A Need for Domination

DominationDomination is my safe place. For those who are not in a D/s relationship it can be difficult to explain why this is the case and how it works. Sometimes it can also be difficult to explain to my Dominant what it is I need and why I need it, which can be a little more complicated.  There are, of course, many facets to our relationship; the excitement of the kink and exploring new things together, the closeness and intimacy that has developed between us and the vulnerability and trust that has grown from the open communication to name but a few.  Sir is a real gentleman. He is attentive, thoughtful and nurturing, so to some it might seem odd that I want and need him to to take a firm hand with me when I am at my weakest.

I sometimes think that being firm with me under these circumstances goes against the grain with him, and it can be difficult even for him to see that it really is the kindest, most loving approach to take.  It is far more natural for him to try to protect me by making allowances for me in some way or another.  That is understandable; who wants to see the person they love in pain and struggling?  However, for him to make allowances and let me get away with things he usually wouldn’t, is the opposite of what I need: I need to be held accountable; I need the boundaries to be reinforced; I need to feel his love and support in a way which fights his natural instincts.

The reason for this is simple.  He is my rock.  He is my protection and my safety.  And I need him to be unmoving and unwavering more so when I am adrift than at any other time. When things become difficult for me, I become a person I don’t want to be. As he has his natural response, so I have mine.  I am my own worst enemy in this situation. When I feel lost and vulnerable, I withdraw.  I can snap at those who come close and I can become a bit helpless.  My behaviour, like a child’s, seems tailored to push people away so that I can sink further into myself when really this is the opposite of what I should do. It is certainly not submissive and although I am sometimes aware I am doing it, I find it very hard to stop. I want to break the cycle and self regulate, but when under pressure I find that incredibly hard to do.

When I am struggling with a problem, the proactive, resourceful, logical approach I assume when supporting others with their issues is not the one I adopt when dealing with my own.  I become very quickly out of control, and so control is exactly what I need. If Sir enforces the rules we have agreed upon, makes demands of me and reinforces my choice of submission to him, then I fall into line quite quickly.  Left without this structure I will spiral into behaviour which pushes him away from me even though I need him close.  This is a conundrum.  Even though I am aware of what I do, I seem reasonably powerless to stop it which is exactly why I need his strength.

Although my behaviour can become a bit attention seeking, this is because I am feeling that people aren’t noticing what I am feeling. By Sir continuing to Dominate me, I know that he has seen me.  I know that he is watching, that he has my back and is there for me. I guess maybe it seems like tough love in a sense, but really it is the kindest, most caring thing to do.  He is essentially saving me from myself by making me his.  I know from speaking to other submissives that I am not alone in this.  I think that part of the problem can be because, contrary to public misconception, we are not weak, vulnerable shrinking violets. We are feisty, strong women who probably have that ‘approach with caution’ label surrounding them when things are not going our way.  A hedgehog can be very cute and appealing but with its prickles up it is a lot more difficult to manage.

So I guess what I am saying is that we know that you love us, we know that you care about us and, as husbands, you show that each and every day through the thoughtful and attentive ways that you are there for us.  But what we need is to have the safety and security that comes from being Dominated, especially when things are hard.  I know that for HisLordship to be tough when I am hurting is hard to do, but it really will be the best way to help.  It will tell me that he loves me, that he sees me and that he is there for me.  It will push me to him rather than away from him and let me shelter safely in his arms. He will provide control when circumstances has taken that from me and help me to make sense of what is happening and find a way forward together. It really is a case of needing to be dominated.  I need him to ask those things of me and through his Dominance to let me be the person we both deserve and want.

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Posted in Building a D/s Dynamic and tagged , , , , , .


  1. {A traditional relationship}
    How was your day, honey?
    Is there anything wrong?
    Is there something you need?
    Want to talk about it?
    You don’t need to be nasty about it, I just want to help.
    You can’t, so stop bugging me.
    Fine. Be that way.
    How come you never understand what’s wrong?
    {A D/s relationship}
    How was your day, honey?
    You want to try again?
    That’s too bad, because I’m going to give you what you need.
    There’s nothing I need right now.
    What you want is immaterial.
    Since you’re going to be nasty about it, a good, hard spanking will help you.
    You can’t, so stop threatening me.
    That’s not a threat, darling, you will strip right this instant and bend over my knee.
    Fine. Be that way.
    I’ll always understand what’s wrong and how you need my domination as a reset.

  2. This was well written and an insight that might help many see their situation more clearly ma’am. I like the analogy to a child’s behavior. I have used that frequently as it is apropos. Using it it never meant as an insult, it is merely accurate, relatable for many and works. It deserves a response from the other side so…
    There is a difference between comforting and slipping in your role. Say a sub has a really bad day, as mentioned above, and is in rare form. There are many ways to help as a partner. That is necessary in any relationship. Here is different though. Immediately you need to monitor and figure out where and what is swirling about for them mentally. You need to start picking those bits apart and acting in ways to negate those negatives. The actions need to address the makeup of the individual. Maybe you need to reassure the little girl first or maybe you need to treat your pet, every lock needs a different key doesn’t it? First and foremost in these acts is to calmly and quietly bring them to you. Get the focus on you and not the problem. That calm gives you a chance to get that important first read. That might well mean that you walk into a string of needless profanity and beat it back with a cane or you might walk into a coloring session conducted in silence. Amazing what being led by a nipple ring can do to speaking abilities isn’t it? But, again, response varies with each each time.
    Moral is that you go up when they go down. If they are off 30% from normal you should be at 130% of normal. Maybe you spank sooner and longer, maybe cage time comes sooner and last longer.
    Make sense?
    For those reading this who are across the fence from me, I have a question. An important one actually. If you understand what I said above, do you realize the inverse holds true? Ever ponder that? If you have a good, natural Dom and they are in a funk, what do YOU do? Probably a good idea to flip the above and apply it. This means be more submissive than normal. Read and submit to them as individuals in their unique situation. Bet they come back to normal quicker and you both have fun.
    Having throughly taken the lady’s post off course I’ll touch on handling days you are both down next year.
    Pardon length ma’am. Given your location, I hope you have already had a Happy New Year!

    • Thank you for your insight and comment sir. I think that it will be helpful to those reading to think about it in that way. I certainly try to be more ‘actively submissive’ when Sir finds himself knocked off his path by something. Usually this will happen far less with him than with me as he is more even in terms of his mood, better able to compartmentalise and tends to be solution focussed, allowing him to deal with something and move on more quickly.
      However we have recently had an extended spell where things have been very challenging for him and I have certainly tried to apply this approach to support him. I see it as a circle where you have to both keep feeding each other. One can carry it for a while to compensate but we have found that if it becomes unbalanced then after a while cracks will begin to show. I think that we both get so used to the constant give and take and the teamwork that if this doesn’t happen for some reason we can both feel a bit at sea within ourselves. Obviously communication is key at this point but usually followed by some action too!
      I wish you and your family a very happy new year too. Thank you for the time you take to read and comment on my blog.

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