Some Like it Rough

roughA number of women I speak to seem to enjoy rough sex sometimes and I guess that is why being Dominated can work for many. You are vulnerable, at the mercy of someone else, sometimes bound, senses blocked, just focussing on the sensations as the moment builds. I have also read that many men are turned on by the thought of something more aggressive but often this goes against what society has brought us up to believe is the right way to treat someone. Especially someone you love and are married to.
HisLordship is very loving, caring and respectful towards me. These are qualities that I love and his ‘old-fashioned’ gentlemanly approach is one of the things that first drew me to him. I was also attracted to the aura of self-confidence that he seemed to have. He knew what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to try to get it.  That, it later transpired, included me. He was quite direct in discussing the things that he might like to try. He openly asked me what I thought about spanking very early on and, of course, that got me to thinking what a life with him could mean. Things for us were not straightforward and there were a number of obstacles for us to overcome in order for us to be together. However, I always felt that if being with him was something that I didn’t try to make happen, I would regret it.
I suppose subconsciously I had always felt a void and felt like there was something missing. I didn’t know what it was but the discussions we had shared together and the way we connected physically told me that there was something that I could have with him which I might never find with someone else.  Clearly I now know what that was but at the time it was just a feeling – I knew it was about sex and about how he made me feel emotionally, but I still did not know much more than that it was something I had to explore. I have never believed in the chemistry of attraction thing, and this wasn’t that as it was more to do with how our minds connected and the wavelength we shared, but it was definitely there from the beginning.
That being said, we were happy just building a relationship and family together, exploring our shared love of kink and being with each other. It was a while before we committed formally to D/s and wove that dynamic throughout the marriage that we had. When we first began to explore BDSM this highlighted a number of concerns for Sir. He had no issue with being a bit rough with me during sex – that was something that he had already explored, impact play was a bit more of a challenge though. He was up for trying it but was worried that he would hurt me.  We discussed things at length and I reassured him that I enjoyed some pain. We got round this by using a 1-5 scale to rate both pain and pleasure which helped for him to get to know my limits and, I suppose, his own strength. I also tried to reassure him that I was enjoying what he was doing. He would not only ask me after but check in with me at the time to see how I was feeling. This meant that it felt sometimes a bit more like training than play but it was certainly really useful.
I also learnt from the discussion afterwards that he was encouraged the more outwardly responsive I was. The moans and murmurs, the fact that I pushed my bum up to receive more attention, all helped to spur him on. The encouragement was really key concerning marks too. On one occasion he caught me looking for bruises the next day and I admitted that I was disappointed that I didn’t have any as I loved having his mark on me as a reminder. His response was that the next time we played he announced openly that he aimed to leave me with some marks to remember him by. The inverse of this is also true. I remember one time voicing the fact that I was swimming with a friend the following day and asking him to be careful. This clearly put him off and I did not earn the red bottom that I had been hoping for on that particular occasion. So exploring limits safely with lots of communication has allowed us to really enjoy some of the rougher things that we may have stopped ourselves from trying before.
Another thing that has helped to carry things forward at times is role-play. I am no actor and role-play is not something that I would feel particularly comfortable with; both the role itself and the timing of the play would need to be carefully chosen to ensure success. However, sometimes when we are lost to being someone or something else, it makes it easier to push the boundaries, almost as if you are then free from the constraints you put upon yourself. I struggle, always, to ask for what I want and this is a constant frustration to Sir. However as ‘the Naughty Christmas Elf’ I was able to proudly announce that naughty elves take it up the arse, bare my bottom, and offer it to him. As missy he would welcome this approach, but it is not something that I would ever have done. In return, he treated me with a bit more of the same abandonment that I had displayed myself, checked that the elf knew its safewords, and a fun night was had by all. Sir is always careful, treats me well and puts my physical and emotional well being first; this is something that I know I can trust him to do, even when we are pushing boundaries and exploring new territory.
I have recently read writing by others with a totally different approach towards Dominance and submission. And at the end of the day it is what suits you and the relationship that you have. I do firmly believe that within a marriage D/s looks very different and must be approached in a different way. The key is that it has to suit you and it has to fit in to the people you were before and the relationship that you had already established.  It is an add on, not a new start.  You do not have to become a different person but that does not mean that you cannot try new things.  You are free to change the things you want to, as much as you are to keep the things you don’t want to change.  I find myself coming to the same conclusion I do every time. This relationship is yours so make sure it is the one that you want.  Don’t be distracted by others who tell you how it should be and what you should be like. Use your foundations of open, honest communication and trust to explore the things that you want to explore at a pace that suits you, and make sure you commit time to talking to each other so that you can grow and build the dynamic that you want.

Posted in Building a D/s Dynamic, Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , , .


  1. Being rough can be very counterintuitive. Deliberately causing another pain is not something that could be described as natural or normal. Once you have taken the red pill though, you cannot go back, I can only hope I learn to administer the correct dose.

  2. @Lion – The Red Pill of reality is relative to the relationship and the trust formed within the dynamic. There is always the option to go back, however, you may want to take a Blue Pill to normalise normality! Educating one’s self in administering pain on the basis of providing pleasure has to be taken very slowly, with consent and with safe words. Our dynamic, which started slowly with pain being introduced for fun, has grown to a point where it is no longer recognisable by comparison.

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