I talk a lot about the Trust needed to sustain a married D/s relationship, and in nearly everything I have written I explain that, for us, D/s is a two way thing. Now, I do think that there are some key differences between how it can work for couples in an already established relationship and I made this point to the gentleman. He agreed, saying that it was ‘difficult to shift the paradigm once the relationship is started but if you have to ask your husband to be dominant, who is really in charge?’  Ermmm, I think that would be him as he said yes, but I may be mistaken.

But seriously, does it matter how you arrive at this? And does it make my husband’s Dominance hollow because it was not something he brought to me first? I know that he enjoys the relationship that we have. I know that he prefers the way we interact now that I am more submissive in my approach towards him. I can tell that he thrives on the respect that is shown for his role as head of the house by myself and our children. He tells me that he enjoys me being more vulnerable and open to him so that he can care for me and provide for me on an emotional as well as a physical level. And I experience his pleasure at being able to explore and lead us past the sexual boundaries that we may have had previously.

In my mind, he is genuinely Dominant. He does not necessarily conform to a stereotype of how or what a Dom should be. Which does not much matter as he is not just any Dom, he is my Dom. The same is true for me I suppose, in that I would not be the ideal submissive for every Dominant male. But I am the right submissive for him. I do not want to submit to him because he is Dominant and demands that of me. I want to submit to him because I love him and need him and have a deep desire to meet his needs. I find him sexy and exciting and want him to keep make me feeling the way that only he can.

Having delved a little deeper into the philosophy of the person who made the claim, I realise that we do not have or want his style of Dominance and submission. Having read his ‘Advanced Dominance Techniques’ that will leave ‘you on your way to having your very own real life sex robot’ I am not sure we are on the same wavelength. I don’t think HL wants a sex robot any more than I want to be one. For us D/s is an add on to the loving marriage that we already had, in the same way that kinky sex is the icing on the emotional connection, intimacy and trust that we share. I think that while the two are both forms of D/s relationships and will have some commonality, you can not necessarily apply the same techniques, strategies and approaches to both types of relationship and except to experience success and longevity.

I am not threatened or upset by being challenged. I am quite happy with what I have, how ever others interpret it. I suppose, though, that it did make me realise that some would not see what we are doing as D/s because it does not align with their own views of how that should look. There are always catalysts in life and I suppose that I was the catalyst for Sir trying this and finding it a good fit. For me the catalyst was reading a book which brought me to the realisation that I was submissive. For others, it may be stumbling across a website which tells you that you deserve to be a sex god, that lets it all fall into place. Surely it isn’t the how or the what that brought you to Dominance or submission but the type of Dominant or submissive you are?  Yes. I asked him to try this. And I work actively at my submission, at times, to feed his Dominant side, but to me it doesn’t feel hollow, it feels right. I realise that those who read my blog are from a variety of backgrounds and a variety of different dynamics but, as always, I am interested to hear what others think so please comment if you have an opinion. ?

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , .


  1. I also led my husband into a more dominant stance when it came to the bedroom. Being dominant was pretty in line with his personality anyway and so he easily picked it up and ran with it.
    The only way I could think that it would be hollow would be if he hated it terribly but did it only for my wants. Which no one should ever do, of course.
    I think many people are reticent about sharing or asking questions because someone decided to make rules for what a D/s relationship is. Our relationship falls into many categories and strictly into none, but it’s ours and I’m happy with it. I really enjoy reading about your point of view and the eloquence of your posts.

  2. I had a thought earlier today – I know! I think – anyway, people don’t seek new information, they seek to bolster their position. Strictly speaking, it’s not scientific, but almost all the blogs I have found, the woman seeks dominance first. Is that hollow? I don’t see how it could be. If the male opinion and action is the only one that counts, then that person should be seeking a sex robot instead of a real woman. I hear the Japanese are working on that. It may sound like fun to have something that obeys your every command, but not even dogs do that. If you’re a dominate male who wants slavish devotion, go to a rescue shelter and find a toy there. You can put it on a leash and take it for walks. It will eat out of a bowl on the floor, sleep in a cage; of course, you’ll have to clean up after it, but maybe that’s what you want too.
    I don’t consider that dominance, I consider it cowardness by hiding your emotions and attempting to break another human being to your fantasy ideal.

  3. I agree with you. However you come to your dynamic is how you do. It becomes yours and his and you make it into what suits you. That’s what the lifestyle is all about. Choices which bind you deeper.
    I too love reading your blog. Your point of view is always interesting and I enjoy your perspective.

  4. Very well spoken, Missy. I agree. My husband and I didn’t start of with this dynamic of relationship, it’s something I brought up. It definitely lined up with our personalities and brought a new level of respect into the relationship. Not just from me to him, but returned from him to me. You do what works for you and your relationship, and to hell with what others thing is “right” for the D/s relationship. As with any relationship, there isn’t a single other relationship the same as yours. What matters is that you and him are happy in the relationship (:

    • Indeed. We are all unique and so are the relationships that we form. What’s more they are continually evolving which I think is a good thing. As long as you are evolving in the same direction of course ?

  5. The way I’m interpreting is not that the woman asking the man to enhance his role or accept what she wishes to offer in surrender is hollow. One can only work with what he or she has. He can only truly grow what already has a seed. And he must want to water it. She can only offer what is within her to offer. And she must be willing to let go. So when she asks, begins to let go, and they wish to grow this together, organically, with the understanding that it will be whatever they each are capable of and in hopes it will only help them each to be the best version of themselves. That’s not hollow at all.
    What is hollow is when he does what is asked of him because he wishes to please his wife, and to see her happy, but that seed may just not exist, or the desire to water it isn’t truly there. The woman must keep handing him the watering can. He halfheartedly waters, for whatever reason, be it fear of disappointing her, nor being enough, of her leaving, etc. But, his heart isn’t in ‘it’. He loves her, wants to do whatever he can to make her happy, but ‘it’ just isn’t organically within him. It’s hollow. And it makes me sad.
    I hope that makes sense.

      • And I should say – what makes me sad is watching that play out. It isn’t a win/win situation. There is often disappointment, hurt, and misunderstanding. Expectations unmet, unrealistic expectations, and lack of true communication.

    • It does thanks Kay. I love the analogy too. I feel fortunate that we are both looking for the plant to grow. Although I think there are times when it is easier than others and one has to compliment the other at points. Fill the watering can, help to water etc.

      • I think so too! There is an ebb and flow to any relationship, and no one person can possibly hold the world on his or her shoulders all the time. We must help to water, hold the can at times, fill the can, and constantly help to fill the well! I think you said it perfectly – both wanting the plant to grow in this way is the key. It’s beautiful to witness your journey.

  6. I think in this day and age that it would be easier in a LTR for a female partner desiring to be submissive to bring this dynamic to her male partner and ask for his dominance. I think a lot of men would worry about being perceived as abusive, controlling, oppressive asking for a D/s relationship and to be the dominant partner. My husband is very egalitarian in his views. He bought FSOG for us to read together, but he was still very surprised when I said “We could try that,” even though I had already displayed a resistance being in charge in the bedroom preferring him to direct things. I think asking for a D/s relationship is one of the most forward things I have ever done in our marriage. He has enjoyed discovering his inner Dom.

    • I think that is a great point Beth. I think it would be harder for the man to explain. It was hard enough to get it across the way I did it but I see what you mean about it being taken the wrong way.

  7. I have studied psychology many years, in college and out, and anyone seeking a “sex robot” is not seeking a relationship by any stretch of the imagination. One thing that kat and I have seen through your blog and others we follow (along with ours) is how the couple should decide what is best for their individual and collective relationship. Since we are all unique individuals the coupling becomes equally unique and must be dealt with on that level.
    I am the one in our relationship that had the past experience in D/s, and eased kat into a D/s lifestyle after our friendship blossomed into a loving relationship. And I have been considered an Alpha personality all my life. But that does not mean that I do not want kat’s input. Communication is key, as I have written often in posts, and a good Dom needs to know everything he can about his sub so he makes the right choices in order to fulfill her wants and needs, while keeping her protected and safe: emotionally as well as physically. And that includes how much dominance is the right amount for each sub.
    You and His Lordship just keep doing what’s right for you two individually and collectively; you will definitely be your happiest when you do.

    • Thank you for your insight and encouragement. I really feel very fortunate to have met so many other people in similar dynamics who understand and can offer useful suggestions and support. ?

  8. From my point of view, I would say the world gives us the impression that a modern relationship should be like a circle, both halves the same. It should be more like the Yin and Yang symbol, in my opinion. If you have a gap or a bulge, your partner should be there to compliment it. The Dom forums are full of frustrated men not knowing how to broach the subject of D/s with partners. The fear that they would be seen as abusive, controlling and domineering is very tangible. Men are not mind-readers and this way of life is not always natural and intuitive.. If you move part of your semicircle to allow it to be filled by a corresponding opposite shape, the area you occupy is still the same. If your partner fills the gap you create, it is because he has a bulge (!). If you naturally fit each other, why should it be forced? With communication and honesty you can have your natural shapes, but also help mould the shape you want, if the other is pliable. It does not have to be forced, nor can any relationship arrive fully formed and rigid. The idea that you could not be truthful about what you wanted goes against the very values that attracted me to this lifestyle.

  9. Thank you Lion. The changing shapes is a great way of looking at it. I appreciate how difficult it must be for a man to broach too. I think that if his wife is naturally inclined to such a relationship she would hopefully listen and seek to understand rather than judge, but I know that some can find it quite a scary thought and the I don’t think some of the information out there on forums and websites is all that reassuring at first.

  10. Wow. I just wanted to thank everyone for the thoughtful and interesting feedback. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment ?

  11. I remember some time back making a comment to someone in regards to the fact that some of the things Sir and I do are not always accepted with open arms, sometimes there is backlash….
    The response I received was that the next time someone says what Sir and I have is wrong I should ask them which bill they plan to pay this week …… pretty wise perspective I would say! 😉

  12. Oh my, I find your blog entries exactly what I needed. I struggle with “are W/we really in the lifestyle 24/7 or not” because we fall short in areas. It is wonderful the way you expressed Y/your dynamic. I feel less stressed about O/our relationship. Thank you.

    • I am really pleased that you feel happier. It took me quite a while to stop comparing myself and what we have with ideals set by others and I have found things much easier since I did. It sounds from your blog as if you have had a tough time recently and I know how hard it is to keep things going when life gets in the way. I hope that you are feeling a bit better now and are able to start exporting together again ?

  13. How refreshing to read something that describes my very situation! While I’ve had many supporters in the community (one gave me the link to your blog) I’ve had a few detractors. Thank you so much for sharing.

    • I am glad that it struck a chord. I always find it reassuring to find someone like-minded. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

  14. This is like saying you can’t become an alcoholic if someone else gave you your first drink.
    So many of my dominant traits and urges were held back, dammed up by my upbringing. When Beth made me see that she wouldn’t fear me or leave if we let some of those urges flow free, we poked a hole in the dam. Then we crashed open the floodgates.. and eventually we burst the whole dam apart.
    Am I then not a True Dominant™? Perhaps not, in the eyes of this gentleman. Just let me run off and have a good cry about that, I guess? 😉

    • As usual you made me smile. I remember being quite wound up by his comment and his narrow view at the time. Obviously I can relate to what you are saying – which is why I follow your blog and not his lol ?

  15. Nothing screams “jealousy” quite like telling happy people they’re doing it wrong.
    “He does not necessarily conform to a stereotype of how or what a Dom should be. Which does not much matter as he is not just any Dom, he is my Dom.”
    This. Who cares what some self-proclaimed (probably single*) Dom says about the Domliness of your husband? If you feel dominated by your husband, then he’s dominating you. It’s pretty simple, really.
    I’ll take having to ask my husband to be more dominant over having some arrogant, self-important jerk trying to shove his will down my throat ANY day.
    *I’ve noticed a high incidence in the local scene of people who are very vocal about “the way” to do BDSM, but don’t actually “do” BDSM because no one will play with them. I suspect this is exponentially worse on the internet.

    • Thank you for commenting Leda. I have no ‘real’ experience so can’t really comment on your last point but I think that these uber Doms are probably out there in every walk of life and very often, as you say, they will be playing alone. ?

  16. Pingback: Dominance, Drop and and Discipline – submissy

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