Living in the Shadows

shadowsAs I sit here on a Tuesday evening writing this post for my married submissive blog, my kids are chatting in the family room and my husband is talking about sex toys and building bondage furniture on a skype call to his Dom friend in Norway. I realise that there are probably not many (if any) other couples in my village doing the same sort of things with their time.  I am also pretty sure that I was the only one at the family party on Sunday who was made to remove their underwear mid event, and then sent to bed early for a good spanking after they had all gone home.  However, having said that, I am convinced that there other like-minded souls out there, in the shadows, living a similar sort of existence.
I know, obviously, that there are a number of other married submissives writing on blogs similar to mine, and I feel lucky to have come into contact with them.  I have also recently become aware of a whole group of similar married women, who enjoy regular spanking with their husbands as part of their relationships – how cool.  I was excited to learn that a number of these ladies are even  based in the UK!  I know too, from the stats, that people are finding my blog and are reading some of the posts that I have made, so I am pretty sure that some of those must be people who are either in a similar dynamic, or people who are interested in building D/s into their relationship.  According to the data these readers are from all over the world, with the majority being in the US, but a good number being from much closer to home.
So I am pretty confident that there are lots of other married submissives out there, even in my part of the world, who are living a lifestyle similar to mine within the privacy and comfort of their own homes. I also realise that there is a strong BDSM community, reachable through sites such as fetlife, where there are lots of friendly and welcoming individuals who will happily put you in touch with relevant groups within that community. My issue is that I don’t really want to explore my D/s in the way that many who are part of that community do.  I don’t particularly want to watch other people play together and I don’t especially want to play in front of them.  I would do it I suppose, but it is not something that I am driven to or something that I feel that I need.
What I am interested in is not really the physical aspect of what others do, but in how their relationships work.  To discuss play would almost certainly form part of any discussion, but it is not what makes me want to connect with others.  It is more that I might make friends who understand the importance of the foundations we have, who appreciate what the power exchange means and who can understand the connection that the dynamic creates within a relationship such as ours.  This is relevant because the highs and lows that I experience can be huge. I have a strength and a vulnerability that I never had before, and it would be good to be able to share with others and get a different take on how that feels. It would be so nice to be able to swap ideas on how to manage it and give support to other people who are in the same boat.  But so many of us move in the shadows, living a life which is partially hidden and one which is seen but not fully realised, that we do not easily find each other.
What I don’t know, is how to make contact with some of these people.  I don’t even know if they would want to make contact with me.  I do know that it can feel like a leap of faith and also that it can feel confusing not to be able to make sense of the contradicting emotions that you are feeling. I also know that I still feel confused and am questioning some of the time, even though I am ecstatic at what we have built at others. So if there is anyone out there in the shadows reading this post, then please know that I would be happy to say hello and chat to you. Please feel free to comment or to drop me an email ( and I will get back to you.  I would also like to thank those who I have already met here for supporting me, and for making me feel that I am not weird and that I am not alone, as that has helped a lot. So to friends old and new – thank you. ?

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , , , , .


  1. Presuming you were alone is sweet. One of the many things I’ve halfway learned is to never underestimate others.
    There are a lot more like you. What you seek is no more uncommon than being at a kid’s game and discussing something other than the game though I doubt you’ll see stickers about this on the other couple’s boot.
    I’m with you though in that discussion is one thing and participation is another.

  2. You’re second to the last paragraph is so relatable!! What would be even better is to find them close to home, to be able to have coffee and what not. I crave that interaction!

  3. Yes!!! We don’t want to go to play parties either! We just want friends to discuss the real life struggles and joys of married D/s. I have made some subbie friends on this journey. One couple lives in my state, but hours away. I keep in touch by texting my faraway friends. I’m always open to email too. Do you have mine?

  4. I love that I can meet like minded folks on the internet. I’ve gotten to meet people from all over the world. My social anxiety is such that I have difficulty with face to face encounters (I hardly know my neighbors). But I’ve made some wonderful friends through forums that I never would have in real life. And I love group discussions where many opinions and views can be shared; reading those I feel I’m always learning something new.

  5. Thank you so much for posting this. I am very new to this lifestyle and I’m certainly still learning how to balance my regular life and the new life that my husband and I are building. This is honestly something that I never even knew my husband was interested in until one day I suggested that he starts telling me what to do and that I needed a little bit more of a forceful and commanding voice. I value my marriage very much. I have always been deeply devoted. I am also bi and have enjoyed the company of a woman. I currently have a girl friend my Master refers to as my Mistress. She thinks it is cute.
    I am finding that there are days when it is so challenging to get work, school and the mom roles done and still have the energy for the sub role. I am however excited to the fact that by my master expecting me to dress a specific way in public and do my hair and makeup I am being forced to take better care of myself.
    I am a perfectionist at heart and really want to learn how to be what my Master wants and needs. U feel I may need to help him figure that out. Any suggestions?

    • Hi sexy princess and thank you for commenting. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying and it did all seem quite overwhelming for me at the start too. I think that as time goes by you settle into it though and the mindset becomes a bit more natural. In the beginning I really had to focus on my rules and rituals to try to help and when it was tough I explained to Sir and we talked and he put things in place which would help. I think as far as meeting his needs (and him meeting yours) communication is the key. We have set times each week that we will talk honestly and openly about how things are going, what has worked, what hasn’t worked so well and where we might like to take things next. We also talk about family stuff and other things so that he is able to take the lead and make the decisions. I will remain respectful during this time but will usually speak more freely than the rest of the time. I am lucky also that I have made some good submissive friend online who have been a real support. If you want to get in touch to chat things through then please feel free to email me. missy ?

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