Two Years of submission

I decided to that it would be useful to think about the past two years living as a submissive wife.  I guess that really what I want to think about it how far I have come and where I am going to go next.  I have always believed that relationships are organic, they grow and change with the ups and downs and events of your life together, and this is why unless you grow together, you can look around after a period of time and realise that you are both on different paths.  I made that mistake in a previous life and it is not a route that I want to take this time.  I plan to stay firmly on the path that Sir and I have chosen, which is not so hard now that I have committed to follow him!
So what has changed in the past two years?  Well I really don’t think that it is anything drastic.  The differences have been subtle which may be reassuring to some who are just thinking about introducing D/s into their relationship.  I know that at the start there was a lot of angst for us about whether we were ‘doing this right’ and even at times, whether we were ‘doing this at all’.  I think that the first real change for us came in accepting that ‘this thing we do’ was ‘our thing that we do’.  While there are many ‘experts’ out there ready and willing to tell us how and what to do, we realised that this meant fitting into a mould that someone else had created.  Just because it suited them it didn’t meant that it would suit us.  Taking the bits that you think will work and leaving the ones that you think won’t sounds like the perfect solution but what we found is that this can leave you a bit isolated as people want you to want what they have and do.  It has taken us a while to build a network of people who are genuinely there to support and help and not there just to validate there own brand of what a married D/s relationship should look like.
At the end of the day it looks pretty much like the relationship that you had already, only better.  It has the good bits without many of the less good bits. I think that couples sometimes feel that others look at them and think they have it all, but in reality they don’t; this can make them feel a bit empty and like they are living a bit of a pretence.  I think that they look at us now and we do have what they see, but with all the secret kinky stuff, that they would never imagine we got up to, tucked away in there too.  We look like we are happy and we are; we look like we are very much in love and we are; we look like we rarely disagree, which is also true; we look like we have an incredible connection that is smouldering away and can’t quite be put into words, and that is the heat of the D/s working away in the background.
I think that one thing that has changed is our ability to manage the bumps and shakes of life, and this is something that we have become much better at doing.  This is down to our communication which has improved greatly.  Not that we talk any more than we did before, we always talked a lot, it is more that we have become much more effective at communicating.  We talk better and listen better.  The focus on meeting each other’s needs rather than our own has meant that we have become more probing about what we are each thinking and feeling.  This has been to do with decisions about the home, about our family, or about our physical relationship.  Things are discussed and a decision or agreement is reached and we both know where we are. There has also been a change in terms of illuminating the emotions we are feeling based on a discussion of cause and effect which has meant that we have got to know more about each other and developed a better understanding of what is behind ‘a mood’, rather than just resenting, or just accepting it.
Our physical relationship has also changed a lot.  We have experimented a great deal over the last two years and, again, the D/s has given us a structure for that.  Where in the past life has got in the way a bit, now we are the priority.  Where a fear or reluctance to ask for or agree to try such things may have stopped us before, we now have the safety and security to express these things. Discussing our fantasies and limits has given us a platform to try some of the things that we might never have done before.  Talking about them after has also allowed us to make changes and to explore things more deeply. This has been really beneficial and it has sometimes been a surprise where it has taken us. Limits have been pushed and changed and we have both grown on a personal level as well as growing together in a sexual sense.  We are both more aware of what the other likes and the sex is on a different plane than it was before, as now there is an intense emotional connection which comes from the physical one.
Another big difference has been the level of intimacy between us.  We have both had to make ourselves vulnerable to the other, admittedly both in very different ways, but this has meant that the connection between us is almost tangible.  It sounds corny but at times it is almost as if we become one.  I have honestly never been this exposed or this transparent with anyone before.  There is no corner really to hide in with this type of relationship and to me that is a good thing.  If I want the benefits of being trusted and loved and respected then I have to be honest and open and that, really, has made all the difference. We are happier, more content and more fulfilled with each other. We are more engaged with each other and excite each other.  But what we have is real, not some sort of fairy tale.  Life doesn’t run smoothly and neither do we, either together or as individuals. What the D/s gives us is a way of looking at things, a way of thinking things through, and a way of working things out so that even when problems occur the are not insurmountable, and when we have dealt with them and found a way forward, we have done that together and so it pulls us closer rather than pushing us apart.
So as we enter year three, where do we go now?  I think that the answer is nowhere else fast. I have to say that I am loving it here! At the beginning of this journey  I felt that I wanted to run and was so excited and impatient to try everything. Now I feel that I want to stick around and continue to grow in what we have.  Practice makes perfect as they say, but I think that what I have learnt is that it actually takes you deeper. I think that by writing and reflecting, I am growing in my submission and that is a good thing. Through my reflection I am able to be more aware of what I need to do to move forward.  My Sir also has a blog – His Lordship – and writing has helped us as a couple as we are able to see things through it that we weren’t necessarily aware of before. We have made some friends out here too who help us to keep things real, which is refreshing.  It feels good to be accepted and for others to comment and make you think, so this is something that we want to continue with.
We have talked about how far we want to take all of this and have discussed meeting other people and joining some groups.  But really what we have is private and between us, and at the moment we are content to explore things that way.  I am not sure that sharing the physical part of our relationship with others is what we are about.  I think that in all of this I have come to see what we have as being more about the emotional than the physical, although it certainly plays a part.  For us it is about the relationship and the connection and that will grow within the comfort of our own home.  We are excited by each other and I think that is ok. Actually I think that is great! I feel passionate about this thing that we do, our thing that we do. And while I am happy to share it and talk about it with others in this sort of forum, I am not sure that we want much more than that.  But who knows what year three will bring.

Posted in Building a D/s Dynamic, Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , , , , , .


  1. I say wow a lot recently when I read your posts. You could be a teacher of D/s! Some highlights for me. “‘our thing that we do’” Absolutely each relationship is different, there is no one perfect way. Anyone who claims to know what is best for others is not to be trusted. “communication which has improved greatly” If you can’t talk to each other than how can any relationship work never mind D/s. “make ourselves vulnerable to the other, admittedly both in very different ways” This is profound Missy. Being vulnerable is more than being naked physically, it is the honest expression of true intimacy when the walls we build to keep others out are breached and subsumed by the “heat of the D/s”. Both top and bottom submit to each other.

    • Thank you. You are very kind and I appreciate your feedback. If only I could spend all day teaching D/s lol. What a lovely thought. Back to work on Monday! ?

  2. Second to both the congratulations and your astute use of “our” in this.
    Though only a recent follower I’ve seen you make many wise observations. Tonight you edge up on another important thing that doesn’t get enough ink. Where you are does sound good. Remember that. So many are flush with excitement during the first year or two that they fail to see the “honeymoon” aspect of this new thing that has enthralled them. When that sudden rush of new wears thin they think there is a problem. No real problem exists at that point but rather it becomes more important to be dedicated and creative just as it would in any other relationship. This is when the (hopefully) new level of honesty and communication step in.
    Best wishes for many happy years to come.

    • Thank you for your comment C. It is reassuring to find that others have been through this change in how things feel too. I do wonder if, in the same way there is a need to try to fit the mould at the start, the same thing exists at later points. I think that we are more careful now about the path that we follow as we are aware that there are many different routes to take and that this still needs to be the right one for us or it won’t work. It is sometimes hard not to compare yourselves to others and be influenced by that, especially when they are excited about what they are doing, but I am wary of that and think that writing has helped me to see that actually I have exactly what I need already, and that we are still moving forwards but in a way that works for us. It is great to hear from others who have more experience of all of this so I thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  3. Congratulations to you and His Lordship on two years of your D/s relationship. It sounds as if you’re going about it the right way–doing what works for you both instead of trying to fit into a predetermined mold.
    Alpha and I enjoying sharing our path with others, and reading about their journey also. One thing we have committed to is not sharing our intimacy, both emotional and physical, with anyone else. We both agree it would destroy the relationship, and it is too precious to ever take that chance.

  4. “It has taken us a while to build a network of people who are genuinely there to support and help and not there just to validate there own brand of what a married D/s relationship should look like.”
    This is what has drawn me to your blog then forum and chat room. When I first started this journey I was on another community but found it too restrictive, too dictated. It was as though they were saying “this is the way married D/s must be because this is what works for us”. But it didn’t necessarily work for Sayyid and I. Within my first week I was still trying to figure things out I felt pressured by Questions like “we’ll have you guys done the Formal Acceptance?” The what now??? I only just realized there was something called D/s for married couples!
    “we look like we have an incredible connection that is smouldering away and can’t quite be put into words, and that is the heat of the D/s working away in the background.”
    Always smouldering! D/s has given me the ability to be completely open and honest about what I’ve always desired from my husband.
    “At the beginning of this journey  I felt that I wanted to run and was so excited and impatient to try everything.”
    Lol me right now! Learning patience though!

    • What lovely comments SG. Thank you so much for that. I am really glad that you have found other people that you feel you can connect with – the only right way to do it is the one that works for you ?

  5. Pingback: Growth, Giving and Gentlemen – submissy

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.