Kinky

HL and I were chatting this evening about our direction and where we wanted our D/s to go. As often happens we ended up in quite an interesting discussion where we were talking about things we had experienced and the directions some of the other people we know seemed to be taking.  For some reason we ended up talking about being kinky. I said that I wasn’t sure that the kink drove me – don’t get me wrong, I love the things that we do, but feel it is often more about the emotion for me and the kink is a way to deal with or express those emotions. We were talking about other people who might explore their D/s through play in clubs etc. Anyway, when I said that I wasn’t sure that I was driven by kink, Sir challenged that and, in doing so, made me I think more deeply about what being kinky means.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines kinky as, ‘involving or given to unusual sexual behaviour’. There lies the problem for me. When we started out with this I did feel kinky, and I got a bit of a kick from that to be honest. Now that behaviour is not unusual for us. In fact, it is the norm. So that made me wonder if that is why some people want to be watched by others? I am sure if people were to watch us they would feel that we were kinky.  We spoke about that and Sir challenged me further as he said that I had told him that I would like to be watched by others.  This is not really true. What I had said to him was that sometimes I would fantasise that other people can see us. I have to stress that this is a fantasy and not something that I want to be reality at this stage.  It is almost a double move, as if it gives me the experience of almost watching in a detached way at the same time as experiencing the feelings that are caused.  It is almost the ability to be the participator as well as the observer. 

This brought up two things for discussion.  My fantasies are not always something that I wish to be reality.  Also they are not often realistic. They can be snap shots of images and snippets of voices but they don’t have to exist in a realistic form as they are just there to heighten the experience. This made me think about the second thing – that maybe thinking about watching myself from the outside was my way of connecting with the kink and feeling the kick of something that is perceived as being unusual or somehow naughty or forbidden.  Have I normalised kink?  Have I made it into something that is no longer kinky by definition.  I did reassure Sir that I love the things that we do, and I am very keen that we keep on doing them and exploring them together, But what about the kink? Is something still kinky if it has become usual for you to do it? Do we need to keep pushing boundaries and finding new things in order to keep that kinkiness alive? If so maybe we need to slow down!

In all honesty I don’t really mind about the kink thing, it just was something we had not really thought much about before. So much of the labels we attach to ourselves and let others place on us are just semantics.  As long as you enjoy what you are doing and it has meaning and purpose for you, I don’t think that it really matters too much what you call it or how it is perceived.  I guess the psychological is a huge part for me in what goes on and the effect it has.  It is the talk that goes with the action that gets the reaction rather than the activity itself – for the most part anyway. But I do think that sometimes it is good for me to step back and try to evaluate from an outsiders perspective as it can help to shake that ‘am I really still doing this’ feeling that can sneak into my head sometimes.  It is good to remember that although I have done this for long enough for it to be a comfortable fit, it is still far beyond anything I ever expected to experience. And that is a pretty amazing thing.